ginandtacos.com

Your Boss

Littlebitchness: 10
Sightings: Offices
Quotes: "Yeah, I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday."
Notes: The only little bitch you need fear, since he does hold power over you. Best bet is to dodge him at every turn (long lunches, early dismissals, frequent bathroom breaks). Remember, in most cases, he too has a boss, so go over his head and get his ass in trouble any chance you get.

Male Models

Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: Parties, Gap Commericals, Magazine Ads
Quotes: "Hmmm, which picture do you think I better in?" "Hey you want to come over and check out my new haircut?"
Notes: There are a couple things you have to understand about the male model. First he is almost categorically exceptionally stupid. Second he has deluded himself into thinking that everyone worships him. This is a dangerous combination. Essentially it means that there is little to no chance you are going to get him to stop being a little bitch. In fact, it often means that even but the most biting insults will be construed as compliments and worship by this little bitch.

Since this little bitch will under no circumstances think that the person talking to him does not think he is god's gift to earth, your best bet is to start off by telling him "things you have heard people saying about him." For example, "I heard some people talking about how outdated your frosted tips look" or "did you know some people have said that you were fat in high school."

Now you have endeared yourself to the little bitch, it is time to move in for the kill. Since you will never be able to convince him that you don't like him, just try to annoy him. Your bet bet is to make disparaging comments about his taste in cloths. Start with, "I hope you didn't pay more than 15 dollars for that shirt." (it was no doubt several hundred and straight out of the maxim fashion section) Reply with: "Oh jesus (contrived shock) well, I don't know I guess some people go in for that type of thing." (he will no doubt be confused and attempting to reconcile this with his world view. Now deliver the final blow by impling that you know something he doesn't about cloths that simultaneously insults him again. Try: "You know if you like that shirt, I think they have a lot just like it at Sears."

Guys who Are Sad in Front of Women
Littlebitchness: 8
Sightings: Anywhere there are girls present, especially girls by themselves.
Quotes: "She says that I should try to see other people" "It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she's going through a rough time right now and doesn't want to see anybody." "Girls always want to date pricks, why can't they like nice guys."

Notes: I know in your heart, your first instinct is to take pity on these pathetic creatures. We have all been down on our luck with women before. However, this is most certainly not the proper recourse. In fairness their pathetic nature is probably designed not only to get pity sex from women but to get you to be friends with him. Do not fall into this trap! If you do, you will be at his apartment listening to Dashboard Confessionals albums before you know it.

There are two ways to defeat this little bitch. The first is to confront him head on. Explain to him that women want nothing to do with him because he is an amazingly little tiny bitch. This will not cause him to not be a little bitch, but it will result in him moving on to someone who will listen to him whine endlessly about that girl in his math class that looked at him once. The second and far more subtle defense is to pawn him off on the nearest "little bitch who defines his life by the books he claims to have read." These little bitches are always looking for worshipers, and the "sad around women" little bitch serves this purpose perfectly.

Guys trying to hit on women too hard
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: Bars, Frat Row
Quotes: "Hey, hey, introduce me to her." "You want a cigarette?" "Yeah so my name's blah blah blah, and blah blah blah blah blah…."
Notes: Watching these guys for an evening can be a very depressing event. To see a man continously be turned down by every woman he hits on, each more dowdy than the last, can make a person sick to their stomach. However, do not fear, you look nothing like this man when you hit on women. If you are a girl reading this page, your best bet is to completely ignore these guys. Don't ask them for cigarettes, don't give them any attention in any way.

One of the easiest ways to spot this man is if he is wearing a dragon shirt. Erik Martin tells the legend of the men who wears dragon shirts – these are normal-to-slightly-below-normal guys who got girlfriends somehow. Suddenly, he somehow gets himself a girlfriend. After a few months of regular sex and going out, he feels confident about himself. Too confident unfortunately, and decides that he can do better than his current girlfriend. So he dumps her and heads out to the clubs. There he realizes that his confidence was overstated and women ignore him as before.

Desperate to impress women he runs out and buys a dumb shirt, usually with a dragon on it. Be warned.

Guy Who Will Only Drink Girl Drinks

Littlebitchness: 7
Sightings: Small parties, gatherings
Quotes: "It's too bad that the waitress couldn't get us that pitcher of Amaretto Sour" – Actual quote overheard from employees at G-Mart Comic Shop, Champaign, Il.

Comic Book Guy
Littlebitchness: 6
Sightings: Comic book stores, toy stores, Conventions
Quotes: "Rogue is extremely more attractive than Witchblade, especially during the Jim Lee run on X-Men." "This is not a library, you may not just read the comics."
Notes: While they seem harmless, few men in their 20s/30s are more hate-filled and bitter towards humanity than the Comic Book Guy. Memorizing huge amounts of trivia inbetween masturbating to BattleChaser comics, they will never miss an opportunity to try to make you feel dumb for not knowing as much about military history, comic-book crossovers, Japanese swords, and whatever else they've read. Easiest solution: Ask them the last time they went on a date. Works every time……

That Guy who defines his life by the books he claims to have read
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: coffeehouses, classrooms, friendster-profiles.
Quotes: "It's extremely maudlin of you to say all that." "I am a philosophy/literature major." "I should know, because my brother is named after Stephen Dedalus." "You know, Nietzsche and Marx had a lot of the same ideas."
Notes: I sometimes wonder what would happen if Friedrich Nietzsche was to rise from the grave this very instance. What do you think he would be more upset by: His sister re-editing his journals and throwing fascist statements everywhere? The Nazis hijacking his message in an attempt for world domination and ethic genocide? Or the number of sad, sophomore-level philosophy majors mis-quoting him in an attempt to get laid by girls in coffeehouses?

Considering the little-bitchness of the third example (also considering the man was a closeted fascist if there every was one) ginandtacos.com guess is the last. Hence this category. The problem is usually a problem of perception. We have nothing against philosophy majors per se (one of the ginandtacos.com editors was a philosophy major until the bitter end), and druken philosophical debate is fine and good. The problem occurs when these people don't realize that nobody is interested in what they are talking about. You get the sense that these people think that they are doing you a favor by lecturing to you about something random and then acting surprised when you don't know (or care) about it.

Guy who tries and dances wilds at the indie rock show.
Littlebitchness: 8
Sightings: Concerts
Quotes: "Whoo-hooo!"
Notes: Listen. You don't have any rhythm. That's ok. Being white and into indie-rock places you into the remedial level of being able to dance. And the fact that you can't dance worth crap means you'll like the stylings indie-rock (the obvious "which came first" debate will be saved for another day). The problem is when you try and "bust a move" during the show you are attending. You should be smarter than this. The venue is too small, and smoke filled. You think by rushing into people and jumping high enough you'll get people to join in. The only "joining in" that will happen is the ass-kicking you'll recieve outside the venue. Just stop.

Guys trying to hit on women too hard
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: Bars, Frat Row
Quotes: "Hey, hey, introduce me to her." "You want a cigarette?" "That's funny you mention that because I was just in India – hold on let me draw you a map on this napkin"
Notes: Watching these guys for an evening can be a very depressing event. To see a man continously be turned down by every woman he hits on, each more dowdy than the last, can make a person sick to their stomach. However, do not fear, you look nothing like this man when you hit on women. If you are a girl reading this page, your best bet is to completely ignore these guys. Don't ask them for cigarettes, don't give them any attention in any way.

One of the easiest ways to spot this man is noticing if he is wearing a dragon shirt. Erik Martin tells the legend of the men who wears dragon shirts – these are normal-to-slightly-below-normal guys who got girlfriends somehow. Suddenly, he somehow gets himself a girlfriend. After a few months of regular sex and going out, he feels confident about himself. Too confident unfortunately, and decides that he can do better than his current girlfriend. So he dumps her and heads out to the clubs. There he realizes that his confidence was overstated and women ignore him as before.

Desperate to impress women he runs out and buys a dumb shirt intended to impress the women, They usually have a dragon on it.

We all love drinking. Drinking is almost always fun. It takes a lot to make it boring. However, sometimes you find yourself with nothing better to do than sit on the couch and watch Dude, Where's My Car? while throwing back some Boone's Wine. As hard as this may be to believe sitting around on the couch can get old after a while. Invariably, someone (usually a semi-literate ex-sorority type of very marginal intelligence) will say, "Let's play drinking games!"

Be very afraid at this point, for The Man has entered the room. Without a doubt, people will begin suggesting the standard numb-nuts drinking games: the "Asshole" card game, watching a movie and drinking every time someone swears, etc etc.

The Man invented these games. Unless you are The Man's little prison bitch, you will not partake. What you will do instead is realize that, as usual, Ginandtacos.com is here to save you. Select from the following list of hardcore drinking games invented by the authors and you are sure to be the hit of the party. Or, failing that, you will hit everyone at the party. One of the two.

Name the Bottle
You've all heard of 'spin the bottle.' Name the Bottle is its drunken creepy uncle. And the only kissing it involves is with your lips on a bottle of gin. Here's how you play:

Get a bunch of glass bottles of liquor. Boone's Wine, hard cider, beer, gin (if you're brave), etc.

Go outdoors. Find a flat, hard, vertical surface (side of the house, wall, dumpster, etc)

Line up all the participants. On the count of 3, each person chugs the alcoholic beverage they are holding until it is empty.

Each participant holds their empty bottle up in the air and gives it a name. Name it after someone you loathe (your ex-boy/girlfriend, bastard professor, boss, parent, or that Scout Leader who put it in your ass)

After naming the bottle, each person hurls it with maximum velocity at the wall. The theraputic, cathartic effect of this game should be apparent by now.

Repeat as needed, until someone sustains a severe laceration, or the participants are unable to stand.

Shut Up and Drink the Gin
You know what the problem with 'Asshole' and all those other standard games is? You hardly get drunk at all. Such games are for total pussies. Playing 'Asshole' with a Miller Lite means that in an hour you're probably going to ingest a whole 1/4 ounce of alcohol. Oh wow, you're so hardcore. Bitch. If you're really hardcore and not a poser, you'll forget Asshole and start playing Shut Up and Drink the Gin.

Gather in a circle. Each person needs a shot glass. At the center of the circle should be a deck of cards and a bottle of Sir Robert Burnett's London Dry Gin (or any other acceptable shot-pounding liquor).

Fill the shot glasses. Pick one person to start the game.

The first player draws a card and looks at it. If the player can tell what card
it is, he/she must do a shot of gin.

Go around the circle repeating this process. When you can't tell what card you've drawn, you can stop. You may also want to stop if someone dies. Which is likely.

The Immanuel Kant Drinking Game
Trust us on this one. It may sound a little snotty and pretentious, but it's fun for more than just philosophy majors. Only illiterate fucks who think the Chicago Sun-Times is intellectually stimulating will refuse to play and discover this game's hardcoreness.

Everyone grab a shot glass or alcoholic beverage.

Procure a copy of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason

Open to any random page and start reading aloud. When Kant uses the phrase "a priori" you must stop and everyone has to pound a shot or take a hit off a drink.

Pass the book to the next person and continue.
You may be thinking that this game sounds pretty lame. But if you have ever read Kant, you are fully aware that the man had a physical disorder that prevented him from writing a paragraph without using the phrase "a priori" at least twice. Everyone will be bombed after one chapter. And hey, your stupid ass might actually learn something.

The Ginandtacos.com Intoxication Scale

We at Ginandtacos.com encourage you to drink heavily and as often as possible. However, we understand the potentially undersirable state of intoxication that drinking usually leads to. Want to stay sober? Not sure if you're drunk or not? Considering driving but not sure if you're able? Consult the following scale to measure your level of shitfacedness.

Level 1- Self-esteem building. Pants still on. Voice still at normal volume. Sentences coherent. Food staying down. You're as sober as the Fundamentalist Christian kids down the hall. You're fine. Get in the car and drive, you pansy.

Level 2- Feeling warm. A teensy-bit buzzed. Laughing a little louder than usual. You're not drunk, but you're on the path.

Level 3- Dancing freely and openly. Everything tastes good. Talking very loudly. Your own jokes make you laugh as though you invented the concept of comedy. Still in control of your faculties, but don't get in a car, numbnuts, because you're officially drunk.

Level 4- Slurring like a retard. Drinking stuff you wouldn't normally touch. Obese, slovenly members of the opposite sex are starting to look reeeaaall good to you. Bury your keys at this point, you lush.

Level 5- Almost totally gone. If you're male, you're in a fight. If you're female, you're calling someone a slut or whore. Standing and walking require intense concentration. You will feel like death warmed over tomorrow morning.

Level 6- Gone. Trashed. Vomiting copiously. Vocal expression reduced to mumbling. Walking no longer an option. Nothing you say to anyone makes any sense. Fortunately, you won't remember any of it.

Level 7- Slow down there, Boris. Beyond gone. Telling everyone in room that you love them. Frequent crude passes at members of opposite sex. Pants off. Passing out is imminent. Will have no memory of this evening whatsoever.

Level 8- Whoa. Total loss of inhibition and control. If you can still move, you're probably fucking an appliance or something inanimate. Heroic vomiting, mostly stomach acid or painful dry heaves. If your friends liked you, they'd take you home or put you to bed at this point.

Level 9- Danger zone. Fall asleep on stomach, not back, to prevent dying like Hendrix. Awake but hazy. Pissing and/or shitting in pants. Mind, mouth, and memory cease functioning. Will pass out any second, thankfully.

Level 10- Jesus Harold Christ. Death imminent. Call priest, rabbi, and doctor. Make out last will and testament on napkin with lipstick. Body expelling fluids every way it knows how. Are you proud of yourself? Were those last 6 shots of gin worth it? Damn straight they were. You are one hardcore motherfucker. You are also going to be one sick motherfucker when you wake up. 16 hours from now. And introduce yourself to the person you slept with. And wonder where the hell you are.

As a public service, we here at Ginandtacos.com have undertaken the arduous, self-sacrificing process of taste-testing nearly every gin on the American market. This list evaluates just about every gin you will ever encounter, except bathtub brews or the ones our broke asses could never hope to afford. In those cases, just assume that the shit is really good; at $50 a bottle, it better be. All estimated prices are based on fifths and vary wildly depending on location. We suggest liquor stores with bullet holes in the windows and a refrigerated Sisqo display. Those are usually pretty cheap. All reviews have an image of a person most likely to be found drinking said gin.

Aristocrat Gin

Bombay Gin

Bombay Sapphire

Citadelle Gin

Cossacks Gin

Extreme Playaz Bumpy Gin

Gilbey's Gin

Gordon's Gin

Hannah and Hogg Gin

Hendricks Gin

Mccormick's Gin

Phillips Gin

Seagrams Gin

Sir Robert Burnett's Gin

Tanqueray Gin

Name: Ed Occupation: eBay Pirate Location: Indiana Contributions: Writer, editor, proofreader, Thomas Cooley Law Graduate Attorney Main Areas: Music, alcohol-related content, legal hoo-hah, miscellaneous ranting Super Powers: The Loop to O'Hare in 40 minutes. During rush hour, bitch. Favorite Gin: Hendricks Favorite Taco: El Famous Burrito steak taco Prized Posession: vintage Fender Blender, Harmonic Percolator If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Mama's boy Otis, one of a kind. While Intoxicated, He Once: Peed around Erik's head as Erik was vomiting in Mike's toilet. Franz Kafka tattoos: 1. Quotes: "Look, the key to burning your car for insurance money is to leave a lot of copies of La Raza on the floor so the cops can assume Latino gang-bangers did it, and pee in the backseat so it smells like a homeless guy lived in it." "See, what happened was……" "Watching the draft on ESPN as opposed to attending it is the equivalent of experiencing a safari on the Discovery Channel"

Heroes of ginandtacos.com

Random things about me and this page:

I

Noted philosopher and Ginandtacos.com endorser Bertrand Russell says:

"I'm not so sure I approve of this. I can't condone this kind of drunken debauchery. And what the hell is a taco? I've read Being and Nothingness, Critique of Pure Reason, and If Upon a Winter's Night a Traveler hundreds of times, and the word 'taco' is nowhere to be found. This website has none of the incisive wit of www.ennui.com or The Michel Foucalt Internet Archives. Ginandtacos.com is everything that is wrong with America. This is exactly why we philosophers prefer France. Cower under my condescending, Frenchy gaze of disapproval, Ginandtacos.com!" (Mr. Russell was compensated for his endorsement with a copy of Mclusky's Mclusky Does Dallas album and a Jeffrey Brown comic, which he stared at quizzically while sipping cognac)

There will be more to come here at a later date. In the meantime, here are two of ginandtacos.com most requested items from years ago.

On Children, By Children – by mike.

On America, Where it's Easier to get a Car than an Education – by Ed.

Ginandtacos.com endorser Keith Richards says:

"For decades, medical science has been trying to figure out why I'm still alive. I mean, honestly, I do enough smack and Demerol to kill a medium-sized elephant. One time Charlie Watts and I missed a flight out of Thailand in 1974 and we smoked so much opium that I thought I was the Virgin Mary! Then, after we freebased cocaine off of a wok, I came up with the rhythm guitar line for Brown Sugar! Let's not let the doctors (or the authorities) in on my little secrets for cheating death: a portable defibrillator……and the Ginandtacos.com music page! These yankee chaps have some pretty rippin' taste in music, eh? Now read on and rock out with your cock out, man!" (Mr. Richards was compensated for his endorsement with a prostitute, a bottle of Thunderbird Fortified Wine, a custom-fit coffin, and a prescription for canine birth control pills. He used them all, not necessarily in that order)

It's very difficult for most media to offer concrete opinions about new albums, or music in general, given that tastes are so highly subjective. No matter how god-awful an album is or isn't, it's bound to be somebody's cup of tea. Worse yet, in the era of media consolidation, the albums are usually put out by the same entities that publish the magazine (skim through some reviews of Warner Bros. albums in Time, Entertainment Weekly, or any of their 500 other publications if you want a good hearty gut-laugh). Or the magazines are so pitifully dependent on the economic morphine of their advertisers that every album gets at least a B+ rating (have Spin or Rolling Stone ever given an album an F? Or even a C?).

We here at ginandtacos.com don't have this problem. Since we happen to have good taste, we don't have a problem letting you know when yours sucks. In some cases, a lot. Take, for example, a Clay Aiken album or the latest "edgy" "rock" "masterpiece" from the Rapture. If you like that kind of music, you are an idiot. And we can just come right out and say it since your opinions don't matter.

So just in case you actually want to know anything about an album rather than just reading 1000 reviews saying "Hey this is great!", ginandtacos.com has arduously ear-tested and reviewed a number of albums for your edification. In a band and want your album critically eviscerated? Email ginandtacos.com for submission guidelines.

New Reviews – 8/1/05:
Saababanks – Relative Theory
Sugar Eater – Breadcrumbs for the Birds
White Trash Ambition – What do you want to be when you grow up?

New Reviews – 6/12/05:
Nine Inch Nails – With Teeth
Queens of the Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze
Senator – United Wire
Weezer – Make Believe
White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan

Archives:
The Bled – Pass the Flask

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand

Genius – Liquid Swords

Giddy Motors- Make it Pop

Helmet- Unsung, The Best of Helmet

Local H – The No Fun E.P.

Local H – Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles

Marilyn Manson – Golden Age of Grotesque

McLusky – Undress for Success

Murder by Death- Who Will Survive and What Will be Left of Them

OutKast- Speakerboxxx- The Love Below

Probot- Selft Titled

Rage Against the Machine – Live at the Grand Olympic Auditorium

Rollo Tomasi – He Who Holds You

Sullen – Paint the Moon

Television – Marquee Moon (reissue)

The Five Deadly Venoms – Shapeshift

Vortis – God Won't Bless America