STOCKBROKERS OR RAPISTS: WHICH ARE MORE NUMEROUS IN HEAVEN?

Posted in Rants on April 30th, 2004 by Ed

So let me take a minute to share with you a cold, hard reality about the financial markets, namely the way in which they wildly reward the outsourcing and elimination of jobs.

Winn-Dixie, one of North America's largest supermarket chains, announced today that it is eliminating 10,000+ jobs and closing 156 stores. In the response that is common to such news on Wall Street, the stock was immediately trading as much as 5-7% higher. Similarly, Gateway rose from the dead after closing all 135 of its retail locations (2500+ jobs lost, 1500 more in April) in March. Kraft Foods and Sun Microsystems experienced similar boosts in reaction to job cuts in early 2004. In fact, it's such a well-accepted tenent of the financial markets that pointing out individual examples is almost unnecessary.

This is approximately equal to society gathering on the front lawn of a neighbor and applauding him for evicting his children. "Good job, John, we were waiting to see more fiscally responsible behavior from your household. You've been taking a loss on the costs of your infants for the past 2 years. It was time for you to downsize a little. Here, have a medal. We are glad you see that the more cost-effective solution to parenting is to send your 70 cents per day to a Third World child, where food and benefits cost less."

Far be it from me to lapse into theology, but if there is a hell, it is populated mostly by economists and traders who roast over fires kindled with Klansmen.

Can Someone Please Explain To Me What The Hell Is Happening in Fallujah.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 30th, 2004 by Erik

I don’t claim to be an expert on global politics, and particularly not on military strategy. So, perhaps it is possible that this is why the situation in Fallujah has confused me for the last several weeks.

Lets see if we can figure this out.

November 2003- Three helicopters are shot down killing 25 people

3/31/2004- Four US “security guards” are killed and mutilated

4/5/2004- Heavy fighting is reported in Fallujah, Donald Rumsfeld promises a “methodical effort” to punish those responsible for the killings. 4-8 marines (depending on if you use logical or “pentagon” counting) are killed in what officials refer to as “security and stabilization” activities.

4/7/2004- Situation still not “secure” or “stable.” Eye witness Tony Perry of the Los Angeles Times reports:
"There were platoon-sized groups. They brought in buses, blocked off streets, hit the Marines with counterfire," Perry said. The insurgents also "had anti-aircraft facilities that were shooting at the helicopters."

4/8/2004- Still nothing much has changed, US decides to halt “offensive” operations to talk to Iraqi officials in hope of a cease fire. Apparently the Iraqis didn’t care. Fighting continued, one marine is killed.

4/9/2004- Doctors report 450 dead and 1000 wounded in fighting. Iraqi officials are referring to the United States operation as genocide. Still not much has changed despite constant reassurance that the situation will be calming down soon. In light of the fact that the Iraqis did not seem to pay any attention to the fact that we had declared a cease fire, the United States decides to escalate actions in the area by sending an additional battalion.

To avoid this getting too long, lets skip some of what is essentially more of the same.

4/19/2004- Some agreement is reached. The “coalition” agrees that they will end the siege if the “insurgents” turn in all their heavy weaponry and give themselves up. This does not seem like much of a compromise. The US warns that soon they will have to resume offensive operations.

4/20/2004- Rumsfelt warns of potential new Fallujah offensive. Claiming, “We won’t wait forever.”

4/25/2004- US extends the deadline. U.S. Army spokesman Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt:
"if we don't start seeing delivery, we will cease the discussions and start other options," [presumably “other options are ending their theoretical cease fire]

4/27/2004- I guess we are giving it a go again. Warplanes are reported to be dropping bombs on Fallujah.

4/29/2004- After several days of bombing US announces a plan to pull out.

4/30/2004- In a bizarre twist, the Unites States presents the world with its “plan.” US troops will leave Fallujah to be gradually replaced by an Iraqi force led by one of Sadaam Hussein’s former generals who was apparently “carefully chosen.”


So excuse me for not knowing what the hell is happening here. We go in, claim we are going to take back the city. After a week of not much changing declare a cease-fire that is largely ignored by everyone. After two weeks of the United States making absurd demands pretty much consisting of “give us the city back and we won’t kill you,” we bomb the hell out of them for two days. Then I guess it seems like to much work and probably too politically costly to stay there, and we choose a plan of gradual withdrawal replacing ourselves with native forces? I see, I swear I have heard this plan somewhere before.

Anyone who understands what is happening here please leave a comment. Personally I just constantly hear in the news that we have a “plan.” This “plan” turns out to be somewhat akin to someone’s drunken NASCAR watching dad. He asks you to get him a can of Old Milwaukee 50 times because he is too lazy to get off the couch, then he beats the shit out of you, and asks your mom to get it for him.

And Finally….The Mustache Contest

Posted in Uncategorized on April 29th, 2004 by Erik


So the day finally came. Well, actually the day finally came on monday; it just took me three days to complete the point by point commentary on the actual competition. Lets be fair, I couldn't build the thing up for three weeks then let you down with a marginally complete page.


Now, see the mustache competition in all its horrible glory.

Click Here

and don't forget to refresh your memory here

ABANDON THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS, FOR THEY TEACH NO RUG BRAIDING

Posted in Rants on April 29th, 2004 by Ed

There are very few things that can honestly cause me to make a downward adjustment in my outlook on mankind, but I'm pretty sure that the Training Our Daughters to be Keepers at Home website is one of them.


Irrefutable evidence that God does, contrary to popular opinion, make junk

It chronicles the home-schooled education of the daughters of Phil and Ginny (pictured) Ingram, who decided that their methods of warping their children were so wonderful and Godly that they had to share it with all of us.

At this point, assuming you have at least glanced at the link, I challenge anyone to bet me $10 that one or both of those girls will not end up A) a bondage-obsessed coke-snorting lesbian B) dead by suicide C) in a bell tower with a .223 bolt-action rifle and a thermos full of Excedrin pills.

For those who choose not to browse directly, I'll cover some of the topics that Mr. and Mrs. Ingram were prescient enough to realize that our public schools do not teach: Godly Womanhood, Flower Arranging, Child Bearing, Raising Small Animals, Making Greeting Cards, Caring for the Elderly, and other things that have me on my hands and knees praying for a fucking comet to hit the Earth.

Please note: nothing on that list is an actual educational subject.

In 1979, despairing of the Carter administration's inability to free American hostages in Iran, Ross Perot's crazy ass hired an army of mercenaries to go spring some of his employees. While such vigilanteism was met with condemnation by everyone to the political left of Randy Weaver, it was nonetheless effective. I had never previously considered the moral propriety of such an act, but at this point I believe the most noble thing I could do in this lifetime would involve hiring a half-dozen Blackwater Security guys to go rescue those poor girls.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE FILL THIS WOMAN'S GUESTBOOK WITH BILE.

he`s the greatest performer every-since, uhh, what's the guys name?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 28th, 2004 by Mike

James Brown. He wants you to know he's doing quite well, and that the charges are being dropped "out of love." Click on "click here to download" to view – it's worth it (via erstwhile.net).

I was searching for my best friend from high school on friendster, and found this guy, a 42 year old from NJ (he's not the high school friend). I only bring it up because his only testimonial is from a 20 year old girl in the Philippines and includes the statement:

he loves surprising and the first few things he sent me are 7pcs of victoria's secret undies, a cute teddybear named chubbs and a money order worth 200$..after this..lots more gifts from him..

I thought the time the staff of ginandtacos.com gave strippers money orders for $1.75 each was the shadiest use of a money order ever – then we found friendster. I love the idea of an international gift basket which includes a teddy bear, underwear, and a money order. (fans and enemies please feel free to friendster us at gin@ginandtacos.com – also to send us underwear and money orders).

Erik's mustache diaries comes to it's terrifying conclusion (with sexy results) sometime today or tomorrow – here's a teaser until then.

Ginandtacos to Tribune Company: We stand behind wilmington

Posted in Uncategorized on April 27th, 2004 by Mike

According to web rumor mills, The Chicago Tribune, which has evidently not made enough money from scalping Cubs tickets, is going to ditch their film critic Michael Wilmington in exchange for New York Times film critic Elvis Mitchell (The Trib denies this).. They are trying to position themselves with a celebrity darling critic to compete against same-town rivals Ebert/Roeper; this may be part of a large campaign to beat down the Sun Times while their ownership is up in the air.

This is after, according to yet another rumor, that Mitchell is leaving the Times after losing the chief film critic slot to A.O. Scott. Now we here at ginandtacos.com like Elvis Mitchell with all of his insane metaphors – and we respect both him and Scott for bringing wit and intelligence to a position that Janet Maslin all but destroyed (don't get us started on Maslin).

But we'll be damn if Chicago is going to eat the scraps off New York's table. Wilmington is an excellent critic, very dedicated to film in the chicago community, and very much a product of a city with some of the best film criticism in the United States. Leave a comment showing your support for Mr. Wilmington and/or say if you are also going to be pissed off at the Trib if they take this switch.

HE'S A HYBRID OF GOD AND OTIS WILSON

Posted in Uncategorized on April 26th, 2004 by Ed

Not since Edward the Confessor's passing have the English people had a champion quite like Angle Grinder Man.

Angle Grinder Man is a populist hero who roams the streets at dusk with a gas-powered angle grinder (a piece of industrial equipment used to wear through metal and stone) sawing through the Denver Boots on ticketed parked cars. He serves without hope of reward, although he does leave a small envelope on each car asking the owner to send a small donation to a PO Box if they so desire.

In the hierarchy of the greatest men who have ever lived, Angle Grinder Man fits in a slot somewhere between Ghandi and Casimir Pulaski.

Are you both drunk and unemployed?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 23rd, 2004 by Erik

If this sounds like you, then ginandtacos.com would like to be the first to inform you of this rewarding career oppertunity at Heaven Hill Distilleries Inc, better known as the makers of Burnett's Vodka and Gin.

If you feel that you have the what it takes to be the marketing manager for this midsized corporation, look at the job description found at:

Manage Sir Robert Burnett's Liquor Marketing

How is your mustache coming?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 23rd, 2004 by Erik

Throughout history many fine men have grown mustaches- not that there is really any correlation between the strength of a man's character, and his ability to grow facial hair. In fact, often times the complete opposite is true. Never in history has this been more the case than when talking about the Mike and Molly's official mustache comeptition.

Here is the story. On monday the fifth of april all those who thought they had the nerve had to show up at the bar clean shaven to be examined by competition officials. Upon varifiying the smoothness of the upperlip, you are allowed to compete. You now have three weeks to allow your mustache hair to flourish.

On the 26th of April many a mustachioed competitor will decend on Mike and Molly's to have their growth judged by an impartial panel of past winners, bar employees and friends. The judgment is based not entirely on the thickness of mustache, but on the skill of the preformer. Having the perfect mustache personality is an absolute must.

This year I decided to let the ginandtacos readers behind the scenes. Typically the average spectator will only see the mustache from in front of the stage on the 26th. I am going to change all that.

Take a look into the sordid world of competitive mustache growth

"Hi, it's me, Kirk. Welcome to the Way of the Master"

Posted in Uncategorized on April 22nd, 2004 by Mike

My god. This isn't a joke. Please, for the love of all that is good, go to: The Way of the Master webpage and make sure you click on "high speed" – trust me, it's worth it.

"The Way of the Master" sounds too much like a Chinese martial arts movie to be taken seriously. You are going to want to believe that this is a hoax – but I don't think it is.