Does whatever a spider can…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 30th, 2004 by Mike

New movie review for Spiderman 2. quick verdict: Amazing. Significantly better than the first. A lot more charm, humor and excitement this time around.

The fantastic journey of political hatred

Posted in Uncategorized on June 30th, 2004 by Erik

The joke has been made in pretty much every permutation possible. A month ago I heard that John Kerry's polling numbers go down every time he is in the spot light and up everytime Bush is doing… well… anything. This situation has gotten pathetic to the point where, I am sure that if I didn't live here, I would have to point my finger and laugh at all Americans. Can someone please tell me what the hell it is about our political system that attracts some of the largest fucking losers this country has to offer? When did it get to the point where our system of government was really just a big joke?

I mean honestly people… how can we sit here and listen to politicians discuss gay marriage and the like and honestly be swayed by the arguements. Do we really believe that whether or not someone served in the National Guard or drove a boat around during the Vietnam war is vital to how well they can lead? How long are we as a country going to sit around on our fat pork rind consuming asses and listen to talking heads debate pandering non-issues?

Well, the truth is in the numbers. John Kerry is losing the battle of who do we want to be president least. Is it really possible that we will elect a president this way?

Yes, its true Mr. Kerry. We don't like you.

Looking at the history of New York Times/CBS polling numbers we see a very intrigueing trend. John Kerry is leading Bush by one point (he is behind by one if Nader is considered).

This is not really the interesting part. Within the following questions they ask the respondents to comment on how sure they are of their choice. There is a column indicating that you have made up your mind because you dislike the other canidates. Eleven percent of those voting for Bush are doing so because they hate Kerry. However, and dear lord I wish I were making this up, 37% of people saying they are voting democrat are doing so for no other reason than the fact that they think Bush is a fucking idiot of epic proportions*.

Read the poll for yourself if you don't beleive me. All the jokes are actually true. If we elect Kerry in November we are not electing him, we are just not voting for the other guy.

Yeah, so anyway…. Who wants to move to France with me? Honestly, at least they revel in how fucked up their political system is.

*not actual question phrasing

WE'RE ALL SUBMISSIVES IN THE CULTURAL SCAT PORN.

Posted in Rants on June 29th, 2004 by Ed

Browsing the DVD selection at my local bookstore, I was overcome by the powerful feeling that I was one of those bottom-rung porn actresses who can't get decent roles and therefore must appear in movies in which hirsute men shit on them. Having already released every conceivable old movie and television franchise of any interest whatsoever, the major studios have shifted into Emergency Product Release mode.

In a secret chamber deep within Cheyenne Mountain, the heads of the seven major studios assemble, turn a key, and hit a button called "NETWORK TELEVISION DETRIUS", flooding the market with DVD releases that you wouldn't watch on a bet.

Then they chuckle heartily and shout, in the words of Ol' Dirty Bastard, "America, you've been shitted on."

Look at the old TV shows that are now being released in full series collections on DVD. I understand classic hit shows (M*A*S*H, Cheers, Dallas), foreign shows, or shows with huge cult followings (Star Trek, Twin Peaks, etc)…….but Son of the Beach? Punky Brewster? I mean who in the name of god is seriously going to sit down and watch a dozen episodes of Punky Brewster? First of all, it didn't even seem like a good show when we were kids, and I can't imagine it aged well. Secondly, Soleil Moon Frye would probably come to your house and give you a handjob for the $29.99 the DVDs cost, provided that her methadone clinic gives her a big enough supply to make the trip.

The recent releases range from the sad (The Best of Primetime Glick) to the anachronistic (All in the Family) to the socially backward (Good Times) to the unfathomably inconsequential (Just Shoot Me).

If you're reading this and thinking "Ed, I like some of those shows", I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're a fucking retard. The good news is that you'll die soon, since retards usually don't last to 30.

Nothing is quite so sad about the state of American society as our propensity to not simply take in horrible entertainment but to wait ten years and claim that it has suddenly become high-quality art. Television shows, which are the quickest-reacting form of entertainment media with respect to fads and social mores, almost by definition look more dated and depressing as you move farther away from them. If this still doesn't seem like a bad idea to you yet, just wait 15 years, pop in the Friends DVDs, and see how good they look.

Brace yourselves NYC prostitutes, the Republicans are coming

Posted in Uncategorized on June 29th, 2004 by Erik

Much to our surprise, politics and sex do in fact mix.

Personally I never look at the New York Daily News. To be quite honest, I have to assume that it is not the most reputable news source around. However I think this story was far too amusing for me to ignore. Particularly since I found it linked from Rush Limbaugh's website.

Anyway… I guess a large gathering of politicians and the politically minded also results in big business for the sex industry. The New York Daily News is reporting that the prostitutes from around the world are being flown into New York City to supply the demand of the Republican Convention.

Yeah, so, um, I guess Iraq is back in the hands of the Iraqis

Posted in Uncategorized on June 28th, 2004 by Erik

Two days before the official date to turn over power, The United States has given Iraq back its government… sort of.


Read about it in the New York Times here

It would really be nice if there was something witty or comical that could be said about this situation. Unfortunately, it is just kind of sad. The irony of handing sovereignty over to a country while you still have 160,000 official troops on the ground sort of speaks for itself. Yes, I suppose that Hungary was sort of a sovereign nation before the fall of the Soviet Union. What control are these new leaders actually going to have? I am willing to bet they will not be overseeing "coalition" troop movements. They are not going to have much say at all as to the rebuilding of the country. They say themselves that they have no imediate domestic of foreign initiatives planned.

So what is the new governement planning on doing? What is going to be different. Well, for one thing they are considering (with US support) rescinding some of the "western freedoms" the United States so proudly gave to the Iraqi people. They want to declare a martial rule to help fight insurgents.

For all of you out there wondering what point turning over power now serves, it seems rather straight forward. George Bush gets to say he is giving Iraq back to the Iraqis. They get to blame the Iraqis for future problems and the real kicker is that they are going to get more power to rule the country by brute force because actual Iraqis are condoning it. It really makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

Oh, and as a side note I am sure that Republicans will be out in force hailing this as a sign of true progress and the first steps toward a democratic Iraq. Lets see how many times when they are talking about this progress they mention the fact that they had to move the transfer of power forward two days and hold the cerimony secretly to avoid it being bombed.

How not to run for the senate

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27th, 2004 by Mike

"Hi my name is Jack Ryan. It is my promise to the voters of the Illinois that if elected I will work to privatize schools, get funding for a missle defense shield, and lower tax rates on corporate earnings. And it is also my promise that if you vote for me this November, my ex-wife and I will personally show up to your house and have sex on your bed while you watch and take pictures. That's the Jack Ryan promise."

That's of course a parody ad. Sort of. Big news in chicagoland: the recently released divorce papers of Illinois senate candidate Jack Ryan, state that Mr. Ryan tried to get his ex-wife, actress Jeri Ryan, to have sex in "sex clubs" in Paris and New York. In the following excerpt, "respondent" is Mr. Ryan:

"The clubs in New York and Paris were explicit sex clubs. Respondent had done research. Respondent took me to two clubs in New York during the day. One club I refused to go in. It had mattresses in cubicles. The other club he insisted I go to."

Wow. This senate race in Illinois is shaping up to be a virtually "how-to" book on running for office:

Lesson One: Don't Beat Your Wife. Else we'd probably be sitting here talking about Blair Hull.

Lesson Two: If you want to be a Common-Sense Midwestern, Do Not Go to Sex Clubs in New York and Paris. Is there anything more alienating and upsetting to mid-west Republicans than just the existence of New York and Paris? Not to even mention the idea idea of their Golden Boy sneaking into a loft in the meatpacking district filled with soiled mattresses.

I was really upset that the Obama campaign had never gotten back to me about volunteering. Guess it doesn't matter much. I have a friend who works in a small-town illinois newspaper, and he gets weekly press releases from Ryan. And every single one just talks about how elite and socialist and evil Obama is to the voters. For someone who is counting on taking some sort of morality lead with voters south of I-80, well, he doesn't have to worry about that very much. Because as much as Republicans in chicagoland may possibly be ok with this news, once you get to Carbondale I think voters may be a bit more judgemental.

Last thought: like most things it's the reaction that's important. Evidently (check the suntimes link above) he spent much of the weekend and past week (and entire election) assuring Republicans, who in Illinois are very shell-shocked these days from scandal, that there was nothing to worry about in that file. It so reminds me of Clinton telling all of his secretaries and spokespeople to bunt for him as he was clearly innocent of any wrongdoing. Man does that bite you in the ass – Republicans are already looking into whether or not they can switch candidates. And Bush is defintely not coming to Illinois to support Ryan. Even if Ryan lets him watch.

Flying away on a wing and a prayer / Who could it be? / Believe it or not it's just me.

Posted in Uncategorized on June 25th, 2004 by Mike

Our review of Fahrenheit 9/11 is now online. Verdict: Go see it. Even if you think you'll hate it. It's a long piece, with spoilers all over the place. Though the spoilers are such things as "we went to war in Iraq" and "Al Gore ended up losing the 2000 election" – so if that's a spoiler to you you probably are in some trouble.

Seriously though, the movie is discussed at length, so don't read if it you have already decided to go see it – read it afterwards and argue away with us!

Anybody need a new day job? Like running for Senate?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 25th, 2004 by Mike

I just got a call from a good friend in newspapers saying that Jack Ryan is expected to resign within the hour.

*edit 1* The Trib is reporting it as well, and we beat them by 12 minutes!

I WILL GIVE YOU $19.99 IF YOU TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

Posted in Rants on June 23rd, 2004 by Ed

If you're on the Atkins Diet, kill yourself. Well, actually, don't bother. Your insurance won't cover a suicide, and you'll be dead of natural causes soon anyway.

Dr. Atkins may just be the greatest entrepeneur since P.T. Barnum instructed his customers to head for the great Egress. His ridiculous diet – which is effective as a short-term weight-loss plan but is appalingly unhealthy as a lifestyle – plays right into the contemporary American psyche in ways that even the Doctor probably hadn't intended.

"Attention all fat-ass, lazy, self-gratifying Americans……Bacon, eggs, and cheese are a healthier breakfast than apples. Did you know that apples and oranges contain dangerous carbohydrates????"

Because if there's really an easier way to convince Americans to give you money and follow a diet plan than by telling them that they can continue eating all the fatty, greasy, fried shit they want so long as it doesn't contain any of those pesky fruits or vegetables, I'd love to hear it.

Yes, I've read the Atkins book. Cover to fucking cover. I understand that it calls for limited consumption of whole grains and certain vegetables (after the "induction phase" where basically no carbs at all are allowed). But what Atkins advocates who point this out fail to realize (logically, given that they're stupid enough to be on this in the first place) is that the finer points of the diet have been lost in the larger presentation. While it calls for consumption of certain carbohydrates, does anyone really think Americans have the patience to read an entire 500 page book? How many people who are caught up in this craze have actually read it? The average upper-middle-class butterball who thinks this fad is a good idea understands very little beyond what he wants to understand – bread, pasta, fruit, and vegetables are bad. Meat and cheese are good.

While participating in various athletics as a younger man, I used the "no carb" dieting method (which has been around for decades – Atkins just marketed it better) with frightening success a number of times. I'm not saying it doesn't work. But for God's sake it's a diet, not a "lifestyle" as is now being claimed. For 2 or 3 weeks, it will help you lose weight. In the long-term, the effects on your body from taking in that much fat and cholesterol can't even be imagined.

You can't go five feet in a grocery store without tripping over lo-carb everything anymore. Idaho farmers have genetically engineered a low-carb potato recently (seriously). But all of these products are an investment in my mind, because if you buy them now and hang on to them for a couple years, they'll have tremendous kitsch value – much like 19th-century patent medicines do now – when the fad has died out and transitioned into the domain of public ridicule. Low-Carb Doritos will be a hot item on eBay after Vh1's "I love 2004" airs in a decade or so.

Moore Inbound

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23rd, 2004 by Mike

Michael Moore's new documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" opens this Friday (find screenings/buy tickets here). In honor, ginandtacos.com movie column has long reviews (too long for the main page) of the last two documentaries that I've seen, "Super-Size Me" and "My Architect."

Also we'd like to point you in the direction of two reviews: a surprising review from Fox News: "It turns out to be a really brilliant piece of work, and a film that members of all political parties should see without fail." And this is from a critic who panned Bowling For Columbine, a movie that I still think was more tame and well-balanced (and not that liberal) than most critics argue.

On the other end, not surprisingly, is a brutual writeup by Christopher Hitchens, who, though I haven't seen the movie yet, may have already provided the ultimate attack on it. Or at least what will be the standard attack.

Our review will be here soon enough :) Check back!