CHICAGO BASEBALL UBER ALLES

Last season, Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco threw a chair into the stands in Oakland Coliseum and injured a fan. Aside from receiving a suspension and criminal charges, Francisco is now being sued by the fan. Ginandtacos cannot condemn this act of cowardice strongly enough. Not Francisco's – those of the fan, Jennie Bueno. Only a Bay Area pussy would settle this with a lawsuit.

Chicago fans believe in direct action.

Sept. 28, 1995, Wrigley Field – a 27 year old Cubs fan, a professional bond trader at the CBOE (read: 27 year old frat boy) whom witnesses described as "liquored up", leaps into the outfield and charges Cubs closer Randy Myers. Unfortunately, his years of date-raping 16 year olds in the Beta Pi house did not leave him physically prepared to confront Myers, a highly-ranked master of several martial arts. Myers quickly toppled the fan, and the crowd cheered as security guards made no effort to hide the extra punches they got in while removing him from the field. The attack was unsuccessful in improving the fading velocity of Myers' split-finger fastball.

May 16, 2000, Wrigley Field – an inebriated fan strikes Dodgers (and ex-White Sox) catcher Chad Kreuter in the head with a blunt object as he sat in the bullpen. Pandemonium erupted, with as many as seven Dodgers entering the stands and beating fans at will. Nineteen members of the team would eventually be suspended. The move led even alcohol-loving Cubs management (the stadium is, after all, little more than a giant beer garden) to consider banning liquor. They did not.

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Ligue, moments before the cops high-five him for showing that coach who's da man

Sept. 19, 2002, Comiskey Park – Certain events will remain forever etched in Sox lore. Bo Jackson's improbable comeback and pinch-hit moon shot of a home run in 1993, which puts the team in the playoffs. Tito Landrum. Disco Demolition Day. And, of course, this date in 2002, when a shirtless William Ligue and his son hurdle the first base wall and tag-team Royals coach Tom Gamboa. Ligue, 34, and his son, 19 (do the math), hailed from Alsip. Gamboa was able to fend off the drunken, mulleted Ricky Rudd fans in time for security to arrive and discover the elder Ligue attempting to unfold a pocketknife and stab the coach. No motive was ever uncovered aside from the obvious missing chromosomes in the assailants.

April 15, 2003, Comiskey Park – With the (apparently?) hated Royals back in town, Comiskey Park becomes a drunken madhouse. Maybe it was the full moon, maybe it was the $1 Hot Dog Night promotion clogging the fans' brains with hot Vienna Beef kosher goodness. We can't say for sure. But no less than four separate incidents of fans running on the field took place, the last of which was a coordinated tactical strike on umpire Laz Diaz. The Royals refuse to play the rest of the series without increased security, and Major League Baseball threatens to sanction the team if they can't stop drunken Alsip residents from running on the field to stab people.

And don't think this is the first time we've had to set the Bay Area straight. I think Chicago Cubs pitcher Julian Tavarez said it best in 2001 when responding to taunting fans in San Francisco: "Why should I care about the fans? They're a bunch of faggots here."

Chicago baseball, uber alles.

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5 Responses to “CHICAGO BASEBALL UBER ALLES”

  1. cerb Says:

    It must be noted that Franklin Francisco was a White Sox farmahnd before being traded to the Rangers. The only thing that makes me prouder than being a White Sox fan is watching ex-Sox players flat out fuck up people in interesting ways on television.

  2. Matt Says:

    As a former Kansas Citian, I can't discern any conceivable reason for somebody to hold a grudge against the hilariously bad Royals. Now I'm no baseball-amatician, but haven't they sucked royally (pun intended) since like 1984?

  3. Ed Says:

    Let's just say that the post-George Brett era has not been kind to them.

  4. mike Says:

    "whom witnesses described as "liquored up", leaps into the outfield"

    we need one word, perhaps in german, which qualifies both those statements.

    "Then Mr. Erickson ligued against the shortstop for no apparent reason."

  5. jenn Says:

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