I'm sure that the physicians on staff at the average convalescent/retirement home hear this on a daily basis, but said doctors can no longer safely assume diabetes to be the underlying cause.

Yes, in yet another example of the depressing and complete loss of innocence that defines modern American life, it appears that granny and gramps have the clap. Or the herp. Or something of the kind.

I need a drink and a shower.


The 2006 election will be theraputic for America, if for no other reason than it will help clear our collective mind of 2004. And really, what clears the mind like a little retribution?

Some people can sing, some can dance, and some can run giant corporations. My skills, on the other hand, are neither interesting nor profitable. I can talk about politics. It's not terribly interesting, but I might as well use what the good Lord has given me. So this is a look at the 2006 Senate races. Hopefully it will be of some use to you as you desperately search for some threads of political hope to which you can cling this year. If it's not useful, hopefully it will be entertaining. If it's not entertaining, too fucking bad. It's free.

I'm going to make a few general comments and then break the approximately three dozen races down into general categories according to their level of competitiveness and relevance.

Continue reading


And we'll be there, attempting to borrow it.

So Tremendous Fucking's practice-space roommates (this band of tards called "Murder by Death") are officially big rock stars now, and they have an MTV-ready video to prove it. You can watch it here and have fun trying to identify my bandmates fighting in the video (hint: look for beards) – the question "Is Pat Hawkins gonna have to choke a bitch?" is answered.

Sadly I was busy on the day this was made (in Chicago, btw – try to guess the venue), thereby blowing my one chance of ever being on TV without committing a crime.

Classical, Modern.

Huh? I understand that the baby boomers have a weird set of emotional and parental issues that cause them to weep at the very thought of their parents' "Greatest Generation" age cohort. On the scale of things I don't like about the boomers (mortgaging my generation out with the federal debt, outsourcing my generation's career tracks to fatten themselves, obsessive nostalgia and their feeling American culture stopped in '78, etc.) this rates rather low.

But is this book cover necessary?

Yes, yes. Heroism in WWII and all that (I'll keep the snark low about it really being the Soviet's victory). But Homer? I though the real horror of the World Wars was exactly how mass-produced, and not heroic, it was – it involves firebombings and suicide planes and factory production and nuclear warfare and mass conscription. There's no beauty of Achilles' shield being crafted by the gods, but someone handing you a rifle as you get off a boat.

I can only assume there's a Odyssey cover on its way of the current Iraq conflict, with a group of solider wandering around a hostile land just trying not to get killed and get the fuck home.

God I hate Greatest Generation nostalgia. And the boomers.


The average American couldn't name the five rights guaranteed by the 1st Amendment if you held a gun to his or her head. Those who seek to become naturalized citizens should be no different. The following is a real flash card offered as a study aid for those taking the "citizenship test" through the INS:


Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're missing one. Or maybe the omission isn't an accident. Freedom of the press has really been a pain in the President's ass lately, and his last six years in office have already made clear his power to edit the Constitution at will.


I've always liked Pat Buchanan. He's honest, and he doesn't varnish his loathing for various segments of the population under the cloak of "compassionate conservatism" or any such nonsense. Personally, I'd much rather end up with a guy who says "No, really, I don't like gays" than a guy who pretends he does and then screws them every chance he gets once in office.

"No, put the flag behind me, lest anyone question my allegiances."

The second reason I like him is that for the longest time (pre-Stockdale) he was pretty much the only entertainment in presidential elections. You could always count on ol' Pat for a couple of gold nuggets. In 1992, he challenged and defeated incumbent President G.H. Bush in the New Hampshire primaries. Then he went on to sink the latter's campaign by insisting on a keynote address at the 1992 GOP convention in which he used phrases like "moral jihad" to describe the party's mission to "govern by the Bible." Safe to say that scared the living shit out of about 70% of the voting public. Molly Ivins described Buchanan's speech as "Decent. But I liked it better in the original German."

Fourteen years later, and suddenly Pat appears to have been A) a prophet and B) a religious moderate compared to those who would follow in his footsteps.

But his progressive ideas didn't stop there. In 1996 part of his campaign centered around the idea of building a giant fence between the U.S. and Mexico. Boy, that was good for a yuk! Ha ha ha! That Pat Buchanan, he sure is a cut-up. I mean, he was alive when the Maginot Line was built! Surely he knew better.

Fast forward to 2006 and our current intellectually handicapped GOP: "No, seriously, build the fucking fence." And who can blame them. The logic is flawless. Once the border is demarcated by a steel fence, illegal immigration will become impossible. I can't think of any way to get past a fence, can you? Didn't think so.

This is emblematic of why the current generation of conservatives are such an utter embarassment. The ideas that used to be offered up by fringe lunatics – Buchanan's fence, the national sales tax, Forbes-o-nomics – are now part and parcel of the majority ideology. Star Wars/SDI, which Reagan used as a bluff (since it's technologically impossible) to convince a teetering Soviet Union that it couldn't afford the next stage in the arms race, was revived in 2002 as "national missile defense." How's that project coming along, guys? Another couple hundred billion and you might even have a prototype that works under heavily rigged testing conditions!

If this trend continues (and since the GOP has anointed itself God's chosen people, how could it not?) I look forward to a reintroduction of more ideas mined from the rich intellectual history of bat-shit insane ultra-right conservatism. Ketchup may once again be a vegetable, and we have but scratched the surface of the visionary foreign affairs insights of Barry Goldwater.


America (or, more specifically, Kansas) – the land where banging and marrying a 15 year old is considered morally acceptable while gay marriage remains a vile perversion of God's will.

Let's do a rank-ordering here of the morally preferable relationships.

  • 1. Joyful Christian wedlock (consenting adults)
  • 2. People who hate each other but realize that divorce is a sin
  • 3. People who never liked one another in the first place but felt it was God's will that they marry a co-worker before child-bearing age passed them by
  • 4. Adult marrying a 14-16 year old
  • 5. Arranged marriage
  • 6. Cohabitation with the potential of marriage
  • 7. Cohabitation
  • 8. Pederasty (among the ordained)
  • 9. Pederasty (laymen)
  • 10. Polygamy (a.k.a. "Mormon Hold'em")
  • 11. Marriage to the Sea
  • 12. Necrophilia (with former spouse)
  • 13. Necrophilia (stranger)
  • 14. Beastiality (mammalian)
  • 15. Beastiality (non-mammalian)
  • 16. Necrophiliac beastiality
  • 17. Gay domestic partnership
  • Any questions?


    This is the United States. It is the same United States map that has been in use for the past half-century. In fact, the continental portion of it has been unchanged since the admission of Arizona to our union in 1912.

    I will give you a minute to study it.


    Apparently the majority of college students have never seen this map before today. National Geographic and Roper have done a survey and found, to almost no one's surprise, that geography is yet another subject in which American college students are fucking retards.

    For the record and before we get started, my nephew is 3 and can put together an entire floor-map puzzle of the United States. And when I hold up one of the state quarters, he tells me the state and it's motto. "Uncle Ed, that's Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes."

    He's 3.

    Thirty-three percent of college students, however, can't find Louisiana. Hurricane Katrina must not have helped, because LA is much harder for them to find than Ohio (which is identifiable to a whopping 50%) and New York (43%).

    Don't even get me started on how they fared with the global map. Let's just say it isn't pretty, and 75% of them think English is the most widely spoken native language on Earth. Read the link for yourself if you're curious about whether or not they can find India, Iraq, or Israel (hint: they can't).

    Am I being an unfair elitist here? What the fuck is so fucking hard about this? Let's start with some basics. Up in the northeast (that's the top right hand side of the map. Your right hand is….no, the other hand. Look, put both hands out in front of you, palms away, and stick your thumbs out. The one that makes an "L" is your left) we have Vietnam (VT). It is bordered by New Holland (NH) and Macedonia (MA). Its capital is Na Trang. Many Americans fought and died there in the 1970s.

    The big purple one at the bottom is Mexico (TX – in Mexican, "M" looks like "T"). It is our #1 trading partner aside from China (CA). To China's north is the Orient (OR) and the state of Las Vegas (NV) is nestled to its east (right). The states Alaska (AK), Hawaii (HI), Praetoria (PR), and Vincent (VI) are all islands that float around the United states, which is itself an island.

    I hope this has been informative. Dipshits.