IF YOU'RE HAVIN' GIRL PROBLEMS…

Posted in Rants on November 19th, 2006 by Ed

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I'm pretty convinced that this graph is the funniest thing ever.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE'VE LOST ENGINE #2!

Posted in Rants on November 16th, 2006 by Ed

Week 2 of the Right-Wing Meltdown is showing no signs of being less entertaining than the first.

The GOP is pretty messed up, right? Everywhere you look there's corruption, the evil scourge of homosexuality, and a general failure to support the Culture of Life. Well it's good to hear that someone is mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, 2008 Republican Presidential hopeful Bob Dornan! Yes, "B-1 Bob"! Bat-shit Bob, more accurately. You might remember him, the red-faced lunatic who serviced the defense industry directly from the Congressional glory hole for almost two decades. You can see some of his greatest hits if you need to refresh your memory.

Thanks Bob. We needed someone to rally the GOP around a good ol' fashioned Adultery and Homosexuality witchhunt. As always, you're the man for that job!

I'M TOUGH BUT FAIR

Posted in Rants on November 15th, 2006 by Ed

Looks like a little bird inside Fox decided to leak the Wednesday morning-after-election talking points to Huffington Post.

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I don't give two flying shits how fascist it sounds – when I'm president we're rounding up everyone involved with that network and putting them through a wood chipper. Why? 'Cause fuck'em, that's why.

PILOT TO GUNNER! WE'RE BREAKING UP! EJECT!

Posted in Rants on November 14th, 2006 by Ed

As a follow-up to this morning's post re: the Frayed Ends of Republican Sanity, send some tea and get-well cards to Hugh Hewitt over at TownHall blog. He's completely gone in the head. To wit, here's his Wednesday morning-after post. An excerpt:

President Bush will not flag in the pursuit of the war, and Senator Santorum is now available for a seat on the SCOTUS should one become available. GOP senators will have the chance to select leadership equal to the new world of politics which, as the past two years have demonstrated, does not reward timidity.

Boy, sounds like a great thing that the Republicans got hammered, Hugh! You found that silver lining pretty quickly! Let me translate – that Santorum is "now available" means he's fuckin' unemployed. Was he not "available" before? But really, I'm engaging in a pointless semantic argument here. Not to mention that I'm mocking a man who is clearly mentally ill.

Who's at the top of the list of qualified and confirmable Supreme Court nominees? Rick Santorum! Rick "I took family pictures with my stillborn baby" Santorum. Rick "Least popular man in my home state" Santorum.

Hugh Hewitt, you've crossed the line from regular Conservative Blogger insane to pickin'-peanuts-out-of-shit insane. And you have pancake man-boobs.

IT'S COMING DOWN

Posted in Rants on November 14th, 2006 by Ed

The fragile supporting columns of sanity underneath the conservative blogosphere are crumbling in a hurry.

Exhibit A: Turns out that the guy who sent threatening letters filled with white powder to numerous lefty celebrities (including Keith Olbermann, Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, and Jon Stewart) is….none other than Free Republic's very own Chad Castagana! Have fun in prison, Chad. Watch your cornhole! Here's his Free Republic bio (since removed):

I am a lifelong Conservative Republican .

I have an Associates Degree in the Science of Electronics .

Ann Coulter is a Goddess and I worship Laura Ingraham and Michele Malkin .

English is the langauge of the United States of America- – our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution are written in the langauge that expresses our civilized freedoms .

Spanish is the language of Banana Republics, beyond that it belongs in a European country.

Exhibit B: Remember when Power Line, Michelle Malkin, La Shawn Barber, and dozens of other right-wing bloggers were going apoplectic over the "Terri Schiavo Memo" in which Congressional Republicans discussed how to use the corpse-woman for political gain? It was fake! they said. Democrats wrote it, or the media fabricated it! Oops. Mel Martinez wrote it. Let's do a quick fact-check….of which party is the Senator from Florida currently a member?

(Note on Musical Accompaniment to this Post: As soon as I typed the title of this entry, I was siezed by an uncontrollable need to listen to the Danzig song of the same name. It's been a long time, man, and let me tell you – Chuck Biscuits just fuckin' rescues that early Danzig stuff. It takes a pretty incredible drummer to make me put up with an ass-clown like Glenn, but…..damn.)

LET THE MELTDOWN BEGIN!

Posted in Rants on November 13th, 2006 by Ed

In the wake of the 2004 election Mike K. did a nice job highlighting the best in liberal meltdowns. I feel it's only fair to do the same for 2006.

The granddaddy Lifetime Achievement Award Super-Mega-Burnout for 2006 absolutely has to go to Jonah Goldberg over at National Review. He has written the best non-ironic, dead-serious imitation of The Onion's "I am fucking insane" article since Ol' Dirty Bastard penned "Here Comes the Judge." You can practically picture him smearing his own shit on his chest and running around in a loincloth as you read this little gem. Yes, George W. Bush certainly could do that, Jonah. If not for the fact that he is a gigantic pussy, just like Jonah Goldberg, Sean Hannity, and every other warmongering right-wing suburban war-hawk white guy. Wouldn't W need to have his dad call in James Baker to show him how to skin the bear?

Next, let's give a collective award to Fox News for the following bit. This seems like prime evidence of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I prescribe a 2-week vacation and a cement mixer full of Zoloft for the entire network.

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Let's also pick on Morty Kondracke and Fred Barnes as prototypical examples of the incessant "the country is now doomed, and here is our spin on why the White House actually won the election – and if you don't buy that, here's some spin about how our Dear Leader was Shanghaied by a left-wing election-stealing machine" memes. Look at those awful partisan liberals. Refusing to confirm a good man like John Bolton? We can't figure out which motivates them – spite or treason – but it has to be one of the two!

Lastly, I am STILL SEARCHING for the video or a transcript of Shepard Smith losing his f'n mind on Fox News circa 1 AM EST on election night. If ANYONE can locate transcripts or video of his bizarre soliloquy, I'll seriously pony up something significant as a reward. I'm not up on the Tivo technology, but is it possible to retrieve old programming? I'm checking with the Vanderbilt TV News Archive but they don't yet have a tape of full election coverage…..

Boy Genius.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 13th, 2006 by Mike

Remember that article about the Republicans mocking Democrats for living in the "reality-based community" (where they "believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality")? I always thought that may have been a bit unfair, since the quote was from an unnamed aide to the President. But then I see this interview NPR did with Karl "Fixing up my resume" Rove right before the election (transcript here):

SIEGEL: We are in the home stretch though and many would consider you on the optimistic end of realism about…
ROVE: Not that you would exhibit a bias, you just making a comment.
SIEGEL: I'm looking at all the same polls that you are looking at.
ROVE: No, you are not. I'm looking at 68 polls a week for candidates for the US House and US Senate, and Governor and you may be looking at 4-5 public polls a week that talk attitudes nationally.
SIEGEL: I don't want to have you to call races…
ROVE: I'm looking at all of these Robert and adding them up. I add up to a Republican Senate and Republican House. You may end up with a different math but you are entitled to your math and I'm entitled to THE math.
SIEGEL: I don't know if we're entitled to a different math but your…
ROVE: I said THE math.

Evidently Rove's faith-based mathematics, based on internal secret polls that I'm sure were in no way biased towards those who were paying for it, lost out to the reality-based ones.

MACACANS 1, REPUBLICANS 0

Posted in Rants on November 9th, 2006 by Ed

Allen's giving up. First smart thing he's ever done, I think.

It's readily apparent that he's not going to make up enough votes in a recount – Webb picked up a few hundred in the initial counts. So basically we're looking at a potential recount process that will take 8 weeks, drive everyone nuts, and STILL result in an Allen loss. Talk about bad publicity for the GOP.

Besides, Allen is such a black mark on his party at this point that the last thing they want is a month or two of Georgie being the lead story on the news every night. He's embarassed himself and his colleagues in just about every way imaginable, and a protracted recount would be an exercise in the media reviewing every asinine thing he's said and done. Not smart.

See you later, dickhead.

IT'S SO HAAAAAAAAARD TO SAY GOODBYE

Posted in Rants on November 8th, 2006 by Ed

Wait. No it isn't.

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Sayonara, fuckface. It's been swell. Wait. No it hasn't.

LESSON LEARNED

Posted in Rants on November 8th, 2006 by Ed

The Democrats learned one very important thing from W in 2000: declare victory, and do it as soon as practicable.

Tester and Webb have declared victory in MT and VA after the last remaining uncounted votes from Tuesday were tallied. Tester's 3,000 vote margin is unlikely to disappear in sparsely-populated Big Sky country. Webb's declaration of victory is a bit more tenuous. He leads by about 7,000 out of 2.3 million votes cast. That's considerably more iffy. But by declaring victory and showing a lead at this moment, he psychologically establishes himself as the "legitimate" claimant and the losing Allen as the "sore loser" challenger. Worked wonders in 2000, and it should do the same here.

Due to some complicated election rules in VA, no recounts can begin until after 11/27. Here's hoping that George Allen has enough decency to concede and not turn this into a 2-month fiasco.

Who the fuck are we kidding. George Allen has no decency at all. Get ready.