BURNING MY LUDDITE CARD

Posted in Rants on January 31st, 2007 by Ed

I am no longer the least technologically-advanced person in my age cohort: I got an mp3 player. It makes me feel an awfully lot like my dad to think that my only complaints thus far are that:

A. The buttons are too goddamn small for my Andre the Giant hands

B. I wish it was bigger to reduce my odds of losing it

Truly I am a 47 year-old man from Cicero in a younger man's body. And now for the shameless product plug: it's a Samsung T9. Holy crap does it rock. The screen is amazing, a lobotomy patient could figure out how to use the interface software, and the sound is home stereo-quality. I think I agree with CNet – why? Cause fuck Apple, that's why.

I WONDER IF DICK CHENEY OPPOSES THIS TOO

Posted in Rants on January 29th, 2007 by Ed

So they're banging the drum pretty loudly here in Indiana to have the day after the Super Bowl declared a holiday. The national media have picked up on the story as well and are calling for a federal holiday.

For the Super Bowl.

ESPN is currently running a front-page poll that has about 57% "yes" votes for creating a Super Bowl holiday, which means that among both the national media and the general public the idea of honoring the day after a football game with a federal holiday enjoys about as much support (if not more, depending on location) as Martin Luther King Day.

Oh well, we already know how the White House feels about designating more federal holidays. Unless…..no, I'm sure they don't have a problem with MLK. Their objections are certainly general in nature and apply to all holidays equally.

YOU TOO CAN COCKBLOCK GIRLS GONE WILD

Posted in Rants on January 25th, 2007 by Ed

We here at ginandtacos.com are already on record with how we feel about Mr. Joe Francis and his golden egg: "Girls Gone Wild" videos. If you missed it or have forgotten, maybe you can refresh your memory about this gentleman via this LA Times story.

This upcoming weekend (I believe 1/26/07 was the planned date) the GGW caravan was scheduled to come to Bloomington for an evening of liquoring up freshmen, "paying" them in t-shirts, and making a million bucks off of it. As you can imagine, this did not sit particularly well with much of the campus (conversely, we imagine it sat VERY well with a portion of it).

Attentive activists (including but not limited to the one I'm marrying, the reasons for which will soon become clear) have gotten the GGW show canceled. How? Not by calmly explaining to the owner of the scheduled venue (Jake's Nightclub – the Bloomington Kam's) that inebriated people can't make sound judgment about signing waivers or that the whole affair is exploitative.

No, that wasn't it. Here's what works, and please take note of this for when GGW shows up on your campus. Tell the bar owner that you will acquire a copy of the Girls Gone Wild video made at his or her establishment, and you will attend the next city council meeting at which his liquor license is to be renewed and show said video to the council.

Basically, threaten him or her. Then watch how quickly they pull the plug. Viva the all-American cockblock!

More Definition than reality.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 24th, 2007 by Mike

Not that long ago, Erik upgraded the apartment in Champaign to high-definition television-viewing equipment (a Circuit City open box special, no less). Since then, a lot of high definition television viewing has been going on. One thing that has been noted is how disturbing shows and/or movies with poor production values look in HD (I believe it was first noted with the bad makeup and lighting in Beauty Shop). So it was only a matter of time until this story arrived via the nytimes:

Pornography has long helped drive the adoption of new technology, from the printing press to the videocassette. Now pornographic movie studios are staying ahead of the curve by releasing high-definition DVDs.

They have discovered that the technology is sometimes not so sexy. The high-definition format is accentuating imperfections in the actors — from a little extra cellulite on a leg to wrinkles around the eyes.

…"The biggest problem is razor burn," said Stormy Daniels, an actress, writer and director.

Ms. Daniels is also a skeptic. "I'm not 100 percent sure why anyone would want to see their porn in HD," she said.

…Jesse Jane, one of the industry's biggest stars, plans to go under the knife next month to deal with one side effect of high-definition. The images are so clear that Ms. Jane's breast implants, from an operation six years ago, can be seen bulging oddly on screen.

"I'm having my breasts redone because of HD," she said.

The stretch marks on Ms. Jane from seven years ago when she gave birth to her son are also more apparent. But she deals with those blemishes in a simpler way: by liberal use of tanning spray.

A couple things to note.

(i) Porn actors look strangely awful on grainy VHS tapes. I can't even begin to imagine what they'll look like in high definition.

(ii) Have you ever been to LA? Have you ever noticed how all the women there look vaguely like transsexuals? Like the makeup and hair is so overdone it is almost like they are men doing an over-the-top impersonation of a woman? That's kind of how people look in high definition at times.

(iii) The green color of the grass for football in HD is how I imagine Heaven will be like if it exists. HD is most effective in sporting events.

(iv) For the porn actors above, the simulacra has become more real than the simulation. Their reality needs to start running to keep up with their simulation of their reality. (you should laugh there, it's actually a really funny joke).

(v) Kind of like went I first put on glasses or first did certain substances, watching things in HD feels like it is exercising a part of my brain I didn't know existed. That some previously dormant cluster of nerves in my optic chiasm are suddenly very active watching Boston Legal in HD does not worry me one bit.

Incompetent or Dismantler?

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23rd, 2007 by Mike

Every since Reagan started filling his cabinet with people either too incompetent to do their jobs or who had agendas that ran counter to the actual purpose of the agency, it makes for a fun game to play "Cabinet Member: Incompetent or Dismantler?" Most of the cabinet members these days are jokes, but is it because they are bad at their jobs or because they are purposely trying to dismantle the framework of the Government? Brownie? Incompetent. Elaine Chao? Dismantler.

Keeping this game framework in mind, Alberto Gonzales qualifies for the bonus round of "Incompetent or Evil?" Is he actually this incompetent when it comes to the Constitution, or is he actively working to dismantle the Bill of Rights? I didn't believe this story when I first heard about it; Here is the video to confirm it:

GONZALES: I will go back and look at it. The fact that the Constitution — again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away. But it's never been the case, and I'm not a Supreme –

SPECTER: Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. The constitution says you can't take it away, except in the case of rebellion or invasion. Doesn't that mean you have the right of habeas corpus, unless there is an invasion or rebellion?

GONZALES: I meant by that comment, the Constitution doesn't say, "Every individual in the United States or every citizen is hereby granted or assured the right to habeas." It doesn't say that. It simply says the right of habeas corpus shall not be suspended except by –

SPECTER: You may be treading on your interdiction and violating common sense, Mr. Attorney General.

JUST LIKE ANY LARGE U.S. CITY

Posted in Rants on January 22nd, 2007 by Ed

Remember, the violence in Baghdad really isn't any worse than in any major American city. Why, just yesterday I think I saw something in the news about a couple car bombs going off in…um…Charlotte, I think. There are multiple IED attacks every day in Indianapolis as well.

bodies.jpg
Seattle residents search among charred corpses for relatives

Oh, and 25 more US troops died this weekend too. In some major U.S. city, I think, but I didn't really read the article. Maybe it was in Iraq.

Yeah…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 21st, 2007 by Erik


Go to hell ESPN "experts"


You know that's permanent, right?

Posted in Rants on January 19th, 2007 by Ed

What's the worst tattoo you've ever seen? Sometimes I see the things people tattoo onto themselves and I'm simply blown away by their complete absence of taste. Or common sense. Or shame. Or…..anything.

In my long life of seeing tattoos, a couple stand out, and I wish I had photographic accompaniment:

1. A dotted line around the neck with the phrase "CUT HERE". Nothing says "I don't plan to live long enough for this tattoo to become an albatross" quite like neck tats.

2. A butterfly and a Sister Hazel logo. WHO IN THE FUCK GETS A SISTER HAZEL TATTOO?? What, were they out of Candlebox tattoos? Was the Hootie and the Blowfish one too mainstream? Band tattoos are universally a bad idea. That is a rule.

3. "Stretch out and wait" tattooed in massive letters around a young man's torso. Caveat: this tattoo would be perfectly acceptable except that the wearer was a straight man. Nothing says "More gay sex, please!" like tattooed Smiths lyrics. Therefore this person made a significant tactical error.

4. Chestpieces: all. Nothing bothers me more than perfectly cromulent titties ruined by awful chestpieces. And since all chestpieces are awful, they inherently ruin titties. Doves, nautical stars, flaming skulls, or whatever ridiculous Sailor Jerry crap you found on Livejournal should not be emblazoned on your cans. Trust me. Just trust me.

This site provides some inspiration, but I'm sure you don't need it. You've seen appalling tattoos. Share them with us.

SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS

Posted in Rants on January 17th, 2007 by Ed

Ever since Mike saw fit to post a picture of me wearing silver pants and a shady beard, I have been waiting to return the favor somehow. Knowing Mike I didn't figure that it would take long for the right opportunity to arise. I was correct.

Now, I feel compelled as a responsible citizen to warn you about the following image before I present it. Many readers, notably children or those with spastic colons, may find this image disturbing. I know I did. So before clicking through, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you prepared to see, in wholly unambiguous terms, the outline of Mike's package under a thin layer of spandex? Bear in mind that said package has been described with adjectives like "elephantine" and "life-affirming."

2. Are you prepared to see what is perhaps nature's fullest expression of the Polack Hirsuteness Ratio (3 follicles of body hair per follice of head hair)?

3. Do you believe that some phenomena are inherently beyond explanation, or are you an ardent rational choice adherent who insists on trying to make sense of a world that rarely cooperates with your efforts?

If you are comfortable with your answers, click here. Neither ginandtacos.com nor its parent corporation Nordyne Defense Dynamics accept any responsibility for this image and/or the reader's decision to view it. By reading this entry and choosing to click on this link the reader is giving informed consent to see a man in a speedo.

Hey, hey, King Lear, how many knights did you kill today?

Posted in Uncategorized on January 16th, 2007 by Mike

I just returned from three weeks in Washington DC. If you are there, or you are nearby, I recommend checking out the Shakespeare in Washington 6-month festival. The program includes just about everything you could imagine, from traditional plays to movies to Skinhead Hamlet (will Hamlet be straight-edge?). The thing that takes the cake for me is this staged reading, which, if I read it correctly, will be a blending of LBJ and King Lear.


King Lyndon Lear and His Year of Crisis: A Staged Reading

SMITHSONIAN NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY
Jun. 4

Aging and willing to divest himself of his office and holdings, King Lyndon is beset by bad health, madness, and wars. Believing himself to be a great caretaker of his family of constituents and colleagues, he watches as those same constituents rise up against his policies and compel him to fight against mighty protests at home while he perpetuates an even larger war on foreign soil. Nan Tucker McEvoy Auditorium, 8th and G Sts., NW, Washington, DC. (202) 275-0570.

I can't find any additional details on this, and it may be quite bad. But if the Duke of Cornwall looks like Robert McNamara, or if Lear says something akin to "We are not about to send British boys halfway across the globe to fight in France" I will be so happy I'll explode. Take a good look at this man; he clearly wants his daughters to overstate their affection.