SO IT'S COME TO THIS

God bless Southern Californians. Their ingenuity and never-say-die attitude toward burning our nation to the ground and pissing on the ashes is really quite commendable.

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Something tells me that the combined effect of rapid advances in telecommunications and neocon economics is going to have us all replaced by a webcam and someone in India by 2020.

WELL, THAT OUGHTA DO IT

Due to the fact that I am in the process of moving, I will have to keep this short and sweet. Leave it to a brilliant man like Vice President Cheney to perfectly crystallize the ideal solution to the ongoing fiasco in Iraq.
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On his "surprise visit" to Baghdad, Mr. Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain plans to give a stirring motivational speech to the Iraqi government informing them that "It's game time." Seriously.

Like a bad high school history teacher, we are now resorting to sports metaphors to address major political crises. Exactly what type of reaction does he sincerely hope to get from a speech like this? Is the entire Iraqi Council of Puppets and Men Marked for Death going to look suprised and say "Shit, it's Game Time? Well why didn't you tell us that before? Come on guys, if it's Game Time then let's get our asses in gear!
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"

Alright, Iraq. It's 3rd-and-goal and you're in the two minute drill. Someone needs to step up and be your nation's John Elway.
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THANKS, PUBLIC SCHOOLS!

This is probably unethical, but such concerns are irrelevant when you are as burned out on grading as I am at the moment. The following is an actual answer from an undergraduate's final exam, which I am quoting verbatim. The question was to define an "externality":

"Externality is the outside side effect that going outside for help can be beneficial, like if we run out of pineapples we could go to another neighboring country + ask for their pineapples."

I need a drink and a shower. My soul hurts.

THIS IS WHEN THINGS GET REEEEEEAL GOOD

From the pages of the DC insider's gossip sheet The Nelson Report – the publication of record for leaking information anonymously – regarding a group of old Texas allies who visited the President to talk some sense into him regarding the Paul Wolfowitz World Bank fiasco:

[S]ome big money players up from Texas recently paid a visit to their friend in the White House. The story goes that they got out exactly one question, and the rest of the meeting consisted of The President in an extended whine, a rant, actually, about no one understands him, the critics are all messed up, if only people would see what he's doing things would be OK…etc., etc. This is called a "bunker mentality" and it's not attractive when a friend does it. When the friend is the President of the United States, it can be downright dangerous. Apparently the Texas friends were suitably appalled, hence the story now in circulation.

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Uh oh. So goes the transition from Dauphin Surrounded by Sycophants Who Isolate Him from Reality to full-blown self-pitying persecution complex. This scenario is clearly waving a number of different "Oh, shit" red flags:

  • 1. It is obvious that Our Leader has come full-circle and returned to the spoiled, self-absorbed twat he was prior to his political career. It's good to see that, with all the serious issues facing us at the moment, all he can think about is himself.

  • 2. This is, almost to a letter, exactly what Nixon sounded like immediately before things got reeeeeeeeal good.

  • 3. For all his boasting about not paying attention to polls (and the misconception, of which I am guilty, that he is deluded about his levels of clout) he is obviously very much aware of how unpopular he is. He is starting to understand that A) His entire legacy is Iraq, B) Iraq is a complete clusterfuck, and C) everyone blames him entirely for said clusterfuck. He will – if he's lucky – rank slightly behind James Buchanan on the Worst President Ever list.

  • 4. Paranoia, persecution complexes, etc. – none of these are good. Especially not with someone in a position of power and responsibility. This is when a leader crosses the line from incompetence/bad intentions to actively dangerous.

  • 5. The President has added Paranoid Martyr Complex to his already dangerous personality cocktail of stubbornness and stupidity.
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    In his mind, the only logical solution to any of this is to spend the last 18 months of his term trying to prove his "enemies" wrong with "bold" and decisive actions. Expect military action in Iran by the end of the year, with a lot of psychotic Damn The Torpedoes Because History Will Judge My Actions Well talk during the ensuing uproar.

    As the Nelson Report quote says, these signs of emotional and psychological cracking are disturbing when they happen to a friend or relative. In the leader of the free world the same signs aren't disturbing, they're terrifying.

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    One need do little more than look at a video clip of the President lately (he looks like he has aged 75 years, his voice is on the verge of tantrum/whining/tears, and his body language is ever more pleading and pathetic) to see that he not in fact totally divorced from reality. He realizes what is happening to him (6 years after the fact) and he is starting to crack. Most animals are dangerous when cornered and not offered an avenue of escape. Since his stubbornness and lack of brainpower preclude his only escape routes in this situation, the animal is about to become very dangerous. Liable, in fact, to lash out unpredictably and at random. The unfortunate reality is that this cornered animal happens to be the largest, most powerful carnivore on the planet.
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    Uh oh.

    Any day now you can expect the President's current visage (the bumbling Deer In Headlights look) to disappear and be replaced with the cold, thousand-yard stare of a cult leader squirting the kool-aid into his follower's mouths as the ATF agents storm the building. He's convinced that he is right and accepts that others are incapable of understanding that fact, so there's no logical course of action except to proceed to his apocalyptic PNAC-authored Endgame scenario. Sort of like Seung-Hui Cho, only, you know, he's the fucking president.

  • TAKE YOUR TIME, ASSHOLES.

    Reading through a rather dry but on-point open letter from Carl Levin to the President, I find one paragraph near the end to be particularly stunning. That is, the idea is not only stunning on its face but the media's failure to report it widely is equally so.

    The committee considering amendments to the Iraqi Constitution appears to be as far from completing its work as it has always been.
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    Meanwhile, the Assembly is apparently planning to go on a two month recess at the end of June. Let me repeat that since it is so unbelievable – the Iraqi Council of Representatives is apparently planning to go on a two month recess at the end of June. And incredibly, Hasan Suneid, a lawmaker and adviser to Prime Minister Maliki, was quoted in the paper the other day as saying that "time is irrelevant.

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    No problem, guys. Head on down to South Padre for a couple of months and shake off the cobwebs.

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    At the current going rates, the two month vacation will only cost about 200 dead US troops and a couple thousand dead Iraqi civilians. You've gotta hand it to them, though. It's amazing how quickly they picked up on the average work schedule of a lawmaker in a democracy. After all, Iraq as it is today was baptized who is currently getting ready to head off to his Crawford, TX ranch for the 62nd time in six years (that's 409 total days at the ranch, or more than one full year – about 15% of his time since inauguration – spent on vacation).