In one of the most stunning(ly retarded) examples of hysteria since the days of stocking up on duct tape and plastic bags to fortify one's home against dirty nuclear bombs, Barack Obama's victory has triggered a buying frenzy at America's gun retailers. The disturbed jockey with the merely paranoid for the opportunity to purchase totally unnecessary levels of firepower before such weapons become as illegal as burglary and heterosexual marriage under the reign of liberalism.

You are probably assuming that these waves of gun buyers are merely concerned that the libruls are going to take away their high-capacity handguns, 30-round magazines, and .50 caliber sniper rifles originally designed to shoot holes in armored vehicles. Mr. David Greenberg of the unironically named Second Amendment Family Gun Shop in Arizona confirms this school of thought, noting that "(the) day after the election, I had many more calls than usual from people looking for semi-automatic rifles." These kinds of weapons are vulnerable to legislation like the Assault Weapons Ban which expired in 2004. They are also inarguably essential for home defense and little-dick compensation.

But if you think that this hysteria is all about the fear of impending legislation, well, let me disabuse you of that stupid, potentially treasonous assumption.

Buyers are also acutely aware that we are on the verge of a full-fledged race war. President-elect Obama is no doubt going to "exact retribution for the legacy of slavery," most likely by rounding up and gassing huge numbers of white people. Other concerned buyers avoid the contentious specter of race and refer only to generalized "civil unrest" motivated by the poor economy as the reason for stocking up. These concerns are perfectly reasonable. When the black crackheads and secular humanists show up at your door, it'll take more than colorful language to protect your family.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Ed, even if we accept this paranoia at face value, can't one suitably defend one's home with the hundreds of firearms that don't fall under any conceivable restrictions on gun ownership?" Well, no, you ignorant bastard. Today's roving bands of murdering black thugs are armed with weapons that leave America's slovenly white G. Gordon Liddy fans at an embarassing disadvantage. Don't forget that civil unrest is only half of the problem; Obama's Gestapo-like ATF will also be breaking down the doors of the God-fearing. And history has proven repeatedly that only one thing can protect private citizens when that happens: standing in the doorway armed to the teeth and shouting "You'll get my guns when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!"

Pictured: cold, dead hands

This has to be a mixed bag for gun retailers. Sure, Christmas 2008 will be a great and possibly record-setting month. But in six months one of two things will be true: either everyone who wants a .50 cal will have one and sales will taper off or the Second Amendment will be repealed and all gun shops will be converted to gay wedding chapels. If you've been reading the truth about B. Hussein Obama, the stories the mainstream media don't want you to read, I think you know which one of those two outcomes is more likely.