THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OLD JOB BACK

Posted in Rants on February 4th, 2009 by Ed

Kudos, IBM. Kudos indeed. Unlike many multinational enterprises that lay off workers, IBM is actually going out of its way to rehire its pink-slipped former employees. If more large employers behaved similarly our economy and the psyche of the American workforce would both benefit. Yes, for the unemployed ex-IBM folks there is finally a sliver of good news: you can have your old job back.

The bad news is that you have to relocate.

To India.

In what can only be described as the Divine Comedy, Super Mario Bros. negative world version of outsourcing, IBM is actually trying to get its discarded American workers to move to India and resume their old jobs. "Project Match," they call it. It "matches" people to jobs they already know how to do, and it matches employees to the salary IBM feels like paying! Everybody wins!

Not convinced? Well, "The climate is warm, there's no shortage of exotic food, and the cost of living is rock bottom." Conveniently disregard the fact that exactly the same thing can be said of Somalia, Bangladesh, or a burning orphanage. Be more positive. Think of it as the Invisible Hand of the Market adjusting your standard of living!

Act fast, folks, as the Project Match is available only to "satisfactory performers who have been notified of separation from IBM U.S. or Canada and are willing to work on local terms and conditions." In other words, you get the real, authentic experience of being on the exploited end of neocolonialism! If you think being a laid-off American worker is bad, wait till you see how much better things are for the Indian to whom your job was given. Sure, you'll spend the first three weeks shitting like a mink and struggling to breathe the gel-like air of urbanized India, but after that it's all uphill.

Think of it as an adventure. Think of India like a slightly more crowded United States with the occasional separatist violence, a lot more human feces in the streets (note: does not apply to American workers from Buffalo or Detroit), and intermittent outbreaks of cholera. Think of your new wages as a simple adjustment according to "local conditions" in your new home. And most importantly, think of this entire scheme as an act of corporate magnanimity rather than a sick example of how the post-globalization American worker is quite literally forced to compete with, or in this case accept, developing world wages.