NPF: DONG RELATIVELY WELL

Posted in No Politics Friday on April 17th, 2009 by Ed

One could argue that this isn't strictly a No Politics Friday, but I submit that Republic Magazine – THE VOICE OF THE PATRIOT MOVEMENT has leapt several sharks from politics into legitimate comedy. One of my colleagues seized several free copies of it whilst I was photographing teabaggers, and the last time I had this much fun reading a magazine it was 1982, I was wearing He-Man pajamas, and the magazine in question was Highlights. Ironically, the two magazines have many things in common. The primary difference appears to be Highlights' more stringent editorial standards and Republic's lack of Goofus & Gallant.

If this magazine was edited, it was edited by an ad hoc panel of homeless alcoholics. Nestled among advertisements for every single dealer in gold and silver bullion on Earth one finds numerous examples of outstanding writing and editing. In a piece entitled "How to Prosper in these Hard Economic Times" – replete with helpful tips like "1. Cut back on spending" and "4. Change your occupation" – the author suggests that we "move to a different part of the USA which is dong relatively well." As Indiana is dong fine, I am unaffected by this advice.

Mr. Harold Williams ("Surviving Martial Law") prepares us for the complete collapse of society, an event that every issue of the publications throughout THE PATRIOT MOVEMENT has called "imminent" for the last fifty years. He breaks down into distinct stages the transition from normal life to a fascist gulag state. At the beginning, "Since you'll be exposed to controlling troops, please NEVER LOOK IN THEIR EYES!!" That is how they steal your soul. Avoid it. The key to surviving a societal collapse, however, is food hoarding. This is even more important than gold hoarding (note: gold hoarding is still REALLY FUCKIN' IMPORTANT). Since your neighbors are not paranoid smart enough to have hoarded 30 or 40 shipping containers full of dried beans and emergency biscuit rations, they will all want your food. Some of them will want to steal it, but that is OK since you are prepared with a Doom-like arsenal of high powered firearms. The biggest threat to your supply of bomb shelter cuisine is your own kindness.

When you see starving children, it will be natural to want to feed them. STOP. BAD. WRONG. DO NOT FEED THEM. In fact, go to great lengths to conceal the fact that you have food and then beggars won't be an issue. Maintaining secrecy is simple:

Never tell teenagers anything…a sign in front telling the world that you have food will work as well. Do not feed their friends.

In short, "DON'T FEED A KID WHO IS NOT YOUR OWN, NO MATTER WHAT." The magazine (er, "magazine") then gives us an op-ed from Ron Paul, one that reads as though he scrawled it on a Western Bacon Thickburger wrapper while taking a dump in an airplane lavatory. But hey, he's Ron Paul. We recognize that name. He lends "credibility" to this enterprise.

Wrapping things up is a two-page list of "100 Items to Disappear First in a calamity" – with eight additional bonus items "From a Sarajevo War Survivor"!! My favorites: #77 Tang and #100 Goats/Chickens. Not sure why the final two get lumped together as a single item, but I do know that I have a 300 foot tall grain silo full of Tang in rural Idaho so #77 is good to go in Ed's world.

If the survivalist right didn't exist I would have to invent them. That's how much pleasure I derive from them. Note that Republic Magazine offers complete online issues and they'll mail you an old-fashioned paper one if you ask. Dong with that information what you will.