GODDAMN YOU, KEVIN McCULLOUGH

Posted in Rants on May 5th, 2009 by Ed

I really want to stop doing FJMs so frequently. Really, honestly, sincerely I do. But I need to do this one. I can rest when I'm dead.

Kevin McCullough is a complete nobody, like 98% of the columnists who clog the cultural greasetrap of TownHall.com. He is the co-host of "XTreme Radio" with…wait for it…Stephen Fucking Baldwin. What, Daniel was busy?

Anyway, Kevin is here to tell us how a real (i.e., not gay) man would treat vapid pageant automaton Carrie Prejean when she expresses herself on the issue of "traditional" marriage. Traditional meaning "better." Like how "traditional" race relations in the US were way better than the new kind. By the end of this journey through "Why Satan's 'Tolerant' Spawn Hate Miss California" I think you will have a better understanding of traditional marriage, gays, and how badly Kevin McCullough needs to be locked in a state-run mental institution before he goes on a murder spree.

DISCLAIMER: In no way should the description of columnist Michael Musto and blogger Perez Hilton in the following piece be understood to apply to all males who engage or are curious about homosexuality.

Oh, this is going to be good. As we can take to the bank the fact that anything prefaced with "Now, I'm not a racist, but…" is certain to be really goddamn racist, a disclaimer like this is the most beautiful form of foreshadowing.

Has anyone seen Carrie Prejean's brother? I'm not even sure if she has one.

The only way this could possibly be relevant is if you were about to argue that…nevermind. He can't possibly be getting ready to imply that she needs a man to protect her. I won't believe it. No man good enough to co-host an internet radio show with Stephen Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ Baldwin could be so foolish.

But I know one thing, when I was in the sixth grade a boy in my school called my sister the name of a female dog, and he literally had a fight on his hands his entire way home that afternoon. His name was Chris Green he didn't even know my sister but in a moment of trying to injure me he called my sister that name.

Let's safely assume that Kevin has a long, long list of people who slighted him in grammar school, complete with Howard Unruh-style notes about the appropriate retaliation for each transgressor.

For the first few blocks my friend Shane and I shadowed him up the street off the junior high campus,

Sounds emotionally healthy so far.

and then when we thought we were outside of school jurisdiction Shane held my stuff while I tackled and then proceeded to punch the living daylights out of the bully who was two grades older than me and a good eighty pounds heavier.

Well, size is negated when one party sucker-punches the other like a coward. Good job, though. GRR! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!! Kevin McCullough is so fucking tough that the swine flu got him.

About five minutes into it campus security drove up and dragged us back on campus where both of us were sentenced to a week of after school study hall.

"Campus security"?? Where in the hell did you go to 6th grade, Kevin? An oil rig in the Straits of Hormuz? Marion Federal Prison? In The Road Warrior?

It was the only fight I ever participated in my entire educational experience. And it was the last time Chris Green ever brought up my sisters within earshot of me.

Violence works! Also, thank God there was a man around to protect your sister from the verbal droppings of a goddamn 11 year-old boy.

Given the fact that Perez Hilton more than a week ago asked Miss Carrie Prejean her opinion and didn't like the result, someone like her brother needs to pay a visit to Perez Hilton and Village Voice columnist Michael Musto and remind them how men are expected to comport in society.

Violently! Comport yourself such that you are ready to lash out – unpredictably and without warning – in explosive bursts of retribution whenever you hear something that displeases you!

There was a day when even the word "prostitute" was not used in mixed company, even to describe women who actually were in fact prostitutes. Manliness constrained their speech, and pseudonyms were substituted like "lady of the night."

I don't even know where the fuck to begin. I'm just going to amuse myself with a ball of twine for a few minutes.

It's understandable that males who prefer women's underwear and their mother's earrings would be jealous of someone like Carrie.

Kevin, it's fair that you speak out so strongly against The Gay since you have such an accurate, well-developed understanding of The Gays. Also, when I have six spare hours, I will put on a sock puppet show explaining how "You're making fun of me because you're jealous" is perhaps the most shameful display of juvenile "logic" that can be employed rhetorically short of yelling "TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!" or making farting noises with one's armpit.

But it is unacceptable from any person heterosexual or homosexual to abide the types of things these two males have uttered within the last week concerning Miss California. Oh yes, and you can add to that the rather saddest excuse for manhood in prime time cable today Keith Olbermann.

"rather saddest"? Oh, I forgot. We're still doing the RightWingSpeak thing.

Tub flange, doorbell compressor? Beiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiige!

Their criticism was beyond just differing on points of substance. Like pigs they wallowed in rhetorical feces, smeared it on their faces, as well as each others, and then belched it out across the airwaves.

Highly, highly credible criticism from the host of hard-right "X-FUCKIN-TREEEEEEEEEEEME RADIO" with Stephen Slap My Ass and Call Me Napoleon Baldwin. The one who introduced his discussion with a title about "Satan's spawn."

Do tell us, Professor. Do tell. Lecture us on rolling around in rhetorical shit.

(snipping a long string of quotes from Musto and Hilton)

Those little gems stemmed from a two minute interview conducted by Olbermann on his nightly news show in which the big breaking news of someone besides Carrie releasing her medical information was the scheduled topic to be discussed.

Well, it helps to euphemistically refer to "her medical information" rather than mentioning that California pageant officials paid to give her fake tits. Not relevant to her stupidity but, you know, it makes her look like a bigger ingrate for disrespecting the organization by violating her contract and using her position to advance a partisan agenda like a complete hack after they shelled out to help her compete in this twisted spectacle of degradation.

Had Olberman even an ounce of dignity, manhood, or integrity within him he would've cut the interview off and gone to break. But instead the adolescent boy within him kept laughing and going.

Unlike the adolescent boy in Kevin McCullough, who lashes out and kicks some motherfucking ass when he hears things he dislikes!

And here I sit still waiting for even one member of the cable news, or mainstream media circles to formulate an articulate defense of the beautiful, kind, compassionate woman

You forgot vapid and bigoted. Those two are important.

who is being treated this way for simply answering a question honestly.

OK, so answering a question "honestly" is supposed to shield someone from the repercussions of said response? If a reader asks me "Gee Ed, whaddya think about Hitler?" and my response is "He's a great, great man. Too bad we stopped him!" can I sidestep the ensuing furor by feigning Honesty?

Come on, people, I'm just keepin' it real! You can't give me shit for being Honest and telling you My Opinion! The Forcefield of Honesty protects me!

The fact that few men have had visceral reactions to this demonstrates how weak modern feminism has caused men to become.

This is Kevin McCullough's love letter to K-Lo. They can bond over their mutual love of blaming feminism. They can co-author a column blaming feminism for the fact that the children they produce will be hooved.

Simply put Musto and Hilton aren't just men who struggle with some sort of unnatural attraction to other males. They aren't even, for that matter, males that practice sexual behavior with other males that mind their own business and aren't out to upend the entirety of the free world.

THE GAY AGENDA

1. Upend entirety of free world
2. Wear panties
3. Wear mom's jewelry
4. Convert children
5. Bugger said children
6. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous parades!
7. Be legally recognized as human beings

Source: Stephen Goddamn Battle Hymn of the Republic Baldwin

Musto and Hilton are angry hateful males who have no concept of what manhood is. They are jealous of Carrie for the confidence she exudes, the kindness she genuinely expresses, and for the kind of men she is able to attract.

Of all the claims laid against Mr. Hilton and Mr. Musto, I'm pretty sure that accusing them of being jealous of the amount of ultraconservative cock Ms. Prejean can attract is the most ludicrous. I mean, is there ANYONE – even straight ultraconservative women – who thinks of Neil Cavuto, Ron Paul, or Jonah Goldberg as the dream lay? Something tells me Mr. Hilton is not hurting for male companionship and doesn't spend many nights alone wishing that he could slowly motorboat Rush Limbaugh's crenulated buttocks.

(Note: the above discussion excludes world-renowned gay icon Stephen Sweet Quivering Balls of the Blessed Virgin Baldwin)

Undoubtedly the tempers in the men who have said and expressed these diabolical statements stems from a deep and abiding hurt in their life that needs to be dealt with in mercy and kindness.

And punching.

But that still doesn't give them or any of the other hateful haters who hate out there

If one attempted to explain alliteration to a three year old, he or she would probably try the concept by repeating the same word. I mean, little kids just don't understand literary devices. Now, I'm not implying that Kevin McCullough is as good of a writer as a three year old, but Kevin McCullough is as good of a writer as a three year old.

the right to rhetorically bludgeon the name and reputation of a decent woman for answering a question honestly.

I honestly believe that someone should find Kevin McCullough's home address and burn his house to the ground after barricading all of the exits.

Forcefield of Honesty! This is an excellent legal defense. It will certainly hold up in court.

In my world growing up my mother made sure that I understood several things.

I'd say "several" is an excellent estimate of the number of things you understand, Shooter.

You always hold the door open for the ladies to go first.

Well, I prefer to hold the door open for whatever people I happen to be with. I don't see the need to discriminate. Sometimes, if I'm not the first person to reach a door, a woman holds the door for me.

Tell me I didn't just blow your fucking mind, Kev!

You never hit a woman.

I'd add "or men," but that might seem a little too gay to Kevin.

And you never speak to her in coarseness and filth.

Fine. What's the Emily Post-approved way to tell this dipshit to lean forward and blow it directly out her puckered asshole?

In the anonymity of a television studio, or the safety of a bedroom webcam,

Or from the safety of a syndicated column.

Musto and Hilton feel they can rhetorically rape the heart and soul of Carrie Prejean.

Kevin, you just raped logic.

What they are doing, K-Mac, is pointing out that someone in her position probably shouldn't be a racist, or a sexist, or an anti-Semite, or particularly unfond of Belgians. See, paegeants are disgusting anachronisms from an era best forgotten. But. BUT. If we accept the fact that they continue to exist and some women choose to participate, we can objectively agree that such a "position" should be used for the general good. You know, raising money for Jerry's Kids. Saving pandas. Telethons for pediatric AIDS. School books for kids in Ghana. It's not an invitation to become Trent Lott. She wasn't elected to office. She was declared the "winner" of a contest to see who could most completely conform to an idealized version of 1950s womanhood.

But friend, that's just pure evil. You simply do not treat a lady like that… ever. Especially if they have a big brother.

To quote Beavis, are you threatening me? Holy shit are you a creep, Kevin.

I feel like I'm reading John Hinckley's letter to Jodie Foster, a desperate attempt to impress Miss California with his toughness, feats of strength, manliness, intellect, agility, and Godliness. If he's as persuasive in the romantic sense as he is at political rhetoric, I have a feeling that they'll be married soon.

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