BARTOLO COLON vs. THE HAMBURGLAR

Posted in No Politics Friday, Quick Hits on May 30th, 2009 by Ed

Now, I'm not saying Bartolo Colon looks like the Hamburglar, but Bartolo Colon looks suspiciously like the Hamburglar.

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His durability, powerful right arm, girth, and impressive disregard for physical conditioning recall the glory of current and former corpulent baseball stars like Rich "El Guapo" Garces (the last man to actually be driven to the mound on that hemlet-shaped engineering marvel known as the bullpen car), Mike "Spanky" LaValliere, Bobby Jenks, Kevin Mitchell (who once ended up on the Disabled List after injuring himself eating a fucking donut), Cecil Fielder (whose vegetarian son Prince, already 280 pounds at age 24, figures to look like an elderly Orson Welles by his mid-30s), and the legendarily sloppy Mickey Lolich.

It's a beautiful sport when guys who look like a south Philly telephone repairman can end up in the Hall of Fame – I'm looking at you, Gwynn and Puckett – or win MVP awards like Fielder, Mitchell, and Colon (Cy Young). Watching Tony Gwynn steal 56 bases in 1987 gives our fat asses hope as fans and viewers.

And for the record, the famously girthsome Babe Ruth was actually svelte for most of his career. It was not until his final years – when he started sneaking into the bullpen between innings to eat hot dogs – that he went all Cookie Jarvis on us. His career was essentially over by that point anyway.