I'm moving. Like, right now. The amount of time I have available to blog is minimal, so for today I'm going to do a dramatic, FJM-style reading / interpretation / English translation of the side effects listed on the GlaxoSmithKline website for the weight loss drug Alli. Perhaps you've seen the commercials. The company left a few things out of them.

1. what are the side effects of alli?
Most side effects are related to the way you take the product and how much fat you consume when taking alli. Not everyone experiences GI side effects (or "treatment effects"), but they can be manageable when you follow a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet.

We are eager to avoid answering that question. So "What are the side effects?" is answered with, "Well, most of the side effects come from eating fat." We have also euphemistically labeled them "treatment effects" to take away some of the sting.

2. will alli affect my sleeping pattern?
No. alli is non-systemic acting and won't affect the central nervous system. You will not feel the same jitteriness or palpitations from the drug.

This isn't really your first concern when taking a digestive/metabolic drug, but we answered it first because it's the only question we get that doesn't involve a terrifying answer.

3. does taking fiber with your diet help to reduce treatment effects?
There is no conclusive scientific evidence that fiber will reduce the treatment effects of alli, although fiber has many benefits to your body. However, eating a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet will help to manage treatment effects.

Boy, I bet you're really wondering what the "treatment effects" are by now.

4. what about treatment effects?

Alright, we've tapdanced around this for as long as humanly possible.

Treatment effects are bowel changes that are most commonly caused by eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules.

That doesn't sound so bad! "Bowel changes" could mean having to go more often or perhaps less often.

Such effects may include oily spotting


Eating fats leads directly to "oily" "spotting." So, in essence you will be a car with no muffler. The fats will bypass your digestive tract entirely and dribble out your ass like a leaky faucet. It will be like Chinese Water Torture for your underwear. In fact we can guarantee that the fat will go from your fork to your boxers in less than 5 minutes.

loose stools

Remember taking solid craps? Yeah, forget about that. With Alli at your side and in your system, it's nothing but mudbutt from now on.

and more frequent stools that may be hard to control.

We want to emphasize that you won't just have to go more often. You literally won't be able to stop it. No pinching-it-for-a-minute-until-I-find-a-bathroom. Just pure, raw power. Your ass will be like Buckingham Fountain. We're trying to downplay this, but I think you get the picture: the first time you take Alli and have a tablespoon of alfredo sauce, the structural integrity of your o-ring is going to be tested and most likely compromised.

alli works by blocking the absorption of a quarter of the fat in the foods you eat.

You're taking this to keep your body from digesting so much fat. That is your motivation, tubby. Remember that when you are in a public bathroom stall at a Greyhound station cursing a merciless god and re-enacting the Air Battle of Britain with your ass.

This undigested fat passes through the body naturally, and it is not harmful.

"Not harmful." In that it will not cripple you. Because, you know, explosive and intermittent diarrhea isn't technically harmful. It just really blows. A lot.

In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

This is getting really fucking gross, isn't it? Are you sure you want to take this? We're telling you – explicitly telling you – that you are going to make oil and vinegar dressing with your ass. And if you remember back a few sentences, you're going to be doing it frequently and without warning. So when you make an ill-advised decision to study the contents of the bowl after one of your 15 daily thunderbutt sessions, don't be surprised to see some floating oil. Yep.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.

OK, so, you're an adult. And you just explosively shat yourself in public. But, uh, if you wear dark pants no one will notice. Never mind the fact that you will smell like a rendering plant. Your friends and co-workers will say "Hmm. It sure does sound and smell like Barb just shit her pants, but looking at her dark slacks I see no visual evidence." You'll be off the hook.

Also, if you end up needing to use your "backup clothes" at work, GlaxoSmithKline accepts no responsibility for, and makes no suggestions regarding, how you are supposed to get the shit-doused clothes home.

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens.

Holy balls, you are going to fart like a motherfucker. If you can make it to the bathroom it may spare whoever sits next to you at work the wrath of your Ass Chernobyl. Come to think of it, if you take Alli it might be wise to work, eat, and sleep in the bathroom. It's just easier that way.

Eating a low-fat diet that consists of 15 grams of fat per meal on average can lower the chance of experiencing these treatment effects. Additionally, the alli program can help you reduce the likelihood of having treatment effects.

Look, this stuff is going to fuck you up but good. That said, you stand a half-decent chance – something like 30% – of reducing your need to have bathroom carpet-bombing missions if you eat right. 15 grams per meal isn't a lot. But it's what you can have. 16 grams and you will shit like a geyser. 15 grams. No more.

In closing, Alli forces you to eat less fat with vicious negative reinforcement. As a pharmaceutical it doesn't really make you thinner. It just makes you have violent assplosions every time you eat something that isn't good for you. It is the guardian angel on your shoulder. By "angel" we mean "bastard" and by "shoulder" we mean Lower GI tract. Because really, who wants to waste time eating good food and enjoying life when you could be power-shitting your way into a smaller dress size?