It is a fool's errand to expect any semblance of journalistic integrity from Rich "Mr. Sparkle" Lowry, the man who typed the following one-handed while furiously pounding on his crank during the most recent Vice-Presidential debate.

I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, "Hey, I think she just winked at me." And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can't be learned; it's either something you have or you don't, and man, she's got it.

But no matter how much or how little I expected of him, Lowry was busy working in secret to make sure he would disappoint.

Lowry is the perfect mascot for the overall decline of the conservative movement – the group that once resembled a blue-blooded country club gathering but now looks like the unwashed, illiterate gaggle of retards in the cheap seats at an unsanctioned regional pro wrestling match. The flagship National Review, founded by William F. Buckley as the high-brow conservative publication that non-conservatives could read and expect to see a cogent argument or two, has degenerated under the leadership of people like Lowry to the point that it is increasingly indistinct from PJTV segments and lightly-edited YouTube comments.

For example.

Some diligent review of Bush-era White House emails has revealed an amusing nugget which puts Lowry's moral and practical ineptidue in context. During the U.S. Attorney dismissal scandal, he apparently "offered to help" spin the firings in print to aid his friends in the White House communications office like Sara Taylor. She wrote:

Prior is going after (Rove protege and newly appointed US Attorney Tim) Griffin. He's made this his cause…. We need to find some folks to defend Tim and his credentials, not to mention our policy.

Your thoughts? Rich Lowry offered to help Tim

Leaving aside the hilarious fact that Taylor went on to ask, "Anyone better?" let's count the ways that Lowry is a whore. No, I'm not talking about his abandonment of even the pretense of journalistic ethics. I'm talking about the fact that he's not even a good conservative – there's a going rate for this kind of service, Rich! Why give it away for free? Armstrong Williams got paid $240,000 to fluff No Child Left Behind on his radio show and in personal dealings with black religious leaders and journalists. Maggie "Will Fuck for Pie" Gallagher received $41,000 through Health and Human Services to promote the "Healthy Marriage Initiative" in 2005 – including testimony before Congress in which she conveniently neglected to mention her status as a hired shill. Michael McManus and his front group "Marriage Savers" received over $53,000 to do the same as Gallagher. And here comes dumbass Rich Lowry offering to do it gratis. I thought these people were supposed to understand the free market. You know how the old saying goes: why buy the cow when Rich Lowry will suck your dick for free? Most people suck it because doing so is lucrative, but I guess others just love the taste.

You have failed Buckley's legacy, Rich. The old man would have charged out the ass for this kind of service.