THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION

Posted in Rants on September 15th, 2009 by Ed

After five years of searching using every available piece of technology from Deep Blue to the Hubble Telescope to the Large Hadron Collider, scientists have discovered something worse than YouTube comments. And by that I mean I called them and said "Hey, turn all that shit off. I found it." Ladies and gentlemen, having already outed myself at Super Bowl time as a football fan, it is my sad responsibility to report that NFL.com has added a comment section to game pages.

• CUTLER WHO PIC GUY KINDA LIKE FAVRE HUH?LOL SUCKER
greenbay111 | 4 minutes ago

• the funny thing is no bear fans are in here, haha where are all those guys that were talking about cutler, the pro bowl QB we've always needed, BEARS SUPERBOWL haha
thehorseshoe20 | 4 minutes ago

• 4 picks for jay cutler hay all packer fans didnt all the bears fans say they were gunna kill us
packfann2 | 5 minutes ago

• STEELCITY WE WON HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NOW SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE
ozzz | 5 minutes ago

• 87 yard td vs 4 picks n 1 td hmmmm….i guess GO ORTON. LOL
imanyeaman57 | 4 minutes ago

• CUTLER SUCKED 2 NITE.HE LOOKED LIKE KYLE ORTEN OUT THEIR. BRIAN URLACKER GONE WOOP HIS A S S FO F U C K I N UP
bigdawg420 | 4 minutes ago

• I refuse to make excuses, a win is a win and a lost is a lost.
deucewyld | 5 minutes ago

• There ya go sparky is already making the excuses for Cutler Hasnt anyone told you excuses are like Butt holes everyone has one
wildman2017 | 5 minutes ago

Is this it? I mean, is this it for us as a species? Are we about five to ten years away from jettisoning language altogether in favor of grunting and banging on rocks? Granted, this is not a good sample, as the average hardcore football fan is A) fat, B) an idiot, C) drunk, and D) a fat drunken idiot. But every once in a while I have a moment at which I'm forced to step back and stare in abject horror at the way we communicate with one another.

The key to enjoying a hot dog is active denial. You know you're eating ground assholes. If you want to enjoy your hot dog, don't think about it. Internet comments outside of the self-selected community of political blogs I enjoy are the hot dog ingredients to me. I know how stupid most of this country is. I know. I realize that the guy next to me on the bus probably can't string a sentence together; that there are college students who can't spell or understand subject-verb agreement; that the vast majority of Americans' preferred form of addressing one another involves taunting, shouting, and words like "bitch" or "dawg"; that one in five of my fellow voting-aged citizens cannot read this paragraph.

I go to great lengths to enjoy portions of my day by putting all of this out of my mind. Generally I succeed; even Glenn Reynolds' and Michelle Malkin's shit is in sentences and is comprehensible. But websites that draw in a broader cross-section of society burst my bubble. It scares me. And while we are wise to remain wary about idealizing the past, I steadfastly refuse to believe that, regardless of changes in medium, people communicated with one another like this fifty years ago. I don't think we can maintain this rate of decline for another fifty years.