I WANT TO MARRY A LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER

Posted in Rants on September 29th, 2009 by Ed

(note: Throughout this entry please do as I have been doing for an hour: hum "I want to be a right-wing pundit" to the tune of "I want to marry a lighthouse keeper.")

I am becoming a right winger and changing the format of this blog. My style of argumentation will be changing – perhaps even changing radically – but it's going to be so much easier on me. Harder on you, because everything I write will be terrible, but so long as it saves me time I don't care. Ayn Rand is beaming with pride from beyond the grave.

I have been inspired to make this abrupt change by Dan Riehl, one of the internet's most consistently idiotic bags-o'-dicks finest sources of reasoned political rhetoric, and his recent musings on murdered Census-taker Bill Sparkman. Dan is a to-the-point kind of guy, so he helpfully entitles the piece "Was Census Worker Bill Sparkman a Child Predator?" for readers short on time. Then he reassures the skeptical reader that he has "done a fair amount of crime blogging mixed in with politics over time. One doesn't rule anything in or out without some firm answers" to remind us that he has expertise and knows of what he speaks.

Taking a cue from Riehl, I'm going to helpfully summarize the argument in case you don't have the time to learn all there is to be learned from it.

  • 1. What if he was? He might have been. (i.e., "Everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this novel presupposes is, maybe he didn't?")
  • 2. All I'm doing is bringing up a possible explanation. Nothing at all should be implied from my immediate leap to "child molester" among the literal millions of things I could have leaned forward and pulled directly out of my puckered ass.
  • 3. We are being irresponsible if we let social mores prevent us from speculating. The Liberal Media could learn a thing or two here. Maybe if they were more willing to make shit up and say it on air they would be better at their jobs.
  • 4. He didn't have a full-time job, a wife, or kids. Two words: KID FUCKER. (Note: he had kids. Nice reporting, Dan!)
  • 5. He was a substitute teacher but didn't have "a teaching degree." (Note: Except for his Bachelor's Degree in Education from Western Governors University. OK, that's an online school, but it's accredited, and he completed the degree requirements. You win at reporting, Riehl-dawg!)
  • 6. He was an Eagle Scout. Why would anyone be in the Boy Scouts unless they wanted to finger kids?

    The only question is how I'm going to spend all of the additional free time this technique will provide. I may trouble myself to churn out a 180 page right-wing best seller over a weekend, but I think I can better serve humanity by applying my sleuthing skills to more crimes. Wait, I no longer give a shit about serving humanity. The book will be on the shelves by October. Email me to reserve an early copy of The Great Fingering: Obama's Army of Preverts and their Plan to Touch Your Child's Bathing Suit Area.

    (Thanks, S,N! You get a free copy of the hardcover)