CHECK. MATE.

Posted in Rants on October 29th, 2009 by Ed

It starts innocently enough. Wingnut columnist living in his mother's basement and cranks out column entitled "Right Wing Women Rock," which we assume is a paean to Awesome, Strong Conservative Princesses like, I don't know, Sarah Palin. Ann Coulter. Etc. You know the drill. This column practically writes itself. But Ian Robinson wrote it anyway.

Could be our slogan: Come for the culture war … stay for the chicks. Right-wing women rock.

That is the worst slogan I have ever seen, including Taco Bell's infamous "Taco Bell: It'll Make You Shit!tm" ad campaign.

Not for us the sturdy, honest calves of the New Democrat/Green Party female, honed on eco-tourist rainforest hikes. Those legs are often on unfortunate display, extending from a knee-length tweed skirt as hairy as the legs themselves, and end in a pair of Birkenstocks.

Ah, so this isn't about "right wing women" rocking so much as it is an excuse to trot out the tired stereotypes of hairy, acid-dropping left wing floozies. Great.

I have yet to see a pair of Birkenstock women's shoes that didn't look like part of the required uniform for police SWAT teams. Sensible shoes are one thing … quite another to don a pair that look like they're meant for rappelling down the sides of buildings with a Heckler & Koch sniper rifle slung over your shoulder.

Now it's about shoes. I'm fucking confused.

The primary reason our womenfolk are at war with the looming spectre of the nanny state is because you can't buy Jimmy Choos in a socialist paradise. The only sensible footwear you'll find in a right-wing woman's closet are the Nike cross-trainers that go with her gym membership. Everything else has a three-inch heel. Minimum.

It could not be more painfully obvious that Ian Robinson has never spoken to an actual woman without first giving his credit card number, and thus he is basing this entirely on what he imagines a real live woman would be like as he gazes at his Megan McArdle 8×10 and furiously touches himself.

Left-wing drabs recycle. Right-wing women shop — and the government measures how much they shop every month to find out whether we're still in a recession. Basically, the world economy depends on right-wing women buying shoes.

OK. Is this a joke?

You never hear a right-wing woman break out statistics pointing out that only 25% of elected offices in Canada are held by women, and then whining about it.

This may be a cultural difference, because America's "right wing women" have created a very profitable industry based on whining!

No. A right-wing woman wants to get elected, she runs for office. If she wins, great. If she loses … well, there's always more shoe shopping.

No, seriously, is this a fucking joke?

A right-wing woman hits the gym, swings past Sobey's and has dinner on the table by the time you get home … while her left-wing counterpart is still stuck in traffic listening to Sarah McLachlan on her iPod and feeling morally superior about her carrot choices. And when that plate of food is put in front of you by the right-wing hottie you had the good sense to marry, it will be 100% tofu-free. If you're lucky, she just remembered to buy steak and forgot about the carrot entirely.

We are so far into Ian Robinson's lonely night jerk-off fantasies I feel like this should be accessible only to people over 18. Seriously, if you listen very carefully you can actually hear him pounding away on his sad little crank.

Right-wing women have traditional families, so they want to raise them themselves … or at the very least by a nanny they've vetted, rather than abdicating that responsibility to the state. They know that the good life costs money … so they're not sure why the average Canadian is handing — on average! — half their income to smarmy government apparatchiks who spend it mostly on stupid crap.

Haw haw! The gub'mint is stupid! If only we let Ian Robinson's dominatrix fantasy idealized woman run the country! She'd balance the budget and have a steaming hot dinner on the table by 6:00!

Because most of them have careers and work hard, they understand the value of a dollar, allowing you a steak lifestyle on a hamburger income … and they know they can spend their family's money more intelligently than some faceless bureaucrat with a passion for public art or totalitarian city planning.

So what exactly do men do in this world, Ian, other than (presumably) work a little and get like nine BJs per day from their Cato Institute Goddess-Wife?

If they can tell their kid he can't have the newest Xbox upgrade and make it stick … if they can make a husband understand it makes more sense to put money in an RRSP than going to the Super Bowl with the guys every year … if they can pull all that off, then fixing health care shouldn't be too big a stretch.

See? Forget elections, let's just ask mommies.

Well, not all women who have children and families. Just the ones who read, obey, and slavishly adhere to the stereotypes of white male conservative columnists. The good thing, though, is that I don't see this column getting any worse.

And in case you're not convinced, to indicate the utter superiority of the right-wing woman over the left-wing variant … just turn on The View. The left has Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg. We've got Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Checkmate.

For fuck's sake.

This is wrong on so many levels I know not where to begin. Let's start by stooping to Ian's level. Not that it's even remotely relevant to anything, but Elisabeth Hasselbeck looks like an old catcher's mitt. If you're going to make the idiotic argument that her appearance is somehow relevant – to anything – at least pick someone whose leathery face doesn't bear the scars of a thousand cosmetic surgeries (which I guess all women will be getting to please men in IanWorld!). Second, of what relevance is the comparison of a 30 year old to two 60 year olds on the same show? I mean, if we reeeeally thought about it we could probably find a few examples of liberal celebrities who are just a bit more attractive than any of Fox's puppet/newscaster/martial aid drones – not to mention an aged Whoopi Goldberg. Third, let's summarize Ian Robinson's argument on the superiority of Right Wing Women:

1. They are infinitely more attractive than Ian Robinson's comically stupid and fratboy-like mental image of a "left wing woman," who can barely be tolerated what with all the leg hair, the foul odor, and the inane prattling about carrots.

2. They have more shoes and they are all uncomfortable heels, ergo they are better at…something.

3. Ian Robinson has never met a woman. His employer apparently thinks it is appropriate in light of this fact to allow him to vent his rage at all the "left wing women" who rejected his crude, sexist come-ons over the past few decades.

4. They are frugal to accommodate their prodigious shoe shopping and steak-dinner-providing, thus they should be asked to solve all of the country's problems.

5. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is hotter than 60 year old Whoopi Goldberg, hence Ian rests the living shit out of his case.

Well, makes sense to me! Can I be a Professional Newspaper Writer too?

(pre-posted at the Putz)

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