JILLIAN BANDES GETS THE FJM TREATMENT

Posted in Rants on January 13th, 2010 by Ed

Most of the "columnists" featured at Intellectual Chernobyl are in fact syndicated, and in that sense the website is nothing more than a crap aggregator. You can get Michelle Malkin's boilerplate from dozens of identically bad websites, for example. But not Jillian Bandes. Jillian Bandes is TownHall's own. They sign her paychecks. Her job – as if I need to point this out – is to churn out some seriously top-shelf product that a hungry public can find nowhere else. She showcased her powerful prescience this weekend with "Palin Stays One Step Ahead of the Political Class." If you think it's about Palin's move to Fox News, you're wrong. It's actually about how Sarah Palin is about to announce her candidacy for 2012, and the column ran the day Palin announced that she would chase the money like the tacky hillbilly she is. Let's just call her Jillian Kreskin from now on. Was she just trying to will Palin into running, thus fulfilling all of Jillian Bandes' 3 AM fantasies, or did she consciously set out to write a column that we'd enjoy reading approximately as much as an open book pelvis fracture? I'll let you be the judge.

One of the biggest questions for conservatives right now is whether Sarah Palin will run for president in 2012.

Perhaps the lack of anything better to talk about is a bad sign. Or perhaps – try to stay with me here – nobody really gives a shit what a semi-literate hack who governed Alaska for almost two whole years is going to do. My guesses would have been "Launch talk show", "Enter competitive eating contest", or "Join cast of Hee-Haw." But I don't care enough to guess.

Recent moves by Palin suggest that she will.

Way to read the signs, J-Band!

Palin just announced that she would speak at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in April – the second-most important GOP political gathering behind the Republican National Convention.

Is there a list somewhere? This is highly subjective. I always thought it went Republican National Convention, the Brickyard 400, WWE Summerslam, the Tarrant County Fair, John Kyl's Super Bowl barbecue, Focus on the Family's annual badminton tournament, and then the Southern Republican Leadership Conference.

While it’s not guaranteed that an appearance at the event means an individual will enter the GOP primary, it’s virtually impossible to enter the primary without having appeared.

Well that's solid logic. I'd say she's a virtual lock to run based on her appearance at this conference alongside fellow future Presidential candidates Sonny Perdue, Bobby Jindal, and Rush Limbaugh (health and the availability of sufficient fudge permitting).

“Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin's decision to attend — and speak at — the SLRC… transforms that event into the first legitimate cattle-call of the 2012 Republican presidential sweepstakes,” wrote Chris Cillizza at the Washington Post.

So the event wasn't a big deal until Palin got there, but it sure is a big deal that she is attending. Palin + Event = Important Event Attended by Important People.

Palin’s SLRC speech will happen right after a keynote address at the National Tea Party Convention, which has a goal of consolidating the movement’s “multiple organizations.”

Well, that only reinforces the fact that she's making the rounds at top-flight events befitting a presidential candidate. Speaking before throngs of teabaggers reeking of Funyons and sadness is an honor bestowed upon only an elite few. John Ratzenberger. World Nut Daily founder Joe Farah. Dick Armey.

Matthew Continetti, author of The Persecution of Sarah Palin, says that the dual appearances are good news on the heels of Palin’s abrupt exit from the Alaska governorship, and that they could indicate 2012 Presidential aspirations. "Palin began her rehabilitation with her book launch and media tour. Now, with the SRLC appearance, she’s continuing to lay the groundwork for a presidential run," he said.

Read that again.

I think we've heard the objective opinion of an unbiased source of Sarah Palin information. In other news, Matthew Continetti reports that Sarah Palin smells like cupcakes and the recent incident in which she murdered a vagrant with her bare hands just to watch him die is "really good news for the former Governor."

"I happen to think her more important appearance will be at the national Tea Party convention next month – Palin, unlike many prominent Republicans, understands the GOP must capture the Tea Party message, enthusiasm, and supporters if it wants to return to power."

Still quoting the same d-bag, for the record. Maybe it's because he's smart enough to realize that headlining a teabagging convention is a rocket ship straight to the top of the political world.

Continetti's assessment is right in line with a National Journal poll last month, which put Palin dead last as the "GOP political insider" choice for the Republican nomination – that’s coming from party leaders, political professionals and pundits. Ex-Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney was their pick.

"In this stupid poll of people who know their asses from a hole in the ground, we see that Republicans who are interested in actually winning an election ranked Queen Sarah dead last. Such is the folly of man. And God wept."

But Palin’s tea party appeal can’t be denied among the GOP rank-and-file.

Oh, sure it can. Just watch.

Fifty-seven percent of Republicans and forty-one percent of all voters currently see Palin as “representative of a new direction for the Republican Party,” and many put her approval ratings on par with Obama’s. Palin does well in indicators of “shared values” and “trustworthiness” among all voters.

Wow, slightly more than half of the minority party! Sounds like general election dynamite to me.

Combine those favorability ratings with her record-breaking book tour,

Which records did her book tour break? Are there even records for book tours? Other than the record for "Most Appearances at the Sam's Club in Fayetteville, Arkansas on a Book Tour from a Major Publishing House" I'm not aware of any independently verified records being set.

and hopes are pie-in-the-ski

Ah, the ol' pie-in-the-ski routine. Oliver Hardy, correct?

for her nomination as the GOP presidential candidate.

Among Jillian Bandes and Palin's apologist/biographers, hopes are high. Ski high.

Her autobiography Going Rogue has sold over a million copies, with record turnout at her book tour events.

You know what else sold a million copies? Twilight. As soon as those fuckers turn 35 we are totally drafting them into running for president.

"This book tour has been an amazing and inspirational experience for me and my family as we crisscrossed the country and met so many wonderful Americans," said Palin, via her Facebook page.

This is it. This is the end of the column. And then Sarah Palin gave up on politics and chased a paycheck. Unless Fox News is the springboard to the presidency, which history doesn't quite support. In a sense we should take it easy on Jillian since she is a victim of unfortunate timing – had she written this three weeks ago we'd hardly have noticed – but on the other hand her complete inability to read Sarah Palin makes her a fair target. The rest of us can smell a small mind from a mile away. Palin's just a rube easily dazzled by dollar signs and the prospect of endless shoe shopping sprees. Politics was never more than a get-rich-quick scheme for her, and it worked. Everyone got what they wanted, excepting of course the cadre of loyal fanatics like Jillian. Like a teenager coming to grips with the fact that his favorite band would sell out in a minute to get on MTV, there will be a few tears shed as the Palinites recognize that their princess was only in it for Rupert Murdoch's money.

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