HOW TO SPOT AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT

Posted in Rants on April 29th, 2010 by Ed

April 23, 2010

TO: All Arizona law enforcement officers
FROM: The Office of Governor Jan Brewer

Men and Women of Arizona law enforcement,

As you are no doubt aware, our state legislature recently passed, and I signed, SB1070, giving law enforcement the power to request that any individual suspected of being in the United States illegally produce proof of citizenship or legal residence on demand. Failure to have such proof on one's person is now a misdemeanor. The purpose of this memorandum is to clarify the legislation and provide guidance on how one identifies an illegal immigrant among a group of legal residents and citizens.

Since the law uses the well-defined, parsimonious phrase "reasonable suspicion" like ten times, it is obvious that much is being left to your judgment and discretion. Fortunately the Illegal is easily distinguished from other immigrants or citizens. If not, we'd have to either wildly guess or stop every Latino person who looks at an officer cock-eyed. Thank God that won't be necessary.

First, before we discuss the distinguishing characteristics of Illegals please note these two reference photos of a Latino citizen and legal resident:

Examine these reference photos closely and note the subtle differences with the subsequent examples. Generally, the Illegal is identifiable by one or more of several characteristics that may not be apparent to the untrained eye. These include but are not limited to:

  • 1. A cartilaginous dorsal fin located roughly at the median between the shoulder blades.
  • 2. Multicolored metallic pinwheels protruding laterally from the ears.
  • 3. An elephant trunk with one or more parallel ivory tusks.
  • 4. Yellow to yellow-orange flames ejected from the oral cavity.
  • 5. A ringed, furry tail.
  • 6. Red eyes and cranial horns not unlike those found on the Jews who killed our Lord.
  • Please reference the following photos to positively identify these or any other suspicious indicators:

    We continue to investigate as-yet unsubstantiated claims of shapeshifters ("changelings") among immigrants. Be vigilant and report any contacts immediately. Please direct any queries to State Senator, legislation sponsor, and close associate of prominent white supremacists Russell Pearce.

    Thank you for your cooperation and diligence in enforcing this crucial, way Constitutional, and totally not-racist law.

    Gov. Jan Brewer