WOODSTOCK '10

Posted in Rants on May 13th, 2010 by Ed

Calling your event "the Woodstock of" anything is not a good idea unless you're absolutely positive that about 200,000 people are going to show up. It is never smart to raise expectations with promises of a new Woodstock – hundreds of thousands of people engaging in bacchanalian festivities of epic proportions – and then have 47 yahoos show up. If only I had written this post a week ago and emailed it to Mr. Craig Halverson of Griswold, Iowa. I could have saved him the humiliation sure to result from his recent decision to promote "the Woodstock of tea parties" later this year.

On 9/11, to be exact (Subtle…and classy!). In Onawa, Iowa. Population 3000, birthplace of the Eskimo Pie (we prefer Inuit, by the way), and rival claimant of "the world's widest Main Street" with Plains, Kansas. So there will definitely be enough space for Maggie Gallagher, which is good news. The event will have a "take back the country theme." Should we just start raising Ed's Travel Fund now?

The event promises "prominent conservative speakers" – I guess he hasn't heard about Palin's six figure demands to give a 20 minute speech she wrote on the limo ride over to the venue – and "bands perform(ing) patriotic music." I sure as hell hope Lee Greenwood doesn't already have a gig on 9/11. But who are we kidding…Lee Greenwood has to have a gig on 9/11.

Should we just start raising Ed's Travel Fund now?

I'm betting that:

  • The most prominent speaker at this trainwreck will be Orly Taitz or Randy Weaver
  • The musical entertainment is either Prussian Blue or those guys who had 5 minutes of notoriety in 2003 for the "I'm in Love With Ann Coulter" and "Bush was Right" songs, the latter straight out of the Third Reich songbook. Or both.
  • The most Woodstock-like occurrence during this event will be a group recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance…or a humorous mishap involving six hits of Purple Microdot on blotter paper made from Chick Tracts and Debbie Schussel unsteadily lurching down the World's Widest Main Street (disputed) while having a hallucinated conversation with Father Coughlin.
  • The printed literature, both books and pamphlets, available at this event will make the literature selection at a Waco, TX gun show look like a peer-reviewed American Government textbook.
  • There are more people there to point at and mock the attendees than there are actual attendees.
  • As best I can tell, there is only one way for me to address these and many other open questions.