NPF: REALLY, CRAIGSLIST?

Posted in No Politics Friday on October 15th, 2010 by Ed

Do you ever read something brilliant and find yourself unable to stop thinking, "Damn, I wish I had written that"? Sometimes I take that feeling to the point of actual anger, as though I am mad at the universe for letting someone else write something so awesome. This Craigslist post, since removed (we'll get to that in a minute) but reproduced on Reddit (screencap here), didn't quite reach that level, but it came close.

Terrible band needed for sham of a wedding. 11/6. No pay (any takers?)

As the musician in our family, my Shylock of a half-brother and his parsimonious fiance have passed off to me the job of finding a band for their wedding. I love the kid, but his unique brand of expectant coercion and astonishingly consistent lack of judgment have left me with no recourse but to literally give him what he wants, a band that can "tear up Skynyrd, and won't cost nothin'". Since they think music is spontaneously generated via voodoo magic by assemblies of self-promoting philanthropists, I am now on a quest to find the best working band in Chicago interested in "doing it for the exposure".

If you are a serious musician that values your craft and earns a living from performance, you're probably thinking "Fuck you. Do you ask your accountant to do your taxes for the exposure?". You are not who I am looking for. Thanks for looking.

If however, you and your unemployable band of pothead hobbyists are enticed by the prospect of a free open bar stocked with the finest of suburban banquet hall well-liquor and an opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon, please contact me. There's probably dinner in it for you too, if the starched vagina of a "wedding planner" (bride's bff) can get her 3rd rung caterer to leave a few sandwiches in a storage closet for you at some point in the evening.

What I need from the band:

I don't care if you are an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry, but I need you to be able to train wreck your way through a few requests.

Don't Stop Believing. You provide the high notes, we'll provide the smell of wine and cheap perfume.

Free Bird. Go nuts with the solo. Really. If this evening was a never-ending cascade of sonic punishment hailing down on Tom at blaringly inconsiderate volumes, it would only serve as apropos karmic revenge for the afternoons I've spent listening to Jillian chatter about OHMYGODIDON'TCAREWHAT.

Macarena/Electric Slide/Chicken Dance. It doesn't matter which one you play, but there has never been a classy party where one these songs has made an appearance. This will not be a classy party.

Do Not Play: Jessie's Girl. I used to play weddings, and if I have to hear this song one more time, I'm going to fucking cut someone.

They said they don't have any preference's for attire, so I'll take that to mean you're ok in a threadbare Megadeth shirt and black jeans.

I will provide the PA (the band and sound system are my wedding present to them).

This is not a joke. Please shoot me an email if this sounds like something you might be interested in.

Why was this taken down? Foul language? Craigslist is so chock-full of creepy shit that I can hardly imagine what puts this nasty but harmless post over the line. I mean, they have an entire "Missed Connections" feature that appears to serve a dedicated community of peepers, stalkers, and potential rapists.

Knowing from painful firsthand experience what a Chicago Suburb banquet hall wedding is like, I hope the anonymous author can find a suitably terrible band to make the evening at least mildly entertaining for himself. I have no doubt that Tinley Park or Mount Greenwood will yield a band fitting this description, something along the lines of a Molly Hatchet cover band (possibly called Flirtin' With Disaster) or five heshers who work at the same Shell gas station and have a thrash metal band that has practiced twice.

Like a minority of married couples, we actively tried to make the process less terrible for our friends, members of the wedding party, and so on. How much we succeeded is questionable, but we tried. Whenever I feel like we failed, I will read this poor guy's story and realize that we could have been much bigger assheads and done things like ask our friends to find vendors to provide wedding-related services for free.