BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE: GREAT GIFTS FOR TEABAGGERS

Posted in Rants on November 24th, 2010 by Ed

The holiday shopping season is upon us, which means it is now incumbent upon you, the American consumer, to rescue the economy by spending like a PCP-addled Powerball winner. Don't have the money? Well of course you don't. But you DO still have those credit cards, right?

One of your hardest tasks on "Black Friday", aside from maintaining a high state of situational awareness (keep those heads on swivels to avoid being trampled like a Peruvian soccer fan), will be to find the perfect gift for that special wingnut in your life. You know, the Uncle who forwards dozens of weekly emails about our President's uncanny resemblance to the Biblical antichrist, the circumstances of his birth, or his impending plan to beat 10 Marines to death with a Koran every day for the next 2 years. Or maybe you have a little one in your life who you're trying to nudge down the correct ideological path; the gifts you give today can pay huge dividends down the road. When little Billy is in college 15 years from now, snorting drugs off his john's naked back, you'll be sorry you wasted the 2010 gifting season on Sonic the Hedgehog's return. Instead, why not give him a gift that he'll love now and benefit from later?

I'm big on shopping, of course, so I'm here to help you with some tips for the shopping season that I guarantee you will not find elsewhere. Shh! Keep these to yourself. Other shoppers are your competitors, and you want to keep your edge! First, a few general Black Friday shopping tips.

1. For the best 5:00 A.M. sales, anxious bargain hunters will begin lining up Thursday evening. Get the jump on your fellow shoppers by burglarizing the store a few days in advance. Better yet, conduct careful reconnaissance of the store's delivery schedules and hijack the truck en route. Trucking companies are heavily insured and drivers are instructed to offer no resistance.

2. It's too late to bone up on your Krav Maga skills, but advance planning is the key to prevailing in violent encounters in the toy department. Remember that there are no rules in a street fight; an effective tactic is to politely allow a competing shopper to cut ahead of you in line and follow up with a sharp, debilitating hook to the kidneys when his or her back is turned. Sure, they might get that limited edition Barbie, but they'll have to celebrate that victory while pissing Hawaiian Punch for a week.

3. Ignore the fallacious argument that things are cheaper and easier to find on the internet. Let the suckers fall for that. You should be in line at Best Buy no later than 2:00 AM on Friday morning if you want to get this year's hard-to-find electronic items like the Droid or Nintendo Wii. Likewise, the only way to get this year's hot toys is to exchange elbows Charles Oakley-style with suburban cow people in a dimly lit Wal-Mart parking lot in the middle of the night.

That's all well and good, but it leaves open the most important question: what to get? Here are a few trending items to keep an eye on. If you hope to land these popular gifts you need to formulate a shopping strategy now!

  • Tea Party Elmo – Toddlers go wild for Elmo, but catching Elmo's World inevitably exposes your youngster to the vulgar socialist indoctrination that is Sesame Street and Children's Television Workshop. When Big Bird starts in on his "sharing" nonsense and brings out the Spanish-speaking friends, your kids might as well be at a Khmer Rouge rally. Tea Party Elmo comes with a tri-cornered hat, a doll-sized copy of Robert Bork's Slouching Toward Gomorrah, and a make-your-own protest sign kit. Pull Tea Party Elmo's cord to hear him repeat one of four phrases over and over! Remind Big Bird and Snuffy that It's We the People, not We the Judges!

  • Suburban Mario World for Nintendo Wii and DS – Kids guide their favorite Nintendo franchise characters on a fun and challenging quest to create a tax-exempt 501(c) organization to donate money to Bowser's campaign. Afterward, the gang must continue to pressure Bowser until he agrees to rezone Mushroom World and declare Marshmallow Island an offshore tax haven, allowing Mario to avoid the Alternative Minimum Tax. (Note: Due to the potentially controversial "ethnic" nature of the characters, Suburban Mario World alters the appearance of Mario & Luigi to feature 60% less wopness.)

  • Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart – Ever struggle to find the perfect book to buy someone who doesn't read? Well, here it is! Uncle Larry will be so happy to see this one that you won't care what he does with it after he tears away the wrapping paper. Like Going Rogue, the book features an extra large portrait of the Mama Grizzly herself on the cover for maximum shelf display. Now with fewer big words!

  • Orrin Hatch Sings: 14 Songs About Whatever Mormons Think About Christmas – Featuring guest appearances by Kay Bailey Hutchinson, Randy Weaver, Sam Brownback (R-KS), and Juicy J of Three-Six Mafia!

  • Have I No Shame? by Ben Stein – This hilarious straight-to-DVD release probes the depths of Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed star Ben Stein's avarice. Featuring an extended and unrated version of the "Will you defile this dog that died 40 minutes ago for $100" scene! Not recommended for kids!

  • Know Your AEI Talking Points – The hot family board game of the year tests your recall of phrases like "job creators" and "death tax" while forcing players to think on their feet. You'd better do some studying and hope you don't draw the Liberal Media Gotcha Questions card! Comes with a shirtless photo of Paul Wolfowitz waxing his 1977 Ford Ranchero.

    Good luck this Friday, and remember: if you can't get 'em in stores there's always eBay. Or whatever wingnuts have created as "the conservative response to eBay" since I can only assume they have some sort of moral or ideological objection to it. Then again, they swallowed a Meg Whitman candidacy…