No cute intro. Doug Giles responds to the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell as only Doug Giles can. Doug, for the record, joins David Brooks in the thrice-FJMed club. Congratulations, Doug. You are not only a very stupid person but also one who thinks he is much funnier than he is. Which is to say, Doug thinks he is funny. You can be the judge of whether he is correct. So get ready…you have all won free first class accommodations on the HMS Retard of the Seas, and your Captain is Doug Giles. If you think the title is nonsensical ("Why Gays Should Dial Down with 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'") wait'll you get a load of the words that follow it.

I can understand why homosexual men would want to join the military.

This is like Choose Your Own Adventure. Turn to page 32 if DG is about to make a joke about "shower time." Turn to the next page if you want to see something about "guns going off." Turn to page 69 if you just want to hear some uninspired crap about the parade of hard, hetero male bodies that is the United States Military.

Number one: It’s Dude Central.

Formerly Dudelandtm, a subsidiary of Dude Solutions, Inc., now a part of Worldwide Dude Holdings, a subsidiary of Lockheed Martin Advanced Telemetry and Hot Cock division.

Number two: The military lends itself to the gays’ fastidiousness over everything being orderly

Yep, they're pretty much all the same. Every one of them. And conveniently enough, they are exactly like TV sitcom stereotypes about Teh Gays, so DG can write with authority about What Homos Are Like without ever having met one. Oh, who am I kidding. He meets tons of them at TownHall World Headquarters. He just doesn't realize it.

because everyone, from top to bottom,

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!1!!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE?? Thank god this sofa is covered in a fabric that resists staining and odor absorption, because I just blasted an involuntary deuce from all of this convulsive laughter.

is required to keep their clothes, boots, room and gear nice, neat and shiny.

And don't forget their Streisand albums! And their pink tutus! And their antique collections! And everything else an imaginary Doug Giles TV Gay has.

But, the third—and probably most important reason why I’m guessing that homosexuals would want to join our armed forces—is that they get to kill al-Qaeda and their murderous Muslim ilk.

Well, this took a sharp left turn on What the Fuck Boulevard.

I get that. And I appreciate it because if Muslims had it their way you cats would be extinct. As in the first to go. As in Sharia don’t like you.

While this is an accurate statement, I can't help but notice the implication that there is a serious threat – or even a remotely plausible scenario – of al-Qaeda somehow "winning" and subjecting the U.S. to Sharia law. And for the record, Doug, the Army does a pretty good job of weeding out the psychopaths who join explicitly to get to kill people. Really.

Geez Louise, you think Christians are a problem? Heck, we’re plain peachy compared to Achmed and his mob.

Achmed the TV Muslim Terrorist, meet Phineas J. Minceypants, the TV Gay Guy. I'll give you two some time to get acquainted here in Doug Giles' imagination.

If you think I’m wrong, please note that Adam Lambert’s GlamNation Tour didn’t have any stops in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Mauritania, northern Nigeria, Sudan, Somalia or Yemen. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

This is what happens when Doug Giles tries to be funny. I mean, just look at this trainwreck. Doug, the fact that those countries are Muslim is like 15th on the list of reasons this makes no sense. Lack of functioning electricity and concert venues seems like a more realistic problem. This is just so stupid. Think about this, Doug. In what world would anyone schedule any kind of international tour that would include a stop in the Sudan? Jokes need to be remotely plausible, or at least invoke the willing suspension of disbelief. This merely invokes the urge to kick you in the nads.

In regard to why lesbians join the military, this is also an easy one: no heels, no makeup, no chatty chicks on cell phones, you can cart a few extra pounds without being shamed into looking like Lindsay Lohan by Michelle Obama, and … you get to blow crap up and wear camo. I can empathize.

Yeah, Army women are usually pretty chubby! Lots of extra pounds on active-duty military people, what with all the sitting around eating fuckin' Funyuns that they do over in Afghanistan. OMG I almost forgot to notice how funny this is though! Hahaha! Lesbians all look like auto mechanics and they hate makeup and they pee standing up.

No doubt patriotism is a major reason why some homosexuals would want to serve because they’re shrewd and they get that America, with all its foibles, is still the place to be.

None of the explanations for why Teh Gays would join the military is the slightest bit different than why Teh Heteros would: patriotism, poverty, mild sociopathy, idealism, or the judge told them to sign up or go to prison. The idea that there is some kind of secret Gay Covenant to join the Army and protect Gayness from Islam is one of the many bizarre figments of Doug's imagination. I'd wager they're a lot more worried about A) being outed and either dishonorably discharged or shunned, and B) the Christian right in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Yes, you don’t hear much about the Mexican Dream, or the French Dream, or the Slovakian Dream, but we still hear the American Dream touted,

Yes, we still hear about the American Dream…because every day more people are talking about how it no longer exists. We hear about it in the same way that we hear about the Titanic or the Dodo.

and I’m sure that protecting this status is the reason why most gays want to .50cal the idiots who hate us all to an early hell.

"I'm sure of it, based on my fertile imagination, this 1947 psychology book entitled Healing Homosexuality, and the zero gay people I have spoken to in my life."

But here’s my beef with homosexuals

Oh, good.

Do you really have to be flamboyant about your gayness every place you go? Can’t there be one sector of our society where you dial down with your sexual bent, say, for the greater good?

Oh, I agree, I agree. I mean, with DADT repealed the military is going to explode into one giant, messy gay sex riot. You'll hardly be able to walk around the barracks with all the empty poppers and tubes of AstroGlide. Teh Gays will be walking around in Speedos, fornicating like bunnies while bombs are going off all around them. The Straights will hardly be able to aim a weapon without their vision being blocked by a bunch of gay dudes 69ing each other and doing Village People dance routines.

Also, dialing down one's sex drive is a key prerequisite to being in the military, where 97% of the conversations among straight male enlisted men are certainly not about pussy and the acquisition thereof.

FYI to the G-A-Ys, the vast majority of men and women in our sacred military, however, are not gay, and they’ve got a deadly serious mission to carry out that doesn’t need the added distraction of your desire to strut that you’re gay.

If you need any additional evidence that Doug formed these ideas based on a late night viewing of The Birdcage (or perhaps Boat Trip) and some faded memories of early 1990s news footage of gay pride parades, here it is.

Isn't it possible that this repeal is more about gays not having to, you know, live in fear that their "secret" will be found out? Anyone who can rub two functioning neurons together can see that this is less about "strutting" and more about being left the hell alone. Which seems more plausible: that newly-protected (in the legal sense) gay servicemen are going to run around like coked-up Project Runway contestants painting rainbows on everything and organizing Judy Tenuta nights, or that they're going to breathe a little sigh of relief and carry on as usual?

Matter of fact, I’m a guessin’ that if you don’t chill out on this issue there will be a mass exodus of straight troops from our armed forces.

Regardless of what exactly he means by "chill out on this issue", I am confident that this is the dumbest prediction in the history of the internet. And that's saying something, DG.

Yep, if I were gay and in the service, I wouldn’t be distracting the multitudinous heterosexual troops who are kicking ass abroad or at home because, as stated, with this perennial enemy named Islam, you guys will be the first to be purged from the earth if they ever have it Mohamed’s way.

And that's exactly what they're doing, Doug – thinking of ways to distract The Heteros. Gays are uncontrollable sex fiends whose sole joy in life is to join the Army and whip their cocks out for straight guys. When the Taliban is attacking, 9 guys out of 10 will fight back while the last one dons assless chaps and tries to distract his comrades by offering them reacharounds.

You know what's going to happen now that DADT is repealed, Doug? Nothing. Nothing is going to happen. Nothing is going to change. That is why despite the best efforts "social conservatives" to stem the tide, the gay rights movement is making such rapid progress. For all the stories of child molestation and orgies and homosexual recruitment drives and all of the other Boogeyman stories that Jerry Falwell's kind have been telling for decades, every time gay people are formally "allowed" in some new arena of society nothing happens. Everything goes on exactly as it did before. And eventually sane people realize, "Hey wait a second…nothing happened. Gay teachers are not raping our kids. Gay NFL players are not trying to sodomize their teammates in the showers. Gay cops are not 'distracting' straight cops from doing their jobs. Gay politicians have voting records indistinguishable from their non-gay colleagues."

The world will go on exactly as it did before and some day we will look back with a mixture of bemusement and shame that anyone ever believed all of the shit the Moral Majority claimed that the Homosexual Agenda would do to our country. We will wonder how anyone considered such ridiculous predictions to be plausible, and those of us who lived through it will be at a loss for words.