For reasons that I absolutely do not need to discuss here in any level of detail – but may or may not involve an online dating site, deceptive photos from five years/100 pounds ago, and a bitchy objectivist who smoked menthol cigarettes – I need you to comfort me and bring me cheer by telling me the story of the worst date you have ever been on.

A female friend of mine once went on a blind date on which the guy showed up wearing a cape. Not a costume. He just…wears a cape, I guess.

Who are these people, and where do they come from?