THE AGENDA

Posted in Rants on February 23rd, 2012 by Ed

Don't ask me how – the less said about my methods and sources the better – but I have managed to get ahold of secret internal documents from House Republican caucus detailing the majority's legislative strategy for 2012. Yesterday I wrote about the return of Culture War-type issues due to the recent positive trend in key economic indicators shifting the GOP narrative. That they would attempt to turn the election into a referendum on hot button social issues is unsurprising, but a small, skeptical part of me wonders if a few of these bills they intend to introduce go too far. The tentative name for this set of proposals is "Contract with America Contract USA #1".

1. The Protecting Women's Rights Act, which bans all forms of contraception and replaces it with a four volume set of the collected works of Cotton and Increase Mather (also available as an audiobook).

2. The Reproductive Health Enhancement Act, which would require women to consent to having an Evangelical minister insert his hand into the vagina (up to the wrist, but no further) before receiving an ultrasound or other prenatal screening. This proposal has already been test-marketed in Virginia with much success.

3. The American Science Education Modernization Act, which will enhance American pupils' competitiveness in high tech fields by requiring schools to base science education on the Four Humours. The bill sets a benchmark of matching or exceeding Japanese, Chinese, and Western European test scores in science by 2018.

4. The Strengthening the Separation of Church and State Act, which establishes Protestantism as the official state religion and replaces the Establishment and Free Exercise Clauses with that "Footprints in the Sand" poem.

5. The Victims' Rights Act, which shifts the burden of proof from the state to the victim in cases of rape and child abuse.

6. The American Diplomacy Initiative Act, which places on the roof of every U.S. embassy an enormous set of speakers to play Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" on a loop and a 200-foot bronze statue of a hand with the middle finger extended.

7. The Healthy Bodies, Healthy Democracy Act, which bans the Communist plot known as water fluoridation and replaces the USDA food pyramid with an image of a 10-gallon steel bucket full of bacon, KFC Double Downs, and rich sausage gravy.

8. The Equal Rights for All Americans Act, which replaces civil unions for same-sex couples with indefinite internment in an open prison camp in the Sonoran desert.

9. The Biotechnology Advancement Act, which replaces stem cell research with fervent prayer and a national network of hallways in which Alzheimer's and Parkinson's patients can "walk it off" rather than being a bunch of pussies waiting for the doctor to kiss their boo-boos.

10. The Rebuilding America's Public Schools Act, which replaces funding for education with vouchers (for free pizza at participating Godfather's Pizza locations) and eliminates teachers in favor of marketing videos from prominent PR firms and their largest clients.

It's an ambitious agenda, I'll give Speaker Boehner that much. Can they pass all of this in an election year? More importantly, will they succeed in making this election about issues such as homosexual desert prison camps and state-mandated fisting? The smart money says Yes.