AN ASTONISHING PANORAMA OF THE ENDTIMES

Posted in Quick Hits on August 29th, 2012 by Ed

A word dump on the first evening of the RNC; I would not watch another evening of this parade of the socially maladjusted for all the tea in China so if you're dying for convention talk, this is it. To say that the truth was abused throughout the evening would be an understatement; the apparent theme for the convention is luring the truth into a derelict ice cream truck with promises of candy and then repeatedly touching it in the bathing suit area.

Some highlights:

1. This lineup of speakers was a curious mix of shameless self-promoters and…no, that was it. With the exception of his wife, to whom we shall return momentarily and with great reticence, tonight's speakers barely mentioned Mitt Romney's name. They did so after endless monologues about, Surprise!, themselves and how much they have accomplished. All political figures are narcissists, but this was almost comical.

2. Here is a piece of free and sincere advice to the Romney campaign, albeit one that I'm sure they already (privately) admit: they need to lock Ann Romney in a closet for the rest of the campaign. She is just fucking awful. Again, the rich and privileged are not exactly rare in American politics, but some of them are capable of emotions like empathy. Others (George W. Bush, etc.) have mastered the art of pretending to understand us reg'lar folks or perhaps even to be one of us. Ann Romney can do neither. She is so bad at faking the personality traits she is trying to portray that it's embarrassing to watch. She makes Barbara Bush look like a warm hearted social worker. She is less a person than a caricature of the aloof, distant, pampered, and cluelessly privileged socialite who ends up getting vomited on in low budget comedies. There's not much the campaign can do with someone whose natural tone of voice is "Giving orders to servants".

3. That Chris Christie, he's really something. I can't recall seeing anyone who's quite that good at speaking thousands of words but saying absolutely nothing. He's part meathead fratboy, part Sopranos extra, and part O'Reilly-caliber populist. I suspect I could watch his speech a second time and still remain unable to tell you what point (if any) he was trying to make. Watching a crowd at a political rally react like slobbering dogs to an orator is not unusual, but they were leaping to their feet and applauding stuff that didn't even make sense. Watching someone as repulsive in all aspects of appearance and personality as Christie treated like a charismatic rock star was…unusual.

4. I liked Ted Cruz's speech better the first time I heard it – in German.

5. Whoever the RNC paid to write all of the awful Joe Biden jokes they've been dropping for the past week (and presumably throughout the convention) needs to go back to telling knock-knock jokes at whatever Open Mic Night in Lubbock he came from. The laugh lines in these speeches are terrible even by political standards. The Capitol Steps wouldn't be caught dead with this material.

6. Thank god for the Ron Paul people, the C3-PO of Republican politics – always on the spot to supply comic relief.

Wednesday night is a bunch of B-squad crap followed by Paul Ryan's acceptance speech, but the real excitement is on Thursday when "remarks by Newt and Callista Gingrich" are preceded by a "Reagan Legacy video montage". Must-see TV.