NPF: CAMPAIGN OF THE DAMNED

Posted in No Politics Friday on October 26th, 2012 by Ed

On the Gin and Tacos Facebook page (which you should join even though Facebook is now trying to make us pay them to let you see the things we post) I have a lot of fun with other styles of writing beyond Serious Political Stuff, although there is certainly enough of that too. Many of you are aware that my humor preferences tend toward the absurd. I have been posting these random bits of strangeness for a while, often but not always centered around on fantastical takes on the Romney/Ryan campaign. It has been inspired in no small part by the brilliant twitter account of one Daniel Manitou, as well as my friends Will and Pauline who both excel at this sort of thing. Every time I post one of these bits of surrealism, someone comments that I should collect them all in one place for easy reading. Well, here they are. I'm loosely calling this "Campaign of the Damned" until I concoct a better name.

If you look at this and think something along the lines of, "What in the holy hell is this?" then perhaps this type of humor simply isn't for you. No hard feelings. It's an acquired taste.

10/23/2012
ROMNEY RESPONDS TO A QUESTION ABOUT LIBYA BY PROJECTING A RAINBOW COLORED PARABOLIC ARC OF VOMIT ACROSS THE DESK AND INTO BOB SCHIEFFER’S WAITING MAW. THE FOCUS GROUP LINES JERK UPWARD IN APPROVAL. HE APOLOGIZES IN A CHORUS OF FIVE DISTINCT VOICES EMANATING FROM THE SAME MOUTH. "I ATE RAFALCA," HE SAYS BY WAY OF EXPLANATION. THIS IS THE KIND OF DIMENSIONLESS WRAITH YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BEER WITH.

10/18/2012
SANDRA LEE HANDS YOU HER RECIPE. IT CALLS FOR "STAR ANUS." IT IS NOT A MISPRINT.

10/16/2012
CARL, A SOYBEAN DEHULLER FROM UTICA, ASKS ABOUT TAX CUTS FOR WORKING MOMS. MITT ROMNEY OPENS A PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION ONSTAGE. HIS RAMBLING, FOUR MINUTE ANSWER USES THE WORD "FISTULA" 12 TIMES. HE NEVER EXPLAINS THE PORTAL.

10/13/2012
IS IT FRIDAY OR IS IT SATURDAY? DOES IT EVEN MATTER ANYMORE?
::FLINGS FECES::

10/3/2012
ROMNEY SCANS THE AUDIENCE FOR C.H.U.D.s BEFORE THROWING BACK HIS HEAD, UNHINGING HIS JAW, AND EMITTING A LUNG-SHATTERING WHINE. THE ROOM IS SILENT. HE THRUSTS A FIST SKYWARD AND COMMANDS THE PEOPLE OF EARTH NEVER TO TRUST A BIG BUTT AND A SMILE. JIM LEHRER SHIFTS IMPERCEPTIBLY; "MR. OBAMA. 60 SECONDS FOR YOUR REBUTTAL." HE INHALES DEEPLY THE SMELL OF SINGED HAIR.

9/26/2012
GET UP YOU SONOFABITCH, 'CAUSE MICKEY LOVES YA.

9/24/2012
MITT ROMNEY REFERS TO THE POOR AS "GENETIC DETRITUS" ONSTAGE. THE ENTIRE CAMPAIGN RECEIVES THE TEXT MESSAGE THEY HAVE LONG DREADED: "CREATE DIVERSION." A TOPLESS BAY BUCHANAN UNICYCLES ACROSS THE STAGE; JOHN SUNUNU REACHES INTO A DUFFEL BAG AND WITHDRAWS THE SEVERED HEAD OF DARIUS RUCKER; PAUL RYAN EMERGES IN BLACKFACE AND BEGINS A MINSTREL SHOW. THE CROWD QUIETLY ENVIES THE DEAD.

9/18/2012
SECRET FUND RAISER VIDEO REVEALS MITT ROMNEY RELEASING AN EGG SAC FROM HIS CLOACA AS ANN SHOUTS "PUT ON SOME CLOWN MAKEUP AND FUNNY FUCK ME" TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

9/12/2012
YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO: *DEATH*. TO APPEAL YOUR SENTENCE OF *DEATH*, PRESS OR SAY "ONE". TO ACCEPT YOUR SENTENCE, PRESS OR SAY "SURRENDER." TO LEARN ABOUT EXCITING OFFERS ON VACATION PROPERTIES, REMAIN ON THE LINE OR MASH THE KEYPAD AGAINST YOUR FOREHEAD. TO HEAR THESE OPTIONS AGAIN, INSERT THE CRAB KNIFE FROM YOUR SEAFOOD PREPARATION KIT INTO YOUR ABDOMEN NOW.

8/28/2012
A NUDE OCTOGENARIAN SPLAYS HERSELF ACROSS THE HOOD. A MAN IN A CATTLE SKULL AND LOINCLOTH POINTS HIS DOWSING ROD MENACINGLY. DRUIDS CIRCLE YOUR CAR CHANTING "REINCE PRIEBUS, REINCE PRIEBUS" WHILE SELF-FLAGELLATING. YOU CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER IF YOU ARE AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION OR BURNING MAN.

8/16/2012
YOU ARE LED INTO A DANK GYMNASIUM. THE ROOM IS EMPTY BUT FOR YOU AND ANN ROMNEY'S DRESSAGE HORSE. YOU EXCHANGE KNOWING GLANCES. IT BEGINS ITS SURREAL HORSE BALLET. BETWEEN MOVEMENTS YOU COULD SWEAR IT MOUTHS "HELP ME." THIS IS NOT THE BIRTHDAY GIFT YOU WANTED; IT IS THE ONE YOU DESERVED.

7/30/2012
CELEBRITYBLUMPKIN.ORG RECEIVES ITS TEN MILLIONTH VISITOR. YOU WERE WISE TO REGISTER THE DOMAIN. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF ALL YOU SURVEY. IN THE DISTANCE YOU HEAR THE MOURNFUL CRY OF THE LOON.

7/23/2012
INFORMATION SUPREMACY IS THE HOT NEW LOOK FOR THE FALL. GREAT DEALS FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. ENTER YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND A LIST OF YOUR FEARS.

7/13/2012
YOU SIT ALONE IN YOUR APARTMENT LISTLESSLY PERUSING MITT ROMNEY'S WEBSITE. A BUTTON ENCOURAGES YOU TO DONATE TODAY. YOU CLICK IT. YOUR COMPUTER BEGINS TO EMIT AN OMINOUS SOUND AND ODOR. CHILDREN OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW BEGIN WALKING ON ALL FOURS. THE DOG STARES AT YOU. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CLICK THAT BUTTON.

5/18/2012
TEN ASSHOLES FOUND ASSHOLES THEY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH USING ASSHOLE FINDER. FIND YOUR ASSHOLES NOW.

4/24/2012
THE SKELETON IS COATED WITH A THIN LAYER OF SPACE-AGE LUBRICANTS. EACH SLIMY, OFF-PINK CADAVER MUSCLE IS CAREFULLY STAPLED INTO PLACE – THEY LOOK AND SMELL LIKE PUTREFYING TUNA. TECHNICIANS CHECK EACH SERVO-ACTIVATOR ONE LAST TIME. THEY FIND NO FAULTS. THE MOURNFUL CALL OF AN ALPENHORN SUMMONS THE DWARF LABORERS. IT IS TIME.

ANN ROMNEY IS READY TO BE REINSERTED INTO HER SKIN.

3/31/2012
THE NATION WAITS PENSIVELY FOR THE LOTTERY WINNER TO COME FORWARD. CHILDREN GATHER STONES.

2/17/2012
THE SANTORUMS ENJOY A LOVELY VALENTINE'S DINNER. RICK SLOWLY REALIZES THAT THE WAITER IS A GAY. THE MOON ABRUPTLY SHIFTS TO A RETROGRADE ORBIT. THE CRUST SPLITS BENEATH HIS FEET. SATAN EMERGES, URGING YOU TO TRY THE MEATLOAF. IT SMELLS OF JACKFRUIT AND BURNING TIRES. YOU HAVE NEVER TASTED ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT.

You know, it didn't strike me that I might be a crazy person until I saw them all in one place.