The National Football League is investigating claims by multiple players that individual teams asked question about their sexual orientation at the annual Scouting Combine (an event in which college players hoping to enter the NFL are interviewed, tested, and medically evaluated). Nick Kasa of Colorado stated that some teams asked questions like "Do you like girls?" in violation of the CBA and Federal labor law. Other players, including Michigan's Denard "Shoelace" Robinson, seconded his claims, so it is safe to say that this is not a pure fabrication.

The NFL needs to be more sensitive to these issues, especially since asking questions of this type is illegal. At the same time, teams clearly need to know. That's why I'm contracting with the NFL to use a test I've developed – the Male Athlete Narrative Homosexual Orientation: Logotherapy Enhanced (MAN HOLE) – to uncover a player's sexual preferences with subtle, legal questions. The MAN HOLE test has been used effectively by organizations like Oral Roberts University and the U.S. Men's Ice Dancing Team to ensure the heterosexuality of all participating athletes. While the exam and process are proprietary and available in full only to paying clients, here are some sample questions on the NFL version:

  • 1. Bears are found in:
    A. Chicago, at Soldier Field
    B. Alaska
    C. The woods
    D. Certain bars in Flatbush

  • 2. After practice, I am usually:
    A. Studying film of my opponents
    B. In the weight room
    C. Loitering near the showers
    D. Being worked on by the medical staff

  • 3. On gameday, I like to imagine myself:
    A. Catching the winning touchdown
    B. Blocking for my teammates
    C. Leading the team and calling the plays
    D. At the bottom of a pile of writhing men

  • 4. I get pumped up for games with:
    A. Slayer
    B. Jay-Z
    C. Brooks & Dunn
    D. Pet Shop Boys

  • 5. My dream date is:
    A. My wife / girlfriend
    B. Beyonce
    C. Eva Longoria
    D. Jason Statham

  • 6. My typical breakfast consists of:
    A. Oatmeal and fruit
    B. Eggs and bacon
    C. Protein shakes and bars
    D. Hot, throbbing cocks

    (C) GIN AND TACOS 2013