FASHIONABLY READY

Posted in Rants on August 25th, 2014 by Ed

It's a conundrum inherent to being a Responsible Gun Owner. Safety dictates that one's firearms should not be left scattered about loaded and ready for use, but you just never know when you'll need a gun right the hell now. After all, the whole point of having enough guns for a small army and carrying them on one's person is to be ready the instant someone or something needs to be taught a lesson in freedom. How, then, does the responsible gun owner reconcile the need for immediate, ready access with the obvious danger in leaving guns strewn about?

It's pretty easy, pinko. Just buy furniture explicitly designed to conceal firearms.

It locks; Responsible!

It locks. Responsible!

The loyal Americans at New Jersey Concealment Furniture combine a classic Shaker aesthetic with…hidden compartments for guns. Something tells me the Shakers didn't hide many guns around the house, but that's not important right now. What's important is that you hide guns all around your house. So you're never more than a few feet from a gun when al Qaeda / Thugs / the IRS / Janet Reno leaps out of your closet to attack.

nightstand

clock

coatrack

There is also a full sized wardrobe/hutch large enough to fit a total of six rifles or shotguns. For when you're standing in the foyer of your three bedroom colonial in Orland Park, IL and you need six rifles or shotguns. Oh, and if this needed to be said, the clock is available with the 2nd Amendment written on it as an alternative to the Bald Eagle pictured here.

Obviously.

STOCK TAKING

Posted in Quick Hits on August 25th, 2014 by Ed

The older I get, the less satisfied I am with the decisions I've made in life. Despite being gainfully employed and not universally considered a terrible person by those who know me, I can't shake the feeling that I could have turned out a lot better than I did.

Then I see people rallying in the streets to support a white cop who shot an unarmed black teen under still-mysterious circumstances and I feel better. At least I didn't turn out like them. See? It could always be worse. I could be holding up a "We are all Darren Wilson" sign in Ferguson right now or I could be donating money to him along with some choice racist words of wisdom. Maybe I haven't succeeded at anything in life, but at least I don't have thoughts like, "Isn't it time somebody finally stood up for the white power structure?" and then act on those thoughts to let The Man know that I am a good, reliable, authority-worshiping bootlicker who can be counted on to defend that which actively screws us all. At least I'm not a mulleted, scowl-faced piece of white trash hiding virulent racism behind the facade of "support" for someone who has been on paid vacation for two weeks and has the support of every single institution of our society from law enforcement to the media to the courts to (white) public opinion. At least I'm not plastering the internet with excuse after excuse for a white cop shooting an unarmed black teen six times even though it benefits me not one bit to do so other than to reinforce the social order that allows cracker assholes like me to kill black males with impunity because, you know, they're scary and shit.

Cop Bingo

If you want some insight into the mindset that produces this kind of quasi-fascist sucking up among white people who loathe the government with every fiber of their being yet will defend the police to the death, refresh yourself on Adorno's classic The Authoritarian Personality or, for a slightly more recent take, Bob Altemeyer's work on authoritarian followers (and how they can be simultaneously so submissive and aggressive) and Right Wing Authoritarianism is always worth a read. These provide interesting looks into the minds ("minds") of people who want to secede from the United States because Congress passed a health care law but rally to the defense of a cop for actively killing an unarmed citizen.

If we didn't have these deeply unwell people among us we might have to invent them for our amusement.