January 08, 2004
Competetive Mustache Growth
It is now the beginning of april, and the competetive mustache growth season is about to be in full swing. Although it has been many years since I have competed in an actual sporting event, I am this year going to be a veteran mustache competition competetor.
See The Competition Here!
This preformance last year got me to the semi-finals winning me a can of chicken (yes there is canned chicken) and a disposable razor. Hopefully I can outdo myself and present a figure of unequaled dirtiness. (Any suggestions are welcome)
For ginandtacos viewer enjoyment, I am going to present a diary of me seeking the goal of mustache man 2004.
Jump to a day:
|April 10 |April 11 |April 13 |April 16 |April 22 |April 25 |April 26 |
But first:
A bit of history
 | Throughout history, the growth of hair on the upper lip of a man has signified his entrance into the prestigious ranks of the dignified elite. However, in modern times the mustache has fallen from grace. Although it would seem perfectly natural for a man over the age of 40 to have a fine growth of lip hair, for those of us younger there is really no excuse. In our generation the mustache is only prominently displayed by homosexuals, nascar/ WWF fans, child molesters, and non-american computer science and physics students. Much like the ever-curious mullet, the mustache seems to transcend traditional cultural barriers to exist in many forms for many people. It is nearly impossible to define as a single entity in any context other than the disgust it invokes.
To wear it with pride places you into a unique category of person who either seems to care little about what those around you think, or are truly clueless about the image you are portraying. Often I am inclined to think it is the later. I am reminded of one particular, absurd, waxed mustache I saw at a Man or Astroman concert. This creepy fellow was so insanely proud of his preposterous growth that he seemed completely unaware of the fact that he was serving as a large joke for my friends and me. In fact, he took the comment, "That has to be fake....right," as a compliment to his growth ability and continued to sit with us for several hours despite several table moves. In retrospect we should have probably been more blunt with the clueless individual. --"Excuse me sir, your facial hair makes you look like an Irish boxer circa 1890 who engages in perverse sexual practices, possibly with kittens or sheep."-- |
| Tom Selleck for example. Mr. Selleck's portrayal of Magnum PI was integral in making this television show one of the greatest crime dramas of all time. Tom Selleck's mustache was integral to this role. Sure he had the Ferrari, the Hawaiian shirts, the chest hair, the frequent Vietnam War flashbacks, but it was really the prominently displayed mustache that made the character. |  |
 | When McKinley was assassinated; Theodore Roosevelt became the 26th president of the United States in 1901. Although leaving behind him one of the most shameless legacies of American Imperialism, damn he sported that mustache well. It basically jumps off his face. It tells the casual observer that yes, he has in fact hunted large game in Africa, and yes, he does have the head of exotic animals he has killed mounted on his walls. |
| Hero of pseudo-intellectual prostitutes worldwide Friedrich Nietzsche sported one of the most powerful and awe inspiring mustaches the philosophical world ever encountered. It is conceivable that it was this prolific upper-lip growth that caused generations of fucking tools that quote philosophy in coffee shops in an attempt to get laid to overlook Nietzsche's "advice your mom would give you before your first day of kindergarten" philosophy and closet fascism. This was truly one of the mustaches finest hours. |  |
So now, you might wonder why, with my obvious high regard for mustaches, that I am growing one once again. The answer is quite simple, honor....and possibly a case of beer. In other words, I am once again crossing into the underground, fast-paced world of competetive mustache growth. Here are the rules of the game. On the 5th of April I had to show up at the bar with a clean shaven upper lip. On the twenty-sixth of April I will need to once again show my face at the bar, hopefully with a powerful mustache. (One can only hope) My goal is to present you, my three avid readers, with up to date information on how the contest is progressing.
Well, the contest started on monday evening, and it is now very late on friday or very early saturday depending on how you look at it. I could present some elaborate story as to why I didn't start this diary until 5 days into the contest, but really the truth is that I had no digital camera until today. I suppose I could have documented my upper lip hair in text, but there really seems to be no point. Further, this is really the first point after I was clean shaven where I have exceeded normal bounds of shaving etiquette. I am beginning to look more than a little bit swarthy, and am feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. Typically I like to fancy myself to be fairly clean. I guess I will have to get over that....
Presented for your approval are two mustache comeptition competetors I found this evening while drinking.
 | Mike Rieger.
This year Mike is a new comer to the competition, but already you will notice that his mustache seems to be progressing quite nicely. He has the distinct advantage of having dark mustache hair. This he ascribed to his "Latin lineage" The rest of us pale northern Europeans are going to have to play catch up. Our naturally blond upper lips create a much less profound impact. This is not to say that northern Europeans don't grow mustaches, but rather that it takes them many long painful years to obtain a full one. |  |
 | Mark Newton
Mark shows some signs of the blond stache, however he does not suffer from it nearly to the degree that I do. It is also important to not that Mark is also going for the ever popular, "beard then mustache" approach. This can be due to a variety of factors, however typically can be traced directly back to either having a job/ girlfriend. For whatever reason neither of these look too kindly on the mustache variety of facial hair. Mark is a past competitor, I know from experience that he can grow some thick facial hair and will be one to watch this year. |  |
Now I am feeling pretty dirty about this facial hair at the moment. I decided that the only possible recourse that I have is to drink Old Style and express my hatred for various local bands. Suprisingly it made me feel quite a bit better about myself.
As one can probably tell from this photo, I was succeeding marvelously at the tasks I set before myself. Well, the drinking of Old Style was going fairly well at least.
This of course says nothing to the growth of my mustache. For this, I present this evidence.
I know it doesn't look like much now, however it really is reassuring to me that when digitally zoomed in my mustache actually seems to be present. For the moment I am happy about this.
I will write more about this when I have some more pictures and more to write. Currently I have two weeks and two days to get this mustache to grow in.
This weekend was a bit insignificant as far as mustache growth was concerned. Due to my impending birthday and Easter I was at my parents house. Due to the fact that they were taking me to a fairly expensive dinner and I well....looked like a trucker who had been on the road for 5 days without enough amphetamines. Good times, anyway, I decided before going that I should clean up the neck and such making it look like I was actually trying to grow a proper beard.
Much to my suprise for nearly 24 hours of being at my parents house they did not comment on my beard. This probably indicates that.... "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all"...
The other intriguing implication is that I apparently did a good enough job shaping my beard growth that they beleived that I was honestly growing one...I guess that is good.
As a side note, I am getting a bit frustrated by the ever increasing itch present on my face. This whole facial hair thing is not that much fun. So I crafted a calendar on the chalkboard in my apartment. It made me feel a bit better about myself.
My beard is really beginning to get on my nerves. It is itching horribly and I am beginning to look like an unemployed derelict. However, I can't really complain too much. I suppose that I knew this was going to happen. To my credit another man told me that I looked stunning this evening....I suppose I should be thrilled
I am not going show any pictures of myself this evening. I don't think there have been any serious mustache developements as far as I am concerned. I trimmed up the neck on the beard again, but these things are not really important.
However, I did catch up with this competitor this evening.
 | Barney is an exceptionally dedicated mustache competition competitor. It is possible that the competition was partially his idea. To evidence his commitment, I am fairly certain he is the only person to ever invite his mother to come and watch him compete. Unfortunately, last year he was disqualified for illegally applying mascara to his mustache hair in an attempt to thicken it.
As a side note, it would seem that someone decided to make profane hand gestures in front of my camera as I was taking the photo. This obscured half of Barney's mustache, hopefully you will be able to look at the visable half and get the picture. |  |
Halfway There!
Last night was my 25th birthday. For reasons beyond my comprehension, every one of my birthdays seem to turn into some kind of drunken debacle you would expect from someone turning 21. Oh well, I guess this should just be chalked up to the life that I lead.
The obvious implications of my celebrating my birthday are
- I am have a raging beast of a hangover today
- Many good photos were taken last night
Lets start with some updates on some individuals I have displayed here before.
 | Mike Rieger.
Mike's mustache seems to be progressing nicely. Its fullness is nearly outweighed by its darkness. I feel that if he has the right stuff on stage he is going to be a serious contender this year, quite possibly a finalist or even Mr. Mustache 2004. Mike seems to be sporting a bit of a thin goatee thing on his face. The subject came up last night as to whether or not you can out-grow the goatee. I think the conversation was pointless since it is obvious that Mike's latin heritage gives him a whole different set of rules for acceptable facial hair growth. |  |
 | Mark Newton
Mark is showing a very powerful beard at this stage in the game. The close up image of him is zoomed out a bit so that you can take in the full "grizzled" nature of his face. On the whole it looks like he will have substantial upper lip growth when the beard is removed. I am interested to see if he is going to adopt a similar mustache persona this year to last year (marlboro man) when in a true stroke of injustice he was eliminated in the first round. |  |
 | Moose/ Barney
To begin with, that was me that is cropped out of the picture. I did not want my beard takings ones concentration away from Barney's stache. It is at this point that I give Barney his propers for being one of the few competitors that has the nerve to remove all facial hair aside from the mustache. That said, I am getting a bit worried. It is low resolution, but the closeup of Barney's upper lip would indicate very little, or very light colored growth. Hopefully things turn around for him before the competition. |  |
As for me, I had what is commonly referred to as "too good of a time" last night. I basically knew that it was all over when Tim Johnson handed me a glass of clear liquid that I promptly consumed. He looked a bit shocked and informed me it was the three wise men...I basically knew that it was going to go horribly wrong very very quickly from that point. Everything started out inocently enough.
I began my birthday at home. I tried to put on some nice cloths and cleaned myself up. This made me feel a bit better about the shady hair on my face. Unfortunately It has begun to itch horribly. This discomfort is a constant reminder to me that I am not a reputable clean shaven individual. (see attached figure)
I can only assume that all this itching is the result of truely prolific facial hair growth. However, it is not in my nature as a scientist to assume. On close examination it is clear that my mustache is coming in quite well. I am getting a bit nervous that it is coming in too light and not be as impressive as it could be. For this I am just going to have to wait and see.
As a final note, by the end of the evening I seemed quite proud of myself.
Very, very quickly after this picture was taking it began to sink in what I had done to myself. I was then a bit more frightened than proud.
So, it is now April twenty-second. It has been since the day after my birthday that I last showed any progression in my beard growth. It has been a tough 6 days for beard growth. To put it simply, I have been tired and busy for the last several days. I could lie and say that it has been something more interesting that has kept me from updating, but it really isn't.
As can easily be read from the board behind me, there are only 4 more days until the competition. This means a couple things. First of all, I really need to get serious about getting a costume together. I don't want to put this off until the last minute and end up not being the best mustachioed man I can be. Second, I have precious little time for this to grow in any more.
The intense itching that I reported on the 16th has somewhat subsided. However, don't be fooled it certain still itches. In fact it was so horrible that I feel like I have removed a layer of skin underneath my beard scratching it. I have been getting so excited about shaving it off that last night a purchased a wide variety of balms and oils to make the experience as pleasant as possible. While purchasing these products probably dooms me to unflinching metrosexualdom, I am sure it will be worth it.
Lets get down to specifics. This is how the beard is looking today
It is getting fairly full. I am beginning to fear that people are now thinking me as that guy with the beard. As in: "Could you tell that guy with the beard to come over here." or, "who is Erik?" "Oh, he's the guy over there with the beard." I have also been told that it has red patches...I don't know about this I have not seen it myself but people seem to be sure about this. You know, this is all fantastic, but most of this will be shaved off on the 26th. The mustache is what is truly important.
The fear I have right now is that this mustache is going to stay too light and too thin to be effective. It really is quite thin, the flash from the camera I think is making it seem a bit fuller.
I can only hope I can pull it off.
It is a quiet, overcast afternoon in Champaign, IL. Mustache competition competitors all around the city are sat about comtemplating the events of tomorrow afternoon. It is now a little more than 24 hours until many a mustache takes the stage and aside from gathering costume elements together, there is not much left to do. It is safe to say that we have as much mustache as we are going to grow. We can only hope that the application of waxes and appropriate shaving will carry us through the day.
That said, lets see how the mustaches are taking shape at this late hour.
Mark and I were out at a Menthol show last night, letting pictures be taken of both of us. Trust me, I really was not as drunk as I seem in these photos. I am honestly not sure why I look so wasted in all of them. Oh well, I guess I was just not having a photogenic night.
I think that it has gotten to the point where closeups of the mustache are somewhat irrelevant. They are clearly there, and clearly visible. Let me point out that Mark has shaved a somewhat unique design into his face. This design is not all together different than his competition mustache last year. It will be interesting to see what form it takes tomorrow.
I however have not touched my beard since I last updated. After ordering the balms and oils I have decided to not let a razor touch my face until I have them. Consequently, FedEx tracking of the package claims it left the ramp in Indianapolis, IN at 6:28 AM on the 24th. This probably means that since about 8:00 am Saturday the package has been about two miles from my house. However, those bastards at FedEx require extra money to bring a package to your house on the weekend. Oh well, I will have it by monday.
Let me point out one more thing. I got a hair cut yesterday. I actually tried to call and shift my appointment to next week sometime. Basically my fear was that if I went in to get my hair cut with a beard, I would get a bearded man's haircut. (no, I have no idea if this is logical or not, but that is what I was thinking) The moral, if there is any moral, is that the woman that cuts my hair refused to let me move the appointment. When I told her the reason she informed me that if she didn't get to see my beard that she couldn't be held responsible for what happened to my hair. (I am not sure if that was the exact phrasing, but the sentiment was there)
Mike and Molly's mustache competition supporters Amy Couch and Valerie Deisinger (left to right) indicate their approval of the competition by pointing out their mustaches and more importantly by not breaking up with Mark and me (respectively) for spending the last three weeks growing mustaches.
This is truely disconcerting. This is a photograph of Mike Murphy, they owner of Mike and Molly's. The man's mustache is truely impressive. Lucky for all of us competing, I hear tale that the fact that he owns the joint precludes him from winning.
Well.....thats all for now, and probably the last update until after the competition. Wish me luck.
I have decided to give the actual night of the competition its own page.
Look Here If You Dare!
For all your mustache related needs, visit
the website
Little Bitch Gallery
Your Boss
Littlebitchness: 10
Sightings: Offices
Quotes: "Yeah, I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday."
Notes: The only little bitch you need fear, since he does hold power over you. Best bet is to dodge him at every turn (long lunches, early dismissals, frequent bathroom breaks). Remember, in most cases, he too has a boss, so go over his head and get his ass in trouble any chance you get.
Male Models
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: Parties, Gap Commericals, Magazine Ads
Quotes: "Hmmm, which picture do you think I better in?" "Hey you want to come over and check out my new haircut?"
Notes: There are a couple things you have to understand about the male model. First he is almost categorically exceptionally stupid. Second he has deluded himself into thinking that everyone worships him. This is a dangerous combination. Essentially it means that there is little to no chance you are going to get him to stop being a little bitch. In fact, it often means that even but the most biting insults will be construed as compliments and worship by this little bitch.
Since this little bitch will under no circumstances think that the person talking to him does not think he is god's gift to earth, your best bet is to start off by telling him "things you have heard people saying about him." For example, "I heard some people talking about how outdated your frosted tips look" or "did you know some people have said that you were fat in high school."
Now you have endeared yourself to the little bitch, it is time to move in for the kill. Since you will never be able to convince him that you don't like him, just try to annoy him. Your bet bet is to make disparaging comments about his taste in cloths. Start with, "I hope you didn't pay more than 15 dollars for that shirt." (it was no doubt several hundred and straight out of the maxim fashion section) Reply with: "Oh jesus (contrived shock) well, I don't know I guess some people go in for that type of thing." (he will no doubt be confused and attempting to reconcile this with his world view. Now deliver the final blow by impling that you know something he doesn't about cloths that simultaneously insults him again. Try: "You know if you like that shirt, I think they have a lot just like it at Sears."
Guys who Are Sad in Front of Women
Littlebitchness: 8
Sightings: Anywhere there are girls present, especially girls by themselves.
Quotes: "She says that I should try to see other people" "It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she's going through a rough time right now and doesn't want to see anybody." "Girls always want to date pricks, why can't they like nice guys."
Notes: I know in your heart, your first instinct is to take pity on these pathetic creatures. We have all been down on our luck with women before. However, this is most certainly not the proper recourse. In fairness their pathetic nature is probably designed not only to get pity sex from women but to get you to be friends with him. Do not fall into this trap! If you do, you will be at his apartment listening to Dashboard Confessionals albums before you know it.
There are two ways to defeat this little bitch. The first is to confront him head on. Explain to him that women want nothing to do with him because he is an amazingly little tiny bitch. This will not cause him to not be a little bitch, but it will result in him moving on to someone who will listen to him whine endlessly about that girl in his math class that looked at him once. The second and far more subtle defense is to pawn him off on the nearest "little bitch who defines his life by the books he claims to have read." These little bitches are always looking for worshipers, and the "sad around women" little bitch serves this purpose perfectly.
Guys trying to hit on women too hard
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: Bars, Frat Row
Quotes: "Hey, hey, introduce me to her." "You want a cigarette?" "Yeah so my name's blah blah blah, and blah blah blah blah blah...."
Notes: Watching these guys for an evening can be a very depressing event. To see a man continously be turned down by every woman he hits on, each more dowdy than the last, can make a person sick to their stomach. However, do not fear, you look nothing like this man when you hit on women. If you are a girl reading this page, your best bet is to completely ignore these guys. Don't ask them for cigarettes, don't give them any attention in any way.
One of the easiest ways to spot this man is if he is wearing a dragon shirt. Erik Martin tells the legend of the men who wears dragon shirts - these are normal-to-slightly-below-normal guys who got girlfriends somehow. Suddenly, he somehow gets himself a girlfriend. After a few months of regular sex and going out, he feels confident about himself. Too confident unfortunately, and decides that he can do better than his current girlfriend. So he dumps her and heads out to the clubs. There he realizes that his confidence was overstated and women ignore him as before.
Desperate to impress women he runs out and buys a dumb shirt, usually with a dragon on it. Be warned.
Guy Who Will Only Drink Girl Drinks
Littlebitchness: 7
Sightings: Small parties, gatherings
Quotes: "It's too bad that the waitress couldn't get us that pitcher of Amaretto Sour" - Actual quote overheard from employees at G-Mart Comic Shop, Champaign, Il.
Comic Book Guy
Littlebitchness: 6
Sightings: Comic book stores, toy stores, Conventions
Quotes: "Rogue is extremely more attractive than Witchblade, especially during the Jim Lee run on X-Men." "This is not a library, you may not just read the comics."
Notes: While they seem harmless, few men in their 20s/30s are more hate-filled and bitter towards humanity than the Comic Book Guy. Memorizing huge amounts of trivia inbetween masturbating to BattleChaser comics, they will never miss an opportunity to try to make you feel dumb for not knowing as much about military history, comic-book crossovers, Japanese swords, and whatever else they've read. Easiest solution: Ask them the last time they went on a date. Works every time......
That Guy who defines his life by the books he claims to have read
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: coffeehouses, classrooms, friendster-profiles.
Quotes: "It's extremely maudlin of you to say all that." "I am a philosophy/literature major." "I should know, because my brother is named after Stephen Dedalus." "You know, Nietzsche and Marx had a lot of the same ideas."
Notes: I sometimes wonder what would happen if Friedrich Nietzsche was to rise from the grave this very instance. What do you think he would be more upset by: His sister re-editing his journals and throwing fascist statements everywhere? The Nazis hijacking his message in an attempt for world domination and ethic genocide? Or the number of sad, sophomore-level philosophy majors mis-quoting him in an attempt to get laid by girls in coffeehouses?
Considering the little-bitchness of the third example (also considering the man was a closeted fascist if there every was one) ginandtacos.com guess is the last. Hence this category. The problem is usually a problem of perception. We have nothing against philosophy majors per se (one of the ginandtacos.com editors was a philosophy major until the bitter end), and druken philosophical debate is fine and good. The problem occurs when these people don't realize that nobody is interested in what they are talking about. You get the sense that these people think that they are doing you a favor by lecturing to you about something random and then acting surprised when you don't know (or care) about it.
Guy who tries and dances wilds at the indie rock show.
Littlebitchness: 8
Sightings: Concerts
Quotes: "Whoo-hooo!"
Notes: Listen. You don't have any rhythm. That's ok. Being white and into indie-rock places you into the remedial level of being able to dance. And the fact that you can't dance worth crap means you'll like the stylings indie-rock (the obvious "which came first" debate will be saved for another day). The problem is when you try and "bust a move" during the show you are attending. You should be smarter than this. The venue is too small, and smoke filled. You think by rushing into people and jumping high enough you'll get people to join in. The only "joining in" that will happen is the ass-kicking you'll recieve outside the venue. Just stop.
Guys trying to hit on women too hard
Littlebitchness: 9
Sightings: Bars, Frat Row
Quotes: "Hey, hey, introduce me to her." "You want a cigarette?" "That's funny you mention that because I was just in India - hold on let me draw you a map on this napkin"
Notes: Watching these guys for an evening can be a very depressing event. To see a man continously be turned down by every woman he hits on, each more dowdy than the last, can make a person sick to their stomach. However, do not fear, you look nothing like this man when you hit on women. If you are a girl reading this page, your best bet is to completely ignore these guys. Don't ask them for cigarettes, don't give them any attention in any way.
One of the easiest ways to spot this man is noticing if he is wearing a dragon shirt. Erik Martin tells the legend of the men who wears dragon shirts - these are normal-to-slightly-below-normal guys who got girlfriends somehow. Suddenly, he somehow gets himself a girlfriend. After a few months of regular sex and going out, he feels confident about himself. Too confident unfortunately, and decides that he can do better than his current girlfriend. So he dumps her and heads out to the clubs. There he realizes that his confidence was overstated and women ignore him as before.
Desperate to impress women he runs out and buys a dumb shirt intended to impress the women, They usually have a dragon on it.
January 07, 2004
Drinking Games
We all love drinking. Drinking is almost always fun. It takes a lot to make it boring. However, sometimes you find yourself with nothing better to do than sit on the couch and watch Dude, Where's My Car? while throwing back some Boone's Wine. As hard as this may be to believe sitting around on the couch can get old after a while. Invariably, someone (usually a semi-literate ex-sorority type of very marginal intelligence) will say, "Let's play drinking games!"
Be very afraid at this point, for The Man has entered the room. Without a doubt, people will begin suggesting the standard numb-nuts drinking games: the "Asshole" card game, watching a movie and drinking every time someone swears, etc etc.
The Man invented these games. Unless you are The Man's little prison bitch, you will not partake. What you will do instead is realize that, as usual, Ginandtacos.com is here to save you. Select from the following list of hardcore drinking games invented by the authors and you are sure to be the hit of the party. Or, failing that, you will hit everyone at the party. One of the two.
You've all heard of 'spin the bottle.' Name the Bottle is its drunken creepy uncle. And the only kissing it involves is with your lips on a bottle of gin. Here's how you play:
You know what the problem with 'Asshole' and all those other standard games is? You hardly get drunk at all. Such games are for total pussies. Playing 'Asshole' with a Miller Lite means that in an hour you're probably going to ingest a whole 1/4 ounce of alcohol. Oh wow, you're so hardcore. Bitch. If you're really hardcore and not a poser, you'll forget Asshole and start playing Shut Up and Drink the Gin.
it is, he/she must do a shot of gin.
Trust us on this one. It may sound a little snotty and pretentious, but it's fun for more than just philosophy majors. Only illiterate fucks who think the Chicago Sun-Times is intellectually stimulating will refuse to play and discover this game's hardcoreness.
You may be thinking that this game sounds pretty lame. But if you have ever read Kant, you are fully aware that the man had a physical disorder that prevented him from writing a paragraph without using the phrase "a priori" at least twice. Everyone will be bombed after one chapter. And hey, your stupid ass might actually learn something.
Drinking Scale
The Ginandtacos.com Intoxication Scale
We at Ginandtacos.com encourage you to drink heavily and as often as possible. However, we understand the potentially undersirable state of intoxication that drinking usually leads to. Want to stay sober? Not sure if you're drunk or not? Considering driving but not sure if you're able? Consult the following scale to measure your level of shitfacedness.
Level 1- Self-esteem building. Pants still on. Voice still at normal volume. Sentences coherent. Food staying down. You're as sober as the Fundamentalist Christian kids down the hall. You're fine. Get in the car and drive, you pansy.
Level 2- Feeling warm. A teensy-bit buzzed. Laughing a little louder than usual. You're not drunk, but you're on the path.
Level 3- Dancing freely and openly. Everything tastes good. Talking very loudly. Your own jokes make you laugh as though you invented the concept of comedy. Still in control of your faculties, but don't get in a car, numbnuts, because you're officially drunk.
Level 4- Slurring like a retard. Drinking stuff you wouldn't normally touch. Obese, slovenly members of the opposite sex are starting to look reeeaaall good to you. Bury your keys at this point, you lush.
Level 5- Almost totally gone. If you're male, you're in a fight. If you're female, you're calling someone a slut or whore. Standing and walking require intense concentration. You will feel like death warmed over tomorrow morning.
Level 6- Gone. Trashed. Vomiting copiously. Vocal expression reduced to mumbling. Walking no longer an option. Nothing you say to anyone makes any sense. Fortunately, you won't remember any of it.
Level 7- Slow down there, Boris. Beyond gone. Telling everyone in room that you love them. Frequent crude passes at members of opposite sex. Pants off. Passing out is imminent. Will have no memory of this evening whatsoever.
Level 8- Whoa. Total loss of inhibition and control. If you can still move, you're probably fucking an appliance or something inanimate. Heroic vomiting, mostly stomach acid or painful dry heaves. If your friends liked you, they'd take you home or put you to bed at this point.
Level 9- Danger zone. Fall asleep on stomach, not back, to prevent dying like Hendrix. Awake but hazy. Pissing and/or shitting in pants. Mind, mouth, and memory cease functioning. Will pass out any second, thankfully.
Level 10- Jesus Harold Christ. Death imminent. Call priest, rabbi, and doctor. Make out last will and testament on napkin with lipstick. Body expelling fluids every way it knows how. Are you proud of yourself? Were those last 6 shots of gin worth it? Damn straight they were. You are one hardcore motherfucker. You are also going to be one sick motherfucker when you wake up. 16 hours from now. And introduce yourself to the person you slept with. And wonder where the hell you are.
Gin Reviews
As a public service, we here at Ginandtacos.com have undertaken the arduous, self-sacrificing process of taste-testing nearly every gin on the American market. This list evaluates just about every gin you will ever encounter, except bathtub brews or the ones our broke asses could never hope to afford. In those cases, just assume that the shit is really good; at $50 a bottle, it better be. All estimated prices are based on fifths and vary wildly depending on location. We suggest liquor stores with bullet holes in the windows and a refrigerated Sisqo display. Those are usually pretty cheap. All reviews have an image of a person most likely to be found drinking said gin.
January 05, 2004
Authors
 | Name: Ed Occupation: eBay Pirate Location: Indiana Contributions: Writer, editor, proofreader, Thomas Cooley Law Graduate Attorney Main Areas: Music, alcohol-related content, legal hoo-hah, miscellaneous ranting Super Powers: The Loop to O'Hare in 40 minutes. During rush hour, bitch. Favorite Gin: Hendricks Favorite Taco: El Famous Burrito steak taco Prized Posession: vintage Fender Blender, Harmonic Percolator If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Mama's boy Otis, one of a kind. While Intoxicated, He Once: Peed around Erik's head as Erik was vomiting in Mike's toilet. Franz Kafka tattoos: 1. Quotes: "Look, the key to burning your car for insurance money is to leave a lot of copies of La Raza on the floor so the cops can assume Latino gang-bangers did it, and pee in the backseat so it smells like a homeless guy lived in it." "See, what happened was......" "Watching the draft on ESPN as opposed to attending it is the equivalent of experiencing a safari on the Discovery Channel" |
 | Name: Erik Occupation: Graduate Student. Location: Champaign, Illinois Contributions: Master of Fonts, programming, writing. Main Areas: Music, philosophy, rants, alcohol. Super Powers: The Ability to channel the sprit of Winston Churchill while drinking Old Style and whiskey. Favorite Gin: Sir Robert's Burnett's London Dry Gin. Favorite Taco: La Bamba's, but prefers unfathomably greasy cheeseburgers or gyros. Prized Posession: Fender Twin Reverb (which, for a period of time, was also his only posession), 1993 Limited Edition Saab Turbo. If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Gary here, he's Mr. Clean. They call him hitman, don't know what they mean. While Intoxicated, He Once: Physically assaulted mike in Flash Taco (tm) and preceeded downstairs to verbally assault minimum wage employees at Underdog (tm) who refused to give him his sausage. Franz Kafka tattoos: 1. Quotes: "Look, see? I can use my turn signal. I am clearly not too drunk to be driving." "I think if I had enough time and the motivation to do it, I could become a Navy SEAL." "Doctors are really car mechanics, just with more training." "How does that make you feel?" |
 | Name: Mike Occupation: Graduate Student Location: Champaign, Illinois Contributions: Programmer, technical mumbo-jumbo, writer Main Areas: Movies, comics, tacos, rants Super Powers: Superhuman Procrastination, Sleeping After Taking Yellowjackets, Atomic-level taco consumption Favorite Gin: Hannah & Hogg Favorite Taco: El Famous Burrito steak taco Prized Posession: Ol' Dirty Bastard poster in a golden frame, a clock with Jesus on it. If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Samauri Mike, I stop'em cold. Part of the defense, big and bold. While Intoxicated, He Once: Got his foot stuck between two seats in the theater during a screening of "Boat Trip", proceeding to shout "BEAR TRAP!" Franz Kafka tattoos: 0 (Mike refuses to get tattooed so he can receive a proper Islamic burial) Quotes: "Oh, that? I was just buying gas." "You see, we don't have enough money for the nachos. Is there any way we can barter?" "I should only be a couple minutes late." |
Comics
Random things about me and this page:
I’m looking into writing a book about comics in the 80s. I want to start the story in 1977 (when Dave Sim decides to self-publish 300 issues of Cerebus and the Hernandez Brothers hear their first punk album) and end it either around 1989 (probably with the release of Morrison/Mckean’s Arkam Asylum) or after the first two Sandman storylines. I’m going to be writing about all kinds of comics stuff here on this page, but if sometimes it feels like the passages are trying out their place in a chapter space or if I’m forcing an allusion to an 80s comic, that’s entirely on purpose.
I want to focus both on the comics themselves, but also on the industry, and the trials faced by both the majors, DC and Marvel, and the fledging independent medium emerging during that time. First column: One of the things comic publishers faced was, due to new interest in comics from non-hardcore fans, and intensive storylines that were meant to be read as one whole story, the need to be able to reproduce comics in a non-single issue manner. Here’s a summary on my personal views on the matter:
In response to some debates floating out there about serializing comics into trade paperbacks (a process where individual issues of comic books are reprinted into a book), I am completely and absolutely for them. My arguments can mostly be broken down into three strands: (a) they help validate the medium (b) they help bring newer audiences to comics and comics to the audience, and (c) they strike at the heart of the sycophantic collector’s market out there, lurking in convention halls.
As proof I can only say that if, in order to read Dicken’s Oliver Twist, you had to hunt down each of the issues of Bentley’s Miscellany that serialized the chapters during the 1830s, then nobody will have ever read Oliver Twist. Reproduction is the key to opening up any successful print medium, and before trade paperbacks comics had no ways of reproducing their works.
The debate is usually limited to the impact on DC or Marvel, but it’s independent comics that gain the most from this. Independent comics are harder to find, come out less often, and are more expensive than most comics, so being able to rely on trade paperbacks to get the word out has been important since day one. And it’s the independent comics that have been validating the medium to mass critics. It’s hard imagining a bunch of random issues of RAW comics getting recognized on a mass level, but once collected as a trade MAUS recieved a Pulitzer Prize. It’s also hard to imagine Christopher Hitchens giving an introduction to a single issue of fantagraphics comics, but it’s easier for him to do it for the collection of Safe Area Gorazde (which was written up in reviews ranging from the Economist to the UNTE Reader to Time Magazine – imagine them reading off the individual issues!).
Those who are against trade paperbacks usually fall into one of three categories: those who want to keep comics as collectables, those who want to keep the experience of comics as going to the stores and buying individual issues, and those who feel that there are too many reprints coming out too often.
For the first camp (and I know I’m going to be criticized for drawing this line in the sand) all I can say is that I’m for anything that makes comics less collectable in the long run. As long as comics are seen as primarily as a collectable then as a medium they are going to be no more significant than baseball cards (remember the old baseball card/comic book stores? Thank god those have split off!). If you want to hold onto comics as this thing you collect, trade and sell, then realize you are reducing comics as another set of hummel figurines or vintage lamps – not something to be read and appreciated. Comics can only be collectable as long as they are difficult to get a hold of, and being difficult to get a hold of is what is going to keep people from reading them. I still have images of sixth grade friends sealing off their collections, as if they were going to start paying off dividends any day now. I would rather have people reading them.
For the second camp, I have to say that I’ve been to a comic store every Wednesday since around 1992 purchasing away, and can say that if it wasn’t for trades I would have never read: The Watchmen, Sandman pre-Seasons of Mist, early Morrison Doom Patrol, Ennis on Hellblazer or Preacher pre-issue 19, Dark Knight Returns, Love and Rockets, among many other things. Buying the issues only works for comics that are currently or have yet to come out that you have heard of – it’s impossible to start creating a pool of great must-read comics if there are no reproductions (and nothing makes a comic more worthwhile than being must-read). There is a long history of comics out there – and trying to hunt down individual issues is costly, and more importantly, too time-consuming to get a how full and rich comics are these days.
The third camp would respond to this by saying that what is happening now is that not only are the ‘best’ comics coming out now in trade, but also lesser and filler issues. I see no problem with this. The more trades that are out there the more people have to take them seriously, which will lead to more reprinting of classic material. Fantagraphics has just started reprinting the entire run of Peanuts comics, a bid I can only imagine was influenced by their excellent David Boring and Jimmy Corrigan hardcovers.
There are problems with this of course; there has to be a standard of quality for reproductions. The way Marvel butchered the coloring in Steranko’s Nick Fury reprints almost made me lose faith in the entire thing. Also, comics that are being reprinted as they are being issued raises a question of whether or not the Wednesday readers should buy the issues or wait for the possibility of the trade – publishers will need to deal with that. But all in all, the industry is meeting the demand with nicer and nicer reprints – have you seen the Chris Ware hardcovers yet?
Philosophy
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"I'm not so sure I approve of this. I can't condone this kind of drunken debauchery. And what the hell is a taco? I've read Being and Nothingness, Critique of Pure Reason, and If Upon a Winter's Night a Traveler hundreds of times, and the word 'taco' is nowhere to be found. This website has none of the incisive wit of www.ennui.com or The Michel Foucalt Internet Archives. Ginandtacos.com is everything that is wrong with America. This is exactly why we philosophers prefer France. Cower under my condescending, Frenchy gaze of disapproval, Ginandtacos.com!" (Mr. Russell was compensated for his endorsement with a copy of Mclusky's Mclusky Does Dallas album and a Jeffrey Brown comic, which he stared at quizzically while sipping cognac) |
There will be more to come here at a later date. In the meantime, here are two of ginandtacos.com most requested items from years ago.
On Children, By Children - by mike.
On America, Where it's Easier to get a Car than an Education - by Ed.
Music
Ginandtacos.com endorser Keith Richards says:
| "For decades, medical science has been trying to figure out why I'm still alive. I mean, honestly, I do enough smack and Demerol to kill a medium-sized elephant. One time Charlie Watts and I missed a flight out of Thailand in 1974 and we smoked so much opium that I thought I was the Virgin Mary! Then, after we freebased cocaine off of a wok, I came up with the rhythm guitar line for Brown Sugar! Let's not let the doctors (or the authorities) in on my little secrets for cheating death: a portable defibrillator......and the Ginandtacos.com music page! These yankee chaps have some pretty rippin' taste in music, eh? Now read on and rock out with your cock out, man!" (Mr. Richards was compensated for his endorsement with a prostitute, a bottle of Thunderbird Fortified Wine, a custom-fit coffin, and a prescription for canine birth control pills. He used them all, not necessarily in that order) |
It's very difficult for most media to offer concrete opinions about new albums, or music in general, given that tastes are so highly subjective. No matter how god-awful an album is or isn't, it's bound to be somebody's cup of tea. Worse yet, in the era of media consolidation, the albums are usually put out by the same entities that publish the magazine (skim through some reviews of Warner Bros. albums in Time, Entertainment Weekly, or any of their 500 other publications if you want a good hearty gut-laugh). Or the magazines are so pitifully dependent on the economic morphine of their advertisers that every album gets at least a B+ rating (have Spin or Rolling Stone ever given an album an F? Or even a C?).
We here at ginandtacos.com don't have this problem. Since we happen to have good taste, we don't have a problem letting you know when yours sucks. In some cases, a lot. Take, for example, a Clay Aiken album or the latest "edgy" "rock" "masterpiece" from the Rapture. If you like that kind of music, you are an idiot. And we can just come right out and say it since your opinions don't matter.
So just in case you actually want to know anything about an album rather than just reading 1000 reviews saying "Hey this is great!", ginandtacos.com has arduously ear-tested and reviewed a number of albums for your edification. In a band and want your album critically eviscerated? Email ginandtacos.com for submission guidelines.
New Reviews - 8/1/05:
Saababanks - Relative Theory
Sugar Eater - Breadcrumbs for the Birds
White Trash Ambition - What do you want to be when you grow up?
New Reviews - 6/12/05:
Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
Queens of the Stone Age - Lullabies to Paralyze
Senator - United Wire
Weezer - Make Believe
White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
Archives:
The Bled - Pass the Flask
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Helmet- Unsung, The Best of Helmet
Local H - Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles
Marilyn Manson - Golden Age of Grotesque
Murder by Death- Who Will Survive and What Will be Left of Them
OutKast- Speakerboxxx- The Love Below
Rage Against the Machine - Live at the Grand Olympic Auditorium
Rollo Tomasi - He Who Holds You
Television - Marquee Moon (reissue)
The Five Deadly Venoms - Shapeshift
Vortis - God Won't Bless America
Movies
Ok, sorry this page is empty right now. Starting this weekend, ginandtacos.com will see a movie (or re-watch an old favorite) and post a review Monday night/tuesday morning. This way you'll have an excuse to stop by and see if anything else is new.
First up, Erik on "Timeline", maybe something else. See you then.
Ol' Dirty Bastard
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Side note: This is the only time that we will be linking to the sad, sorry webpage for the magazine Vice. It's an ugly magazine that we'd prefer not to be formally associated with - but they did interview the Ol' Dirty. See how much weight the poor man has put on since jail, and get ready to buy his new clothing line (?).
If Sir Robert Burnett is ginandtacos.com's Jesus, then Ol' Dirty Bastard is our John the Baptist. Or are we John the Baptist? I'd like to think we are preaching his word - wait, I'm not sure. Anyway, ginandtacos.com has always felt a very special connection with the gifted and troubled rapper from the Wu-Tang Clan. Ol' Dirty is a walking testament to the promise of the fractured, absurd, wonderful life one can lead in America.
Don't believe me? Why don't we walk through a year in the life of Ol' Dirty Bastard. Let's take 1998, an eventful year for the Dirt Dog. If this isn't chaotic enough for you, I have no idea who you are.
2-24 Ol' Dirty saves the life of a 4-year old child.
He ran outside of a studio he was recording in to help a girl who had just been hit by a driver. She was underneath the car and wsa being burned by
the engine. Ol' Dirty and several other rappers lifted the car off of her; Ol' Dirty visited her anonymously her in the hospital to make sure she was ok.
2-25 Ol' Dirty rushes Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech at the Grammy Award.
"Please calm down. I went and bought me an outfit today that cost me a lot of money, because I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win," O.D.B. said, referring to the Best Rap Album that Wu-Tang was nominated for, but did not win earlier in the evening as the honor went to Puff Daddy. "I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all, peace." "OK," Dirty announced from the stage. "I apologize my darling," he said to Colvin, who stood nearby, dumbfounded. "You're very beautiful and your speech was also very beautiful," he continued, referencing a speech she hadn't even made. "As a matter of fact, when me and you, with your speech, I think it was your speech that really attracted me up to the stage at that point of time to do that. So it's no disrespect at all. Thank you."
4-6 Ol' Dirty pleads guilty to charges of attempted assult.
The woman, Icelene Jones, is the mother of three of Ol' Dirty's children; he'll be back and forth to court in 1998 haggling out child support payments. ODB was granted a conditional release, while Jones was also granted a full order of protection as part of that ruling.
4-28 Ol' Dirty Changes his name to Big Baby Jesus.
"There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus" he announced to Vibe magazine. Later he told MTV News "I always been Jesus, I don't know what the big secret's been all these years. Hanging pictures up on the wall and crosses and things of that nature, I mean, it's all good, but the truth's gonna be revealed one day, and one day the truth's been revealed."
5-20 After two bench warrants are issued, Ol' Dirty pays back child support owed in court.
Big Baby Jesus misses court twice, and a bench warrant is issued each time. Finally, Ol' Dirty shows up, and agrees to pay $35,000, which is less than the total but agreed to by all parties.
6-30 Ol' Dirty Bastard is shot twice during a robbery at his cousin's house.
Ol' Dirty was staying at his cousin's house in Brooklyn, New York, when two black men knocked on the door. After Ol' Dirty answered it, the two men forced themselves inside, stole money and personal jewerly and then shot Ol' Dirty once in the arm, and once in the back. He was taken to Interfaith Medical Center, St. John's Division where he was treated and declared to be in stable condition.
7-1 Ol' Dirty is released from the hospital 8 hours after checking in.
A spokesperson at Brooklyn's Interfaith Medical Center called the wounds "superficial," and commented about O.D.B., "He's quite a character."
7-4 Ol' Dirty is accused of shoplifting a $50 pair of sneakers.
On the 4th of July, just days after being shot twice, Ol' Dirty is given a summons to appear in court on the charge of trying to walk out of a store wearing a $50 pair of sneakers that he did not pay for.
7-22 Someone steals Ol' Dirty's Range Rover
It was stolen from outside a Manhattan recording studio.
7-29 Ol' Dirty misses first court date for shoplifting charges.
A warrant for the his arrest was issued after the rapper failed to appear in court to answer charges stemming from the July 4 arrest for shoplifting.
8-11 Ol' Dirty Bastard misses second shoplifting court date.
Bad weather was the problem -- he couldn't fly from New York to Virginia for the appearance. The judge was apparently quite forgiving and rescheduled the hearing for Thursday.
8-13 Ol' Dirty Bastard misses a third shoplifting court date.
Judge Robert L. Simpson, Jr. issued an order for his arrest without bond, much like a bench warrant with no chance of bailing out. If caught by the police, Dirty will be held in custody until his next scheduled court appearance in order to ensure his attendance, according to a spokesperson for the General District Court.
9-17 Ol' Dirty under arrest after making threats at a club.
According to the police, the rapper, whose real name is Russell Jones, was inside the venue while R&B singer Des'ree was performing, acting drunk and disorderly. The venue's security asked him to come outside to talk, at which point he refused and was ejected from the club. Upon his return, Dirty allegedly threatened to shoot members of the security staff, which is a felony offense. He is also being held for an unrelated traffic warrant. If convicted, the rapper could face one to three years in prison A spokesperson for the House of Blues says that the incident involving Dirty was minor.
The Virginia Beach, Virginia shoplifting case involving a $50 pair of Nike sneakers is ongoing as well.
9-30 Ol' Dirty is ejected from a Berlin Hotel.
While no charges have been officially brought against Ol' Dirty, other guests at the hotel were complaining because the rapper was hanging out on his balcony ... naked.
11-6 Ol' Dirty arrested for threatening to kill ex-girlfriend, breaking into her work.
Ol' Dirty was arrested and booked on Thursday at 1 p.m. in Carson, California. Sheriff's deputies apprehended Dirty after his 27-year-old ex-girlfriend and mother of his one-year old child reported on Monday that he had allegedly threatened to kill her. On Thursday afternoon, she called police once again to tell them that he was en route to her job location. According to police reports, Dirty was apprehended while attempting to climb over the security gate to enter her job site. Dirty has another on-going case involving a previous terrorist threat charge. He is expected to appear in Beverly Hills Municipal Court on November 17 for allegedly threatening to shoot the West Hollywood House of Blues security staff.
He also faces shoplifting charges in Virginia Beach, Virginia over a $50 pair of Nike sneakers.
(image by nana)
Tacos
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"As a child in Japan, my dreams of being a famous sumo Rashiki were limited by my healthy, slender physique. Then, one day, Ginandtacos.com introduced me to a magical food from the lands of the west: the Taco. By designing every meal around the Gordita, Iassured my body of getting the 1,000+ grams of saturated fat I would need to become morbidly obese. The results speak for themselves: my pant size went from a Kate-Moss-like 28 waist to an ass-busting 96! Thanks to Ginandtacos.com, I haven't seen my feet or genitals in months and I now receive medical care froma bovine veterinarian! Best of all, my belly's still growing! Thanks,Ginandtacos.com! (Musashima was compensated for his endorsement with 100 Enchiritos, a drum of melted hog fat, and a live, adult male ox, all of which he immediately consumed without swallowing or pausing to breathe) |
Consult the Ginandtacos.com Taco Doctor
We found this taco-related poem on the internet a long time ago. We still haven't found out who wrote it:
who invented the first taco?
who first said zás órale simón que onda
pues who in verdad
ate the first taco?
were you invited to the cracking of
el Plan de Aztlán?
are you on the phone tree?
planta mas baby
you got to move
and be sure
your raza
is here
to live in
justicia & peace
move on raza
who invited
you to the operation
of the mind on
death row?
the squad invaded
the people are on the corners
doing dope deals
barrio deals
death deals
bail deals
what is up raza?
answer please
before the taco becomes
extinct
Fuck L Ron Hubbard
This page is being revamped. More to come later.
Gin
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"Two hundred years ago, I had a dream.....to brew a beverage that was 44% alcohol and affordable to those who need it most: the working class and liberal arts graduates. That dream was culminated the first time I poured water, rancid pine needles, and rotting sugar into my bathtub to create the the first batch of Sir Robert Burnett's Super-Premium Fancy London Dry Gin. Ed, Mike, and Erik are my spiritual sons, carrying on my legacy by bringing cheap gin to the masses, where it belongs. Now if you'll excuse me, my liver is failing again."
(Sir Robert Burnett was compensated for his endorsement with the joy of watching Ed, Mike, and Erik slug down two liters of his creation) |
Webster's dictionary defines gin as "a colorless alcoholic beverage made from distilled or redistilled neutral grain spirits flavored with juniper berries and aromatics (as anise and caraway seeds)" In reality, it is more than simple words can describe. It is the source of England's literary genius. It is the breakfast that brings Eastern Bloc athletes to newer and ever-greater heights. It is the inspiration for this fine webpage.
Click here to go the official Ginandtacos.com Gin Reviews.
Click here to learn about our hero, Sir Robert Burnett.
Myths about Gin
Alcohol
Yes, to alcohol--the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. You're saying, "I know what alcohol is. I know how to drink. And I know how to drink a lot and get drunk. What can Ginandtacos.com possibly tell me about booze?"
Well listen, you know-it-all little shit. If you don't want our help, go fuck an inflatible sheep. If you want to learn about how you've been abusing alcohol all wrong your entire life and want to learn how to maximize its brain-numbing powers, read on. Ungrateful bastard.
Sir Robert Burnett
Sir Robert Burnett of Shaftsbury
Our patron saint, Sir Robert Burnett of Shaftsbury, was born in Newcastle-on-Tyne on the 17th of May, 1735. He was born out of wedlock, the product of a one-night-stand between Captain Morgan and Queen Mary II of Scotland.
As a young boy, Robert had little contact with either his sea-going father or his mother, who shunned him due to the circumstances of his birth. He was raised by a loosely-knit group of liberal arts students at the local university. By day, he watched his adoptive family slave away in lecture after lecture, only to graduate without any hope of landing a job. By night, he watched as they tried in vain to get drunk, limited by their poverty and the weak nature of the alcoholic beverages available at the time.
Robert wasn't good at sports or his studies. The girls didn't pay him much attention. Reading bored him. He couldn't hold a job. What Robert discovered, however, was that he had a burning passion to make cheap, fuck-you-up-quick booze with which to solve the problems of liberal arts students and manual laborers everywhere.
Robert's path to greatness was not paved with gold. A long process of trial and error preceeded the successful product for which history is in his debt. Some of his early liquors were too weak. Others were too delicate-tasting. Others were quite good, but would have been too expensive to sell cheaply.
Then, one day, the fortune smiled upon Robert. The heavens parted and sun shone down upon his brew. His latest concoction of water, rancid pine needles, and juniper berries came out perfect. It was 44% alcohol, enough to make even the most ornery bricklayer drunk, yet low-grade enough to be sold for $5 per bottle, which was within the price range of liberal arts majors.
Little Robert from Newcastle became a national hero. Soon he was no longer Bobby Burnett, failed moonshine manufacturer -- he was Sir Robert Burnett of Shaftsbury, standard-beared of the working class.
Success never changed Sir Robert. Never once did he consider improving his gin's taste, increasing its price, or altering its alcohol content. While he moved to the regal land of Shaftsbury, he still ate tacos for dinner and sat around in his underwear. And even though he became a regular guest in the Royal Court at state occasions, he always showed up piss-drunk and underdressed.
Sir Robert died Jimi Hendrix-style on December 21, 1797, choking on his own vomit while plastered. It was a fitting end; he died just as he lived.
Few people take the time to recognize the importance of this great man. Sir Robert Burnett -- a man without whom a psychology degree would be unattainable.
Little Bitches
You know who they are. They know who they are. They are little bitches, and we all have to deal with them. Whether it's that fat kid who's way too into data systems, the Christian kid down the hall who gives you the pro-abstinence speech, or the tool who thinks he's deep because he read one Bukowski short story, everyone has a little bitch or two in their life, and ginandtacos.com is here to help you deal with them.
First, what exactly is a little bitch? Webster's defines it thusly:
little bitch- n (lit'-uhl bit-ch); a derivative of the human male species; native to suburbs and college campuses; fosters an urge to slap him in all he encounters (etymology: Latin 'litius'=small or childlike, 'bitchum'=one who is a fucking dildo)
That didn't help much, did it? Perhaps we should lead by example. These following links will clear things up for you and help you identify the little bitches in your world:
The Little Bitch Hall of Fame
The first link is a field guide that will help you to quickly identify a little bitch so that you can safely prepare for an encounter with one. The second link lists some famous little bitches throughout history to further clarify the point.
What to do if you Encounter a Little Bitch
An encounter with a little bitch is a frightening experience. However, with a little Ginandtacos.com know-how, you can escape unscathed.
1. Never panic--After all, he is a little bitch. Stay focused, and remember that you have shit out things scarier than this loser.
2. Call him out--Nothing scares a little bitch away quicker than being called on something. For example, let's say a Guy who likes to act sad/smart in front of women type bitch (refer to the chart above) responds to a story you tell with, "That's so postmodern." Simply say, "Do you know what that means, or are you just trying to look smart?" Works every time.
3. Beware of backup bitches--Little bitches usually have sycophants following them around to laugh at their jokes, admire their "intelligence," and generally make them feel like they are not little bitches. Beware these parasites, they give the little bitch badly-needed confidence. However, once separated from these people who follow him around and worship him, the little bitch will remember that he is an assmaster with a really small dick and can thus be neutralized.
4. Don't take any shit--You feel very, very sorry for a little bitch at some point....his ineptitude, over-compensation, and lingering bedwetting problems will foster pity in your heart. You will refrain from destroying him because of your sympathy. However, remember that the little bitch will turn on you as soon as he thinks he can. So don't pass up a chance to point out that he's been using the word "maudlin" wrong for 45 minutes at a party and that Vonnegut is not an existentialist like he just told that pretty girl in the corner....get him while you have the chance, or else he'll start ripping you the second his confidence breaks the surface level.
