Are you both drunk and unemployed?

If this sounds like you, then ginandtacos.com would like to be the first to inform you of this rewarding career oppertunity at Heaven Hill Distilleries Inc, better known as the makers of Burnett's Vodka and Gin.

If you feel that you have the what it takes to be the marketing manager for this midsized corporation, look at the job description found at:

How is your mustache coming?

Throughout history many fine men have grown mustaches- not that there is really any correlation between the strength of a man's character, and his ability to grow facial hair. In fact, often times the complete opposite is true. Never in history has this been more the case than when talking about the Mike and Molly's official mustache comeptition.

Here is the story. On monday the fifth of april all those who thought they had the nerve had to show up at the bar clean shaven to be examined by competition officials. Upon varifiying the smoothness of the upperlip, you are allowed to compete. You now have three weeks to allow your mustache hair to flourish.

On the 26th of April many a mustachioed competitor will decend on Mike and Molly's to have their growth judged by an impartial panel of past winners, bar employees and friends. The judgment is based not entirely on the thickness of mustache, but on the skill of the preformer. Having the perfect mustache personality is an absolute must.

This year I decided to let the ginandtacos readers behind the scenes. Typically the average spectator will only see the mustache from in front of the stage on the 26th. I am going to change all that.

Take a look into the sordid world of competitive mustache growth

"Hi, it's me, Kirk. Welcome to the Way of the Master"

My god. This isn't a joke. Please, for the love of all that is good, go to: The Way of the Master webpage and make sure you click on "high speed" - trust me, it's worth it.

"The Way of the Master" sounds too much like a Chinese martial arts movie to be taken seriously. You are going to want to believe that this is a hoax - but I don't think it is.

BLANKET GENERALIZATIONS: CRITICAL THINKING FOR IDIOTS

George Washington and his fellow terrorists attack their British liberators

While the Patriot Act is good for an almost endless supply of gut laughs, my favorite under-the-radar post-9/11 free-for-all piece of pseudo-legislation has to be Executive Order 13224. No clever jingoistic name, just a number. It's the act that designated certain foreign organizations as terrorist groups and allows the United States law enforcement community to freeze financial assets of such groups.

Of course, even if this was more well-publicized, no one would have argued against it. It's a fact that dangerous terrorist groups like Al-Qaida or the Abu Sayyaf used American-owned businesses named things like Al-Hamati Sweets Bakeries ( I'm not making this up) to launder and funnel funds to terrorists.

Here's the rub. In typical kid-in-a-candy-store fashion, this administration chose to indulge its biases, or perhaps simply showcase its base ignorance, by blanketing the terrorist label on basically any group they didn't happen to like. In retrospect, I'm tempted to laud their restraint for not putting the League of Women Voters and Greenpeace on it.

While they're clearly having trouble with their rudimentary macroeconomics lessons and I don't want to interrupt their glacial learning process, I feel compelled to offer the neo-conservative world a quick history lesson: THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED BY "TERRORISTS" if Executive Order 13224 is the definition of terrorism. Remember Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and all the other Revolutionary War heroes? I hate to break it to you, but they were armed with more than colorful language. And they intended to hurt the Brits. In many instances, they did. Once they even made an attack against British private interests in the US...in a harbor somewhere, I think.

One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. When the Mujahadeen of Afghanistan fought the Soviets in the 80s, we were on their side. We love the idea of the little guy (America / Afghanistan) fighting the bloated colonial oppresors (Britain / Russia). Reagan called them "freedom fighters" and armed them to the teeth. Of course, those Mujahadeen used their CIA training and weapons to eventually found Al-Qaida, but that's another rant.

The point is, most of the groups on that list are vile terrorists. But some of them are groups committed to fighting for freedom in the same way we did 225 years ago. The IRA or Sendero Luminoso or the Tamil Tigers or the June78 group or the ETA or the Nepalese Maoists are as much terrorists as George Washington and Nelson Mandela. Are they violent? Yup. That's pretty much how people win their freedom. Last time I checked it was never handed to anyone. We sure as hell had to fight for it.

Expecting anyone in this political climate to understand such a distinction is obviously unreasonable. But from now on, every time you spend a dollar bill, remember that your money prominently features a terrorist as defined by Executive Order 13224 of these United States of America.

JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN'T SURE LIFE ISN'T FAIR....

So the Indiana University campus is buzzing over the fact that on Monday afternoon, a 22 year old student threw a chair through the window of a 9th story classroom in Ballentine Hall and jumped.

I think approximately 15% of the horror results from the disturbing nature of the incident, which I watched happen, while the other 85% stems from the fact that he was basically unhurt.

Don't get me wrong, he's hurt. And still in the hospital. But this man plunged 150 or so feet onto concrete and didn't even break a bone. Or get knocked unconscious. The first people on the scene, expecting to see a splattered blob of ketchup, instead found him sitting upright and talking. The worst injuries he received, according to published reports, are cuts from broken glass.

This man is clearly Unbreakable, and every person who falls on on a ladder or their basement stairs and ends up dying is his Samuel Jackson.

And on a completely insensitive note, memo to suicide jumpers: go head first if you're serious. And if you're not, then don't jump, because your odds aren't all that good. Unless you're this guy.

More Random Links from Erik

Also due to feeling the pressures of graduate student life, I am going to give you random links to make up for actual updates.

The NYT talking about the use of MRI in determining political leanings Although from a scientific standpoint, this research is at the point where it can be refered to as dubious at best, their "conclusions" are quite amusing. You will need a NYT login to view this article. If you don't already have one, and don't want to sign up for one, use ours:

If you don't have much time a brief on the same story from the drudgereport.com....bear in mind that he left out some of the more interesting tidbits about the apparent differences between conservatives and liberals.

Teenagers are actually are interested in news Yes, but since the study also concludes that they "hate reading" is this really good news?

What is the nature of our involvement in Syria? This is admittedly a very sketchy source, but interesting nonetheless - primarily because some of the statements attributed to US government officaials seem remarkably similar to rhetoric describing our involvement in Laos and Cambodia in early 1970.

Let me leave you with this quote from Kevin Spacey after his ill-fated late night "dog walking" incident. Apparently he was "conned" into giving some kid his cell phone, then tripped over his dog in an attempt to pursue the child. He proceeded to lie to the police and claim he was mugged.

"You know walking your dog in the park is a perfectly normal thing to do, but, you know, I think that they are always trying to, you know, [say] 'What was he doing in that park at 4:30 am.?' My doggy had to go!"

By the way, if I were to actually say this I could be sued, so I will just insinuate. This incident took place in London, I have on good authority from someone who was there recently that there are pamphlets around the city saying going to parks late at night are a good way so score yourself some hot anonymous same-sex loving.

random tuesday links

Updates to the main content soon (some reviews, some new neocon bingo tiles, and more!), but for now, while the staff of ginandtacos.com suffers under deadlines and term projects, here's some random stuff off the internet:

Doonesbury. Read it, even if you are a new fan, and especially if you haven't read it in a while. B.D. is one of the first characters from the strip (from way back around 1971), who has just recently gone off to fight in Iraq. Bush in Iraq has gotten under Trudeau like Reagan with the AIDS crisis, and he's using a character to let it be known.

New Yorker Profile of Aaron McGruder; it's surprisingly critical (for the new yorker anyway), and it explains why "The Boondocks" has been, well, crappy since last fall (he's given the artwork off to someone else while trying to expand into other media). I'll try and get a reaction to it in the comics section while my boss isn't looking.

Retrospective of Rem Koolhaas, just in time for the opening of his Public Library in Seattle. I'd recommend getting over to the IIT student union (pictured in that profile) whenever you are in Chicago - it's worth all the fuss it's getting.

All the times Giles has been knocked out on Buffy. This is in honor of the fact that Angel, which is having an amazing Season Five, is leaving the networks for good in 1 month. I know the page is missing a few (the living puppet episode the demon gets him in order to try and eat his brains). We may need our own list compiled.

The Sopranos' obsession with having to use the bathroom. I'm glad the show recovered from a so-so season 4 to be worth talking about again. Like Angel, it's having an amazing season 5. The article also calls out the network for having the shows with the most (Sex and the City) and least (Sopranos) glamorous view of American affluence right next to each other:

Compare, for instance, the joyless wealth of the New Jersey clan with Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw and her feel-good material girlfriends. Nowhere else on cable is American consumerism as scathingly portrayed as it is among Tony and his families. If Sex and the City caused its viewers to fantasize about A-list night-clubbing in Manhattan, closets stuffed with designer shoes, apartments in Soho, and eating out seven nights a week, The Sopranos is about rubbing our noses in the grossness of stuff. Once you tunnel under the Hudson River, the unchic nightclubs are packed with creepy guys ogling fake-breasted pole dancers, your clothes came off a truck, real estate is just another shakedown, and dinner is cold pizza.

DAMN MOOCHIN' WAR WIDOWS......

Most people are no doubt aware that retired military veterans receive a pension from the government in this country. When the soldier dies, his or her spouse also continues to receive the pension.

So imagine the surprise, and subsequent mental calculations, that greeted me when I discovered that there is still one living Civil War widow receiving a pension.

Miss Alberta Martin, born in 1906, married one William Jasper Martin in 1927. William was 81 at the time, and Alberta was only 21. But she realized that if she married the old geezer before his imminent death, she would get his pension for life. William, a veteran of the Confederate 4th Alabama Infantry, died shortly after their wedding. As planned, no doubt.

After her husband's death, Alberta married his grandson. She is still alive and receiving his monthly pension in Dothan, Alabama.

And you wonder where we get these wild stereotypes about the south.