BREAKING NEWS: UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE WHO PHOTOGRAPH THEIR PUSSY FOR A LIVING HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME ON THEIR HANDS

I received the following email from "CJ" at shykiss.com after we had to ban her IP because she left about 50 comments on our webpage - every one identical - from midnight to 5 AM the other evening. Truly, this is a person with a lot of time on her hands, and very little she is capable of doing with it.

Due to its extreme length, I understand you may not wish to read this in its entirety. Suffice it to say it contains numerous insults I last heard in second grade and more than enough information to get this person committed for some badly needed psychiatric care. As a refresher, here is a quick photo of the sender:

Hi Edwina,

CJ

Ms. Diseased Pussy, PLEASE, for the love of god, skip directly to #5. Call our webhost as soon as you possibly can. And I'm glad you interpreted the fact that YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND and we blocked your IP because YOU ARE FUCKING DERANGED AND HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN POST 10000 COMMENTS HERE as a sign that you have "defeated" us. Yes, you got us. If your point was to be psychotic and annoying in a way no one ever could have predicted, you have won.

Thank you for turning this brief exercise in mocking some random girl I found on a google search into your fucking life's purpose. We are your windmill.

So, yeah, ginandtacos.com seems to have attempted to take on the amateur internet porn community.

Although we are aware that there is no way for us to enforce these rules, please be respectful of our rules and regulations.

GINANDTACOS.COM RESTS ITS CASE.

Really. We do.

Bambi's Mom is in for a world of hurt.

It must really suck to be a deer in today's world. With sprawl, pollution and ecosystems in disarray life must be hard on poor Bambi. And at 12:01am Monday, it's about to get even worse - because that's when the Clinton passed Assult Rifle Ban is set to be repealed.

I mention deer only because while doing research about the topic I came across this post by user JesusCyborg on a gun board: "You don't think guns are awesome? Well to each their own. I do. I can't wait to get my hands on an assault rifle so I can pump some deer full of lead."

So maybe that is that. Maybe a bunch of rednecks will take uzis and AK-47s into the woods and hunt nature the way we conduct our foreign policy: with overwhelming unilateral military force (will the deer will have to wage an asymmetrical war, kidnapping journalists and getting box cutters that fit in hooves?). Maybe there is nothing to really fear here.

But the police, who probably have more of an expertise than 'jesuscyborg' in these matters, disagree. There is talk of a more 'militaristic' approach to policing. Armored vehicles will become more prevalent among law enforcement. AV's will have to become standard for simple robbery cases. As anyone who has been around law enforcement or guns knows, there is a world of difference from a deer rifle and an uzi, if only for the mental state of the person holding it. As the man points out above, guns are 'awesome', and bigger assult rifles in your hands are the equivalent of a hit of PCP in the "I can take on 6 cops" department.

above: what the framers had in mind.

Will the government step in? "I think the will of the American people is consistent with letting it expire, so it will expire" said majority leader Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee. "If the president asked me, it would still be no," chirped in Representative Tom DeLay of Texas. President Bush said he supports a renewal and would sign it, but he hasn't pushed very hard. Or at all for that matter. Great job having it both ways; I hope no crackheads jump you with an Uzi on the way to cash all those NRA checks.

"But Mike, even with the ban criminals already have access to these guns if they want them." Maybe my formal background in math logic is working against me, but doesn't then repealing the ban mean even more criminals will have access to them? And worse, with the market flooded won't prices drop, allowing your more broke, desperate and likely to shoot you for a Social Security check variety of criminals larger access to these weapons? And isn't that a bad thing? There is only so much you can argue the tautology "more access will result in more access."

"But Mike, with the weapon ban repealed I can purchase assult rifles to protect my wife, children and three-step ranch home." That is an excellent point, and ginandtacos.com would love to help you out. Now for various PR reasons, the gun industry is keeping it's mouth shut with how much it is salivating at the idea of expanding this market come Monday, so it is hard (and techinically still illegal) to find places online where you can order these guns. And legally (damn Clinton!) guns of this nature that are produced before Monday have to be 'marked' with law enforcement stickering, reducing their sales worth, so we have a few more days before actual production. But come the time, we will have a running list of online ordering sites for the new weapons with which you can "shock and awe" the deer, cheating spouses and late-night gas station attendees of America.

Until then, here are the semi-automatic fruits of what is to come:

Shaun of the Dead: An Exchange

From: Erik Martin
To: mike

There comes a point in every man's life when his girlfriend gets off of work at 9 oclock in the pm in Champaign, and he decides he must call mike in Chicago to see if he can get show times for a movie. It is not often that such a movie exists that warrents this type of behavior, but last friday such a cinematic masterpiece was showing.
-----

From: mike
To: Erik Martin

Yes, after noticing Champaign was not playing the feature, Erik Martin and his girlfriend drove 2 hours to see Shaun of the Dead. It's a move that seems fitting of the characters of the movie; lovable burnouts who sit around playing records and video games while their lives pass them by in a haze of menial service jobs and failed relationships. The day that Shaun has to fight a wicked hangover in order to get to his mom's birthday and figure out what to do about his ex-girlfriend who just dumped him happens to be the day that there is a massive zombie attack on England.

Shaun of the Dead is being thrown in with the Horror Comedy genre - this seems a bit off. Most of the movies that we have come to think of as belonging to this club - the first two Evil Deads, Dead Alive, etc. - are horror films first and foremost - they happen to have comical leads and joke about the idea of zombies, but their main intention is to scare and cause carnage on the screen. Shaun feels different - it's as if it's an episode of a BBC show that brings in zombies to play straight into humor. Some of it is scary, but not much. But all of it is funny. But funny in that BBC way. Sadly I don't know enough about the BBC sitcom universe, but luckily Erik is an expert. Where's the overlap?
-----

From: Erik Martin
To: mike

Expert is a somewhat strong word. I would assume there there are a lot of people out there with various qualities allowing them more expertise... being British for example. However, I suppose that as americans go I am not too bad.

The main figures in the movie, namely Shaun and Ed are both from the Channel 4 series "Spaced." David, played by Dylan Moran, is the lead in a show entitled "Black Books"- where he plays a chain-smoking, drunk, slovenly, generally acerbic character. Seeing his transition to a whining pansy who probably consumes fruity cocktails in this movie was quite amusing. It also seemed that a substantial number of the extras were also british comedy regulars who were presumably just hanging around with nothing better to do. I am pretty sure I remember Reece Shearsmith from League of Gentlemen hanging around in the backround holding something club-like looking as close to menacing as he was able.

I have heard other people exclaim that Shaun of the Dead played like an extended episode of the show (Spaced). I don't know, maybe. I think the reason that it had this impact on some people was the general comedic style and cinematography. Shaun of the Dead's most hysterical moments consisted of times when you saw something odd on the edge of the frame. Or the camera panned out to reveal more context making a somewhat serious moment very funny. But this is how the jokes were. They were not laid out for you. They were largely contextual within a framework which was taken very seriously. Some people might get kind of pissed off that the script makes you figure out wether or not something is a joke. Although, I think that part of what makes this a fantastic movie is that fact that you can break out laughing for no reason other than the absurdity of imagery has built up to such a point that you can't hold it in any longer.
-----

From: mike
To: Erik Martin

Good call Mr. Martin. Checking imdb.com tells us that Mr. Shearsmith is wandering around somewhere in the movie.

Fans of BBC humor will definitely love it. You hit the nail on the head with how the movie is able to find a way to make simple pan-induced sight gags really clever rather than tired and cliched. I suppose the only question left is what will American audiences think? And even more difficult, what will horror purists think?

Well, not much probably. There isn't much horror for horror's sake in the movie, which I think is an excellent thing (though the ending gets a bit scary, or at least intense). The horror satire is there, but thankfully is very low key. Shaun and his crew live their lives against the backdrop of service industry wage slavery in England, and as such their lives are only a matter of degree from the zombies attacking them.

Americans may be put off by the British comedy. This is sad as the concept is definitely an American import. At its core is a losercoming of age movie, a lot like the early Kevin Smith movies, with a lot more drinking and slacking. It's a celebration of the relationships you always mess up, the way that you can become most creative at creating ways to be not creative at all, and the drinking buddies who alternate between holding you back and saving your ass - truths that every guy should hold as self-evident.

But you don't really need all that analysis - I was sold when a song by the band Chicago plays as a the ultimate breakup song and someone quotes Bertrand Russell at a moment of heroism. Erik, any concluding thoughts?
-----

From: Erik Martin
To: mike
Date: 02:49:55 -0500 (CDT)

So here is the story. I am fabulously intoxicated right now. It is about 3 in the am. I need to be at work by 8 tomorrow morning. I am pretty sure I will then have the free time to work on it.
-----

From: Erik Martin
To: mike

Let us not forget that our hero quickly admitts to his (unclear whether or not she still is alive at this point) ex-girlfriend that he learned the Bertrand Russell quote off a beer mat. No doubt a beer mat located at "The Winchester," the bar where he presumably spends all his time when he is not hawking television sets at the electronics store.

let me go back for a moment to why I think the sight gags work. It is because they happen by chance. They are all staged in such a way that, although it is obvious they are going for laughs, it isn't that obvious. They play like those odd things you actually see in your everyday life. Like one of those times when you are sitting having a perfectly normal conversation and turn around to see something bizarre happening behind you. It takes a minute to sink in and
then you have to turn around and look another time. This is the manner in which the cinematography in this movie works. The recreate that feeling of doing a double take at something a bit off. They don't dwell on these gags, they give you just enough time so that it sinks in 20 seconds into the next scene.

The central conflict in Shaun of the Dead seems to not actually revolve around the fact that the main characters are fighting for their lives in the midst of Zombies, but rather that Shaun still lives with his college buddies, only marginally has a job, and does nothing but go to the same bar every night. He is as much fighting to do something with his life as he is to keep it- fantastically punctuated when his plan to save everyone is obviously failing. If you have seen the previews you know that it is his plan to take his mom and girlfriend to the bar (The Winchester) because for some reason they will be safe there- "its a pub they have deadbolts and stuff there." When it becomes abundantly obvious that this really did not work at all; and why would it? His girlfriend informs him, "At least you did something."

ELECTION '04: MORE WRINKLES THAN STROM THURMOND'S SCROTUM

Unbeknownst to most voters, there are (and have been for some time) two states that award electors proportionally - Nebraska and Maine. In other words, the Presidential candidate who wins the state does not automatically receive all its electoral votes. Each Congressional district gets one electoral vote, with the state's overall winner taking the two electors representing the Senators.

So let's say Bush won Nebraska (5 electoral votes, because it has 3 Congressmen and 2 Senators) but one of the state's three Congressional districts had more votes for Kerry than Bush - Kerry would get one electoral vote, and Bush gets four.

This remains unknown because it has not been relevant. Nebraska is staunchly Republican and Maine has managed to remain unanimous since adopting this system. However, the Colorado Electoral Reform Act could turn out to be extremely relevant in that divided state.

With 9 electoral votes (7 Districts, plus two Senators), Colorado is not usually considered a huge prize. It is also traditionally Republican, as the urban and hippie population is easily offset by the fact that the preponderance of the state's employment comes from Aerospace and Defense contractors.

But while the state is Republican on the whole, it has 3 Congressional districts - mainly representing metro Denver and Boulder - that are overwhelmingly Democratic. Another district is a toss-up, and the remaining are strong Republican. Furthermore, Bush's 2000 victory in the state was quite narrow.

If the CERA passes, it will be effective for this election. Even assuming another Bush win, Kerry will likely receive at least 3 electoral votes. Given that the state's Senate race is leaning Democratic (State Rep Ken Salazar holding a narrow lead over beer magnate Pete Coors), Kerry could increase that to 5 electoral votes by winning the whole state.

Nothing is set in stone at this point, but leave it to the state that gave us Columbine, the nuclear ICBM, and South Park to add another technical loophole that people don't understand but will argue like experts if it becomes relevant in the election.

A MILOS FORMAN-STYLE AUDIENCE REACTION SHOT

Courtesy of our friends over at shykiss.com:

I've shit out things more attractive than that. I wonder what manner of guy gives money randomly to the busted girls on the internet? I mean, it's already a matter of degrees: there are, you know, normal people who talk to actual live humans, and then there are creepy guys who sit around and stalk hot girls on the internet.

But what kind of guy stalks the ones who have bodies like Gumby and could probably drive a Winnebago up the vadge they use to get people to like them? Is there some subcategory of guy who is somehow not "cool" enough for the decent looking internet porn headcases?

Perhaps ginandtacos should branch out into this booming Ugly Porn industry.....it's like the Valley of Broken Toys, only more saggy and shapeless.

BABY, I GOT YOUR MONEY

Quick, lend me $8,178.57. I'll pay it back, I swear.

See, today the Congressional Budget Office estimated the budget deficit by the end of the decade will balloon to $2.29 trillion dollars. Let's see that with all the zeroes.

$2,290,000,000,000.00

With our current population of 280,000,000 this leaves the budget deficit at $8,178.57 per person. Bear in mind that the CBO is also probably reporting these figures optimistically because of its pro-Bush leanings. The inevitable rising price of oil, energy, and the costs of war could easily make these numbers significantly larger.

Bearing in mind that our national savings rate is negative and the average homeowner is in debt that is 8 to 10 times his or her annual income, I think you would be a fool - and also a terrorist - to dispute any claims that our economy is heating up.

[supply side bullshit]See, what will happen is that by engaging in exorbitent spending while cutting taxes, we'll make the economy grow so much that tax reciepts will increase dramatically. How do we increase tax revenue while cutting tax rates? Well you'd have to be a debunked economist to be able to understand it.[/supply side bullshit].

Because, really even if the economy (measured by GDP) grows 10% in the next decade as the proponents of these policies claim (which would be historically high growth), which is larger: 30% of $900 or 25% of $1000?

No pressure. Take your time. Use a calculator.

CIRCLE ALL THE THINGS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE

So. This exists.

Tatagirl.com, specifically. The website consists of a girl (who apparently makes a living selling naked pics of her roach-infested snatch on the internet) soliciting money to fix her crappy tattoos. According to her main site, jessiekitty.com (beware that she is an "evil zombie punk sex fiend" before visiting), this intellectual giant was a squatter, and in the process got some bad tattoos. As you can see from the photos she has provided, this is one point on which Ms. Kitty and ginandtacos.com will agree: her tattoos are fucking horrendous.

Nautical stars - that's original....were they out of "celtic" and "barbed wire"? The "daddy's girl" on the lower back is a nice touch, reminding whoever's banging her that she's underage, at least mentally. And how she plans to fix a large 'tribal' tattoo on her throat, I haven't a clue.

Theoretically, I'd support someone fixing up bad tattoos. But take a look at the "current goals" page to see what she wants to replace them with. Here, I'll save you the effort:

Listen. One does not replace bad tattoos with worse tattoos. Unless you're an evil zombie punk sex fiend, that is. I fear that this is only the beginning in a cycle of solicitations to cover christ-rapingly bad tattoos with worse ones, on and on, until she finally dies huffing paint. The main site already consists solely of about 100 separate linked requests to send this complete stranger money. Her right to be tattooed must be revoked until her judgment of "good" vs "bad" tattoos improves, lest society bear the cost of fixing them in perpetuity.

On a final note, check out the "contributers" (nicely misspelled) page. Now. Let us assume these are not fictional. Let us open our vast imaginations and visualize what manner of neurotic, obese loser would send this person money with nothing more than porn as a reward. I'm sure that it is not difficult to find naked pictures of her on the internet without money changing hands, guys.

Congratulations, Jessie Kitty: evil zombie punk sex fiend. Ginandtacos.com officially certifies that when you die, the coroner will list your cause of death as "God fixing his mistake".

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

I have no idea what everyone is talking about with "Sky Captain and the City of Tomorrow." Critics appear to be loving the movie as it is an almost totally digital experience that isn't a complete failure (a la the recent rash of Star Wars prequels and the two Matrix sequels). I'm not cynical enough where I can associate "not a failure" with "good" - even for Hollywood summer releases.

This movie invokes a world of sci-fi serials and images of what people in the 1930s would have thought the future to look like, but it falls flat after that. I wasn't looking for much, but the two basic rules of making an American adventure popcorn movie is (a) make the lead likable and (b) bring the audience into all the excitement. Jude Law is given a lot of time to look pretty, but doesn't have any sense of anything other than male model about him. Any excitement to be had is sucked away by the digital effects - but not for the reason that most of these movies fail with too many special effects.

The coloring of the film is where effects work has been done. Everything has a deep saturation to it; newsrooms are all in brown, skylines blue, etc. The lighting is done in a way that it looks good - technically that's a feat. The highlights don't bleed into the whites, the characters all look sharp, and everything has it's proper hue. I guess some critics were drawn in by this look of vintage sci-fi magazines aged to odd colors in old bookstores - I had the opposite reaction.

All the odd coloring kept me at a distance. With everyone visually at odds to me, I couldn't really feel one thing or the other for anybody. This is fine for the first act or so, but at some point they should have dropped the heavy effects and let the audience actually enjoy the story and characters. The story being kinda dumb doesn't help. Not even Angelina Jolie, in an outfit suitable for female comic book characters and/or sex industry workers, could make this movie interesting. Skip it.