ELECTION 2004: THE CAR WRECK YOU CAN'T STOP STARING AT

As much as my heart of hearts wants to believe that these photos are fake, I know they're as real as Dick Cheney's pacemaker. Years from now, I will be thankful that I saved this montage of the cast of Election 2004 so that I may recall them fondly beside a crackling fireplace as the wind rustles through my Personal Retirement Savings Account.

Some of these photos are unintentionally hilarious, and some contain less subtle comedic value. But they share in common the fact that, as Americans, we have no recourse but to laugh at them. Enjoy.

Edwards proposes we send sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads to Iraq

Note: $500 prize to anyone who can explain why the Governator is pointing a weapon at a handicapped person

Top Secret: Dick I think Condi likes you. Do you like her back? y/n?

"I wonder if he likes me........"

The Governator: "I WILL DESTROY THIS GIRLIE TACO"

Bush practices his patented solution to dealing with the suffering of others

So it's come to this......

"This is how I solve all my problems."

Women indeed........

"Holy shit! A colored person!"

No administration has ever been so successful at mixing macho military gun-lust with homoeroticism

This is why we have elections: because we couldn't possibly make these people up. May God have mercy on all of our souls.

and father taught us boundaries...

Have you been looking to donate to moveon.org but, like me, are too apathetic and lazy to donate money without getting anything in return? I came close with the amazing Errol Morris switch ads, but, like most, I just couldn't crack my wallet.

Well, here is everyone's chance. This week only, Mission of Burma's vocalist/guitarist Roger Miller is selling off a chunk of his private Mission of Burma collection, both records and ephemera, on ebay. All proceeds go to moveon.org. As far as I can find moveon.org, coming out of their virtual yard sale, isn't shooting out an email or promoting this on their webpage, so I'm getting out the word here.

Because really, if the chance of owning Roger Miller's own acetate copy of "Signals, Calls & Marches" isn't going to get you to crack the piggy bank and donate, then nothing is.

today's health section(s): playing to your target market.

I like reading the New York Times online, if only for that magic moment that occurs every so often when you realize that it's core demographic makes over $100,000 a year. Usually that time is reserved for their Travel Magazine section, but today's Health Section gave me a whooper: How Young Is Too Young to Have a Nose Job and Breast Implants?

I love that parents need to be told the following statement from a doctor: "'Diet and exercise, not liposuction', he said, 'are the proper ways to treat excess weight in children.'" Really?

The article also highlights which ages are appropriate to begin having certain kinds of surgery done as the body of a teenager is going through puberty and changing all the time. "But they have found that nose growth ends earlier, and now do nose jobs, known as rhinoplasty, on girls at age 13 and boys at 14."

And if this following statement doesn't upset you it may mean you have no soul: "By the age of 6, kids can participate in the decision to have surgery and understand why it is being done." Quote the Dr. Steven J. Pearlman, a facial plastic surgeon in New York, whose potential financial interest I'm sure in no way conflicts with his medical advice.

I'd really rather you be a crack mom leaving their child home all day to play with hot pipes than encouraging and paying for your 6 year old to get a quick nip/tuck. I think the crack would be better in the long term for the well-being of your child.

Keeping with the theme of target demographics, this made me check out the Health Section of south-side favorite The Chicago Sun-Times today as well. Their lead story covers current sports medicine: ACL tears not what they used to be. It's funny, as the level of authority in tone and overall knowledge and presentation of medicine is significantly higher in the Sun Times article.

I will now give a summary of the following target markets. New York Times: how soon is too soon to give my child plastic surgery? Chicago Sun-Times: can a quarterback recover from a tear to his anterior cruciate ligament?

God bless the second city, everyone.

MOTOROLA'S MATHEMATICAL MAGICIANS

What follows, as hard as it may be to believe, is an authentic release of information by Motorola. Irrelevant portions of the release, which is quite long, have been removed:

Motorola to Cut 1,000 Jobs
September 28, 2004 12:00:00 PM ET
By Deborah Cohen

"This doesn't mean our work force number is going to go down,'' Weyrauch said, adding that the company continues to hire new workers.

Now, maybe I'm un-American and maybe my colors are running, but the last time I checked, laying off workers sort of implied that the number of people one employs would fall. Unless they're planning on hiring an additional 1,000 people in other areas within the immediate future - and they have indicated no intention to do so - then...well.....um.....the number of employees goes down, right?

They appear to be acting on the assumption that so long as they will - at some indeterminate point in the future - get back to the number of employees they have now, they are not really laying anyone off. So if a company lays a bunch of people off now, on the basis of the fact that at some point before 2095 they will likely be back to or exceed the current number of employees, they have not really laid anyone off.

Brilliant!