December 10, 2004
SO IT'S COME TO THIS
So, Michael Keaton, this is how it's going to be.
The following is the plot summary for Mr. Keaton's upcoming role in Herbie the Love Bug: Fully Loaded: "The classic white Volkswagen with a knack for helping couples hook up finds itself in the world of NASCAR racing."
What's the matter, Mike? Jack Frost royalties not quite enough to pay the bills these days?
December 09, 2004
YOU MEAN....HE USED STEROIDS?
1989 - Age 25 - 19 Home Runs
2001 - Age 38 - 73 Home Runs
I love how this whole thing simply confirms that the American public is incapable of understanding or accepting anything until it's spelled out, printed in 48-point font, repeated to them daily for a couple years, and accompanied by fingerprints and a signed confession.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
1. The kind who look at a hot stove and know not to touch it
2. The kind who look at a hot stove, call you a pussy for being afraid to touch it, and then look sincerely shocked when they get hurt.
3. The kind who touch it over and over and over, thinking "well it burned me last time but maybe this time it won't!"
The first kind make the world a pleasant place. The last kind are too stupid to cause problems for anyone but themselves. It's the second that cause all the problems, because they have to - oh, just for example - see a couple thousand dead bodies in another country before they start to understand that starting a war has consequences. The only thing worse than having to listen to their chorus of "NUH-UH! YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT! HOW DO YOU KNOW? HUH? HUH?" is having to listen to their bullshit indignation after reality becomes too patently obvious for their pea-sized brains to ignore any longer.
God bless America, the land of the complete inability to deductively reason.
December 08, 2004
RELIGIOUS CONSERVATIVES: THEY MUST BE REAL, BECAUSE I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
I would kill to be clever enough to make this shit up. But I can't, so please read this carefully with the reassuring knowledge that it is not some horrible, horrible dream.
On October 6, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) quoted an Associated Press story on his website under the title "Tax Cutter in Chief." What a snappy title! Here's a quick excerpt.
Bush signs Tax Relief Act
By DAVID PITT Associated Press Writer
The Associated Press
DES MOINES, Iowa
Bush introduced Mike and Sharla Hintz, a couple from Clive, whom he said benefited from his tax plan. Last year, because of the enhanced the child tax credit, they received an extra $1,600 in their tax refund, Bush said. With other tax cuts in the bill, they saved $2,800 on their income taxes.
Mike Hintz, a First Assembly of God youth pastor, said the tax cuts also gave him additional money to use for health care. He said he supports Bush's values. "The American people are starting to see what kind of leader President Bush is. People know where he stands," he said.
"Where we are in this world, with not just the war on terror, but with the war with our culture that's going on, I think we need a man that is going to be in the White House like President Bush, that's going to stand by what he believes."
Pretty standard Happy Horseshit press release, right? Some small-town pastor at a Protestant church supports Bush. Not exactly Pulitzer material. Fast forward to December 7:
Des Moines youth pastor is charged with the sexual exploitation of a child.
"KCCI learned that the married father of four recently turned himself in to Johnston police. Rev. Mike Hintz was fired from the First Assembly of God Church, located at 2725 Merle Hay Road, on Oct. 30. Hintz was the youth pastor there for three years. Police said he started an affair with a 17-year-old in the church youth group this spring."
I'm telling you, people. The louder they yell and the harder they thump the Bible, the more they're hiding. I can only hope and pray that the 17 year old is male. Because really, that would just be the trifecta of conservative hypocrisy: adulterous, homosexual statutory rape.
