THE MENTAL FANTASY WORLD OF MODERN CONSERVATISM

This story from noted left-wing mouthpiece Fox News is pretty revealing about the perpetual head-in-ass existence that exemplifies George Bush's America (tm). According to FEMA chief Michael Brown, the agency is "shocked" to see looting, violence, and general lawlessness impede relief efforts.

But Brown also acknowledged that little in the government's preparedness plan took into account the likelihood of lawlessness in such dire straits.

"Before the hurricane struck I came down here personally and rode the storm out in Baton Rouge," he said. "We had all of our rescue teams, the medical teams, pre-deployed, ready to go. ... The lawlessness, the crime that is occurring, did surprise us."

Appearing on ABC's "Good Morning America," the FEMA director said he "never thought I'd see" the lawlessness that has overtaken the city and interrupted emergency relief efforts.

So our multi-billion dollar Homeland Security disaster management plan never considered the fact that complete anarchy brings out the worst in people? Maintaining order wasn't considered a potential problem in the wake of a nuclear attack or massive natural disaster?

Good work, FEMA. When I think of major catastrophes, "orderly" is the first word that comes to mind.

MMM, THE SWEET TASTE OF BULLSHIT!

It's good to see that four years of garrison-state tactics in the name of Homeland Security were all for naught. The President created an entire Cabinet department to deal with large-scale emergencies, yet the situation in New Orleans is making it quite clear that the federal government couldn't handle a fire drill in a phone booth.

By now we've all seen and heard the story; lawlessness, stacks of corpses (in 90 degree heat, mind you), and tens of thousands of people herded into the New Orleans Convention Center and Superdome (the fact that I've been in both is just surreal and weird now) without food, water, supplies, or authority of any kind. No one is in control. No FEMA, no police, no National Guard, nothing. I understand that those individuals are in other parts of the city tending to other problems, but this shouldn't be a zero sum game.

There's no plan and no control over the evacuation process. People are intermittently herded onto buses, destination unknown. They have placed 50,000 people in two giant buildings and basically left them to their own devices. And yet some people are shocked to see looting and violence? What were they expecting? "We were confident that this angry mob could control itself and the corpses it is producing". An increased National Guard presence is promised, but should that take four or five days to arrive? As the city's disaster management chief says:

"This is a national emergency. This is a national disgrace," he said. "FEMA has been here three days, yet there is no command and control. We can send massive amounts of aid to tsunami victims, but we can't bail out the city of New Orleans."

Does anyone watching this cluster-fuck really feel confident that, despite the billions of dollars spent and endless fearmongering in the name of safety and preparedness, the government could deal with a city that was bombed? Attacked with chemical weapons? Nuclear?

Aren't those exactly the things that they've been telling you are ever so imminent for the last four years? "THE TERRORISTS WILL STRIKE, AND THEY WILL DO SO WITHOUT MERCY OR WARNING! Oh, and by the way, on the off-chance that does happen, we don't have a fucking clue how to deal with it. Perhaps we need a couple billion more in appropriations."

Excuse me, I don't "loot." I have a college degree.

yahoo photo number one:

Two residents wade through chest-deep water after finding bread and soda from a local grocery store after Hurricane Katrina came through the area in New Orleans, Louisiana.

yahoo photo number two:

A young man walks through chest deep flood water after looting a grocery store in New Orleans on Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005. Flood waters continue to rise in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina did extensive damage when it made landfall on Monday.

This one is too easy. I never knew "finding bread and soda from a local grocery store" could be made so innocuous or menacing based on the switching of one word and skin tone. For shame.

(shamelessly stolen from this quality livejournal)

TODAY'S FORECAST: 90% CHANCE OF STOCK FOOTAGE

I have this thing about the news media and hurricane coverage. Irrespective of the fact that The Big Stinky (New Orleans) is currently in the process of being washed out to sea, I still can't believe the way cable TV news conducts itself during these fiascoes.

Hurricanes have always been gold for the media. They’re slow (guaranteeing several days of fill), they’re destructive (guaranteeing good video), and generally considered to be terrifying. But not only is hurricane coverage unbearable in its quantity, the awful part is that it’s always the same; every channel, every year, every hurricane.

Blow-dried, pensive anchor in studio: “How’s it looking out there?”

Live shot of storm-addled and soaking wet correspondent (with obligatory background debris flying about): “It’s really really windy!”

Anchor: “OK, thanks for that report. We’ll have another live update in 15.”

From there, they cut to a meteorologist who will spend a few minutes pointing at a flashing, luminous satellite image of the storm moving towards the coast. Finally, the cycle ends with some stock footage of harried citizens buying jugs of water in grocery stores and boarding up windows or fleeing the area on gridlocked highways.

Cut to the human interest story about the retards intent on riding out the storm on their front porch, flashlight in one hand and Old Fashioned in the other. Cue the montage about past hurricanes (remember that wacky Andrew? Good times. Good times.) and bring out that clip of a wrinkled Asian scientist explaining the NOAA hurricane rating system. Did you know that a Category 4 has sustained winds of 131-155 mph? Well it's a goddamn fact.

Any force of man or nature that can level thousands of square miles of Florida or the deep south is a-o-fuckin'-k in my book. Have you seen rural Mississippi? The hurricanes can't come fast enough. Christ, let's drop a daisy cutter or two and help ol' Katrina out.

In closing, hurricanes and tornadoes are not random. They form when moist air masses from the Gulf of Mexico mix with NASCAR collectibles, the sound of Larry the Cable Guy, and the aroma of grits.