WELL AT LEAST THEM DAMN QUEERS AIN'T MARRYIN'

America (or, more specifically, Kansas) - the land where banging and marrying a 15 year old is considered morally acceptable while gay marriage remains a vile perversion of God's will.

Let's do a rank-ordering here of the morally preferable relationships.

1. Joyful Christian wedlock (consenting adults)

2. People who hate each other but realize that divorce is a sin

3. People who never liked one another in the first place but felt it was God's will that they marry a co-worker before child-bearing age passed them by

4. Adult marrying a 14-16 year old

5. Arranged marriage

6. Cohabitation with the potential of marriage

7. Cohabitation

8. Pederasty (among the ordained)

9. Pederasty (laymen)

10. Polygamy (a.k.a. "Mormon Hold'em")

11. Marriage to the Sea

12. Necrophilia (with former spouse)

13. Necrophilia (stranger)

14. Beastiality (mammalian)

15. Beastiality (non-mammalian)

16. Necrophiliac beastiality

17. Gay domestic partnership

Any questions?

OK, LET'S GO OVER THIS REAL FUCKING SLOWLY

This is the United States. It is the same United States map that has been in use for the past half-century. In fact, the continental portion of it has been unchanged since the admission of Arizona to our union in 1912.

I will give you a minute to study it.

Apparently the majority of college students have never seen this map before today. National Geographic and Roper have done a survey and found, to almost no one's surprise, that geography is yet another subject in which American college students are fucking retards.

For the record and before we get started, my nephew is 3 and can put together an entire floor-map puzzle of the United States. And when I hold up one of the state quarters, he tells me the state and it's motto. "Uncle Ed, that's Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes."

He's 3.

Thirty-three percent of college students, however, can't find Louisiana. Hurricane Katrina must not have helped, because LA is much harder for them to find than Ohio (which is identifiable to a whopping 50%) and New York (43%).

Don't even get me started on how they fared with the global map. Let's just say it isn't pretty, and 75% of them think English is the most widely spoken native language on Earth. Read the link for yourself if you're curious about whether or not they can find India, Iraq, or Israel (hint: they can't).

Am I being an unfair elitist here? What the fuck is so fucking hard about this? Let's start with some basics. Up in the northeast (that's the top right hand side of the map. Your right hand is....no, the other hand. Look, put both hands out in front of you, palms away, and stick your thumbs out. The one that makes an "L" is your left) we have Vietnam (VT). It is bordered by New Holland (NH) and Macedonia (MA). Its capital is Na Trang. Many Americans fought and died there in the 1970s.

The big purple one at the bottom is Mexico (TX - in Mexican, "M" looks like "T"). It is our #1 trading partner aside from China (CA). To China's north is the Orient (OR) and the state of Las Vegas (NV) is nestled to its east (right). The states Alaska (AK), Hawaii (HI), Praetoria (PR), and Vincent (VI) are all islands that float around the United states, which is itself an island.

I hope this has been informative. Dipshits.

CALL GREENSPAN! WHIP OUT THE PRINTING PRESS!

Boy, it's really funny how other governments have to pay some attention to their budgets and operate in the mental realm of "real money" rather than fantasy.

This week promises to be an unanticipated vacation for many residents of our colonial bombing range/non-state neighbors in Puerto Rico. Their government has shut down over an acute budget shortfall and inability to raise emergency revenue.

Those silly brown people! Don't they understand the American Way of solving massive budget shortfalls?

1. Print more money

2. Have the government borrow massively against the "faith and credit" of itself, the very same government that needs to borrow against its own faith and credit because it's broke

3. Print a couple billion in treasury obligations. Sell to China. Decry trade deficit, foreign investment, and plummeting value of the dollar. Repeat.

Unbelievable! Silly Puerto Rico. No wonder it's not a real state. They're going into full crisis mode over a $740 million shortfall. Pussies! Here in the mainland, we piss through that amount in Iraq in about 12 days. Psh. Three-quarters of a lousy billion dollars. Hell, you wouldn't even need an emergency appropriation - you could just tack a rider on to something else for an amount that piddling.