THREE TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS ITEMS

Item #1: Burger King now offers a sandwich called the Stacker which proudly proclaims "No Veggies Allowed." The sandwich features 4 beef patties, 4 slices of cheese, 8 strips of bacon, and something called "Stackers Sauce." The nutritional payload? 1000 calories, 68g of fat, 240mg cholesterol, and 1800mg of sodium. Combined with a large fries, this "meal" more than doubles the RDA of every dangerous dietary component known to man.

Note the "Make it Beef" logo. Catchy slogan, guys. Catchy.

Item #2: Hardee's now offers the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger - essentially a giant cheeseburger with a pile of sliced beef, cheese, and sauces on top of the beef patty. The damage? 930 calories, 63g fat, 135mg cholesterol, and 1750mg sodium. Fortunately for Hardee's patrons, this new sandwich is practically diet food compared to the nearly-incomprehensible Monster Thickburger (1410 calories, 107g fat (!!!), 229mg cholesterol, 2740mg sodium).

Yeah, that looks tasty

Item #3: Massachusetts surgeons and medical researchers announce that an increasing number of Americans are far too fat to fit in MRI tubes or yield adequate x-rays and ultrasounds. GE and other manufacturers are set to reap windfall profits by selling new multi-million dollar MRI machines to hospitals under the guise that the new machines are better for claustrophobes. If, of course, by "claustrophobes" you mean morbidly obese people.

Remember, these three news items are of interest individually but in no way related to one another.

REASONS TO LIVE, VOL. 1

I've been waiting four years, but on August 21 the world finally gets a new Giddy Motors album. Posthumously, of course. We all know that no British band can possibly stay together for more than two albums.

Listen to the single "Early Morning Pipe" (choose "new & forthcoming" on the pull-down audio menu, top right). Might want to have a change of underwear handy.