A CONGRESSIONAL FIRST

Extreme right-wing positions on "social issues" are directly correlated to the number of skeletons a public figure has in his or her proverbial closet. Don't argue with it - it's science. So this surprises no one. And the story is such an obvious, easy punching bag that it would be fruitless to make fun of it here.

Foley reminds his constituents to SEND N00DZ KTHX. PWNED!

What is noteworthy, however, is the way the internet has forever changed the art of cruising for boy ass. The fact that this incident took place via email and chat rooms hits pretty close to home for members of my generation. People who spend a lot of time online and/or become part of a particular internet "community" are all well aware of the omnipresence of thoroughly creepy males who are probably a lot older than their profiles indicate. That said male turns out to be a Republican congressman - well, that's the kind of shit you just can't make up. Comedy gold, that's what it is.

ON AGING

One day you're young and you think yourself relatively cool. Then suddenly you're 27 and BitTorrenting episodes of Frontline. When the fuck did this happen?

On a slightly less geriatric note, the new Giddy Motors is about 1000x better than I expected. And I already expected it to rock my ass so hard that I'd walk funny for a week. It's not out in the US until October, but go crazy Soulseeking it anyway.

SPEAK UP, BOBBY!

I've been meaning to post this for a while, so forgive me if it strikes you as slightly old news. By now I assume you've seen the Bob Dylan iPod commercial. For those fortunate enough to have missed it, empty the contents of your stomach now:

When I first beheld this monstrosity, I'm not ashamed to say that my first thought was "I'm glad Bill Hicks is not alive to see this." I'd have to imagine that this (combined with his boy Keith Richards' participation in the massive cash grab that is the last 20 years of Rolling Stones history) would disillusion him so deeply that he'd give up on comedy, wander off into the desert, and never be seen again. True, he's already never to be seen again, but at least he died without this kick in the nutsack.

To Mr. Dylan, speak up. I can't hear you with satan's cock in your mouth. I mean, what's the matter, you don't have enough money? You need to rock out for Apple? "Hey everyone, I'm noted countercultural icon/profiteer Bob Dylan. It turns out that 'Maggie's Farm' is really about buying $300 piece-of-shit fashion accessories with non-replaceable batteries that die in about a year. Rock on, and don't trust the man!"

And remember kids, nothing says "rebel" quite like paying for mp3s on iTunes.com!

Oh, and need I even ask what the fuck is up with the "song" he's singing here? It's almost as bad as his acting. Don't spend all of Apple's money in one place, dickhead. Looks like you need to start putting aside some money for a casket.

PRETEND IT MATTERS

In most states the deadline to register to vote is approximately 1 month prior to a given election. That gives you something like 5-7 days to sneak in for the 2006 Election taking place on November 7.

GoVote.org offers simple print-and-mail forms pre-addressed to the relevant voter registration officials based on your address. I know the process of registering and voting is more costly than it should be in this country, but this website comes pretty close to taking those costs down to zero.

Remember, if you have moved since the last election - even within the same town or state - you need to re-register at your new address or you will not be allowed to vote.