SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: IT'S NOT JUST FOR SENATE MAJORITY LEADERS ANYMORE

Move over, Bill Frist. Don't worry, I won't steal any of your camera time, nor will I cut into your keynote address at the Inbred Bible Thumper convention this weekend. But I have a message that is every bit as urgent as your plaintive ass-kissing in preparation for 2008.

For those of you who don't know - and I will assume that to include everyone - I have been drafted into service by a Prominent Local Band known as Tremendous Fucking (or "TremFu" for PG-13 purposes). The band is rather ass-kicking, although I can assure you this has little to do with me. The Obligatory Bands You Know Analogy would probably the Jesus Lizard and Trenchmouth knife-fighting for the right to sodomize the Pixies. Band rules require pseudonyms, so I am to be known as Grover Cleveland Steamer, a name that combines my two greatest loves: political history and scatalogical humor.

This band tends to go through drummers like Spinal Tap, so it may be more appropriate to call me Mick Shrimpton or Stumpy Joe. In any case, please patronize this band soon, i.e. before they kick me out in August.

Our ass-blasting new album, Thanks for Nothing, is available for the entirely reasonable cost of five American dollars from Higher Step Records. For those wishing to celebrate our entire catalog, please consider shelling out a few more hard-earned dollars for the debut album How's My Fucking? on the same label. Or if you're really feeling punchy, email us for a "How's My Fucking? Dial 1-800-TREMENDOUS" bumper sticker.

Ginandtacos.com will soon be providing information on our exciting, continent-spanning World Tour, on which our live performances will answer questions such as "How many times can the f-word be used in 20 minutes?" and "What's that smell?" Until then (and if you're a huge tool who can't shell out $5 to support the rock) satiate yourself with mp3s of our multi-zirconium hits Now Look What You've Done and Just Like Burt Fucking Reynolds.

Dear England: What the fuck is wrong with you?

While we here at ginandtacos are still confused by the logic employed by three amateur film makers utilizing fluorescent lights and gasoline to make lightsabers, those of you in the United Kingdom aren't sitting on your laurels. It would seem that you have become insanely jealous of the special breed of stupidity that has until recently called the United States home.

Not to be outdone by American drunken, ridiculous behavior, two men in London seem to have become stuck in the mud.

Apparently, in the middle of some midday bender this British fellow decides that he desperately needs to walk to the edge of the Thames. Because, you know, they were going to frolic in the water... or something. Obviously my first reaction to this story was that these two men were clearly American tourists. However, this was apparently native British idiocy.

Thats right, it is the kind of idiocy where after one drunken man decided to walk to the river and get stuck in the mud, his friend figured he was in possession of special "but I can walk ON TOP OF THE MUD" powers. Yes, he proceeded to go out after the first guy. One can't fully understand this reasoning, but one nearby houseboat resident described them as "definitely drunk" and proclaimed the situation to be "pretty funny". I am glad that at least on this point we are in agreement.

Use the force young Skywalker- oh, and some gasoline and fluorescent lights.

As citizens of the United States, the authors of Ginandtacos.com have always prided themselves on living in the coutry that is one of the world leaders in bad ideas. Whether that be Prohibition or electing George Bush a second time, we have always been on the forefront.

While we in the United States sat idly by and only used gasoline for powering sport utility vehicles and disposing of the occasional incriminating document, a British trio has taken creative liscense with this flammable liquid and used it to create "lightsabers".

I will be the first to admit that I am not the most avid follower of Star Wars movies, but I don't recall lightsabers looking like they were on fire. Despite this, I am fairly certain the logic went something like this:

Although it seems sick and wrong to laugh at these two amateur "filmmakers" injuries, I am not sure if they have left us with much choice. I mean honestly, they filled a glass tube with gasoline and then exposed it to open flames. Perhaps in England this qualifies as lightsaber, but in the rest of the world it is called a bomb.

That said, I hope that authorities don't eventually release the footage of this "scene". I really think that it is in my best interest not to see this happen.