COMING SOON: FLYING TIPS FROM JFK JUNIOR

What, too soon?

Well as ridiculous as it would be for a man who died in a plane crash to write a book giving pointers to others, I think the world is about to see the next best thing. Bob "The Kiss of Death" Shrum is writing a book revealing his innermost thoughts on a blueprint to victory for progressive and liberal politics in this country. How scintillating!

You may recall "The Kiss of Death" as the political consultant who has run eight Presidential campaigns for Democrats since 1970.....and lost every single one. The mastermind behind such electoral juggernauts as McGovern, Ted Kennedy '80, Dukakis, Gore, and Kerry is about to enlighten us. Please, bestow upon us your fucking pearls of wisdom.

You're kidding, right Bob? You're fuckin' kidding me. Seriously.

This is the man who put Michael Dukakis in a pith helmet and a tank, telling him it would make him look tough. This is the man who talked McGovern into expanding his policy proposals until 50% of the adult population would be eligible for some form of public assistance. He helped Ted Kennedy cripple Jimmy Carter in his own party. And worst of all, he oversaw two of the worst-run campaigns in the history of Presidential politics and watched his candidates twice lose to the semi-literate son of a 1-termer from a decade earlier.

My question, and I couldn't get an answer out of anyone in 2000 or 2004, is how in the fuck does this guy keep getting hired? Did Gore and Kerry really sit around asking "Say, you know what we need? A little of that Dukakis magic!" or has Shrum somehow convinced people that none of these failed campaigns were his fault?

Republicans ought to set up a charitable foundation and pay this asshole millions to keep working on Democratic campaigns. One way or another, you almost have to admire the sheer gall of an eight-time loser writing a far-flung, philosophizing tome about the soul of liberal politics in America. I know I'll be looking forward to his book, due out in 2006 and conveniently located in the Humor section of your local bookstore. Or wait until 2007 and get it out of the dollar clearance pile.

TREMENDOUS FLUFFY NEEDS YOUR HELP

Tremendous Fucking has been lucky enough to receive an invitation to play at a benefit concert for the victims of the recent tornado in Evansville, Indiana. As the band includes an Evansville native, it seems fitting. But beyond that it's a great opportunity because a couple of the other bands - namely Murder by Death and Mock Orange - figure to bring in a crowd in the hundreds. So it's a great opportunity as well as something that figures to be an assload of fun.

Here's the rub.

Given the charitable nature of the event, a variety of religious and non-profit groups are involved with its planning. As such our participation is conditional upon cooperation with a PG-13 rule. We're billed exclusively as "TremFu" and can't refer to ourselves by our God-given name. But beyond that, we're faced with the challenge of cleaning up or radio-editing our most popular songs in a very short period of time. Somehow we must sanitize such Christian campfire sing-a-long favorites as: