I HATE EVERY APE I SEE, FROM CHIM-PAN-A TO CHIMPANZEE

"Troy, it's MacArthur Parker.....I've got a hot part for you. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?"
"The movie or the planet?"
"The new Broadway musical starring you as...the human."
"IT'S THE ROLE I WAS BORN TO PLAY!"

There comes a time in every man's life at which he realizes, "Yes, this is clearly the role I was born to play." Replace "man" with "band" and you could say that moment has arrived for Tremendous Fucking.

Mark the calendars, kids. On Saturday, April 29 at the fabulous Second Story Nightclub in even-more-fabulous Bloomington the annual Monroe County Humane Association benefit show sets the stage aflame with rock awesomeness. I could give you a list of bands and urge you to come. That might persuade you and it might not. But before you decide, try this on: the show has been painstakingly organized as a Touch & Go tribute.

MacArthur Parker called us and said "Ever hear of the Jesus Lizard?" to which we replied "The son of God or the reptile?" After a moment's confusion, it suddenly became clear that we are now the Jesus Lizard. At least for one night. It is beyond any shadow of a doubt the role we were born to play.

While this should be more than enough to convince you to cancel the prom, call a babysitter, sell your home, and come to the show I'd be remiss if I didn't add that also appearing will be Brainiac (Sump Pumps) and Shellac (Push-Pull). Who knows, some other surprise guests may end up on stage as well.

With no false modesty, I can't begin to tell you how much ass this is going to rock. I'm giving you an unconditional "No bands-who-didn't-practice" guarantee, which is crucial to the execution of any tribute show. We have been sequestered in the TremLair diligently pounding away at a face-melting selection of JL songs.

If you close your eyes, you can almost picture David Yow wagging his exposed genitals in your face. Upon opening them you will be relieved to find out that it is merely a clothed Pat Hawkins.

THE THREE-DAY WEEKEND, ILLINOIS-WISCONSIN STYLE

Welcome back to work, Illinois and Wisconsin.

"But Ed," say the rest of our viewers, "today is Tuesday. Please lay off the pipe." With this comment you betray your non-midwestern heritage. Be not ashamed. Allow me to enlighten you.

The first Monday of March is, in select states, Kasimir Pulaski Day. On this day one does no work, nor does one attend school. It is a state holiday set aside for the express purpose of honoring with sausage the life of an important Revolutionary War icon.

In the 18th Century thin mustaches indicated masculinity. Today they indicate Frenchness.

Count Kasimir Pulaski was born near Warsaw in 1745 into Polish nobility. An ardent lover of freedom, he fought on the side of Poland, Lithuania, and other parts of the Slavic world in their war against the Russian Tsar. He maintained his revolutionary zeal and, at the conclusion of the Russian conflict, he emigrated to the American colonies to aid their fight against British tyranny.

Pulaski was the innovator of many cavalry tactics that remain in military use to this day. The title of the most brilliant cavalry strategist of all time is usually given to Nathan Bedford Forrest, but Forrest founded the KKK. Pulaski didn't. Advantage: polack.

After playing an important role in several Revolutionary War battles, often fighting alongside Washington, Pulaski was mortally wounded in Savannah, Georgia. He died shortly thereafter. Interestingly, his remains have never been conclusively accounted for. Various accounts have him buried at sea, cremated, interred in a Georgia plantation field, or returned to his native Poland.

Pour a Zywiec in honor of our homie (is Old Style more appropriate at this point?) proclaiming "This goes out to all my polaxxx." Others may think your behavior strange, but it is natural for people to criticize what they can never hope to understand.

POLITICAL GAMESMANSHIP 101

Many people (including several students who have just emailed me) wonder how/why in the heck South Dakota just enacted a piece of legislation banning abortion in the state. In other words, how can a state law exist in contradiction to a federal one?

This law is what we call a "ringer" for the court system. The law was passed for the sole purpose of being immediately challenged in court, thereby giving the federal court system an opportunity to pass judgment on it. After all, the Supreme Court can't reverse its precedent without having a case on which to rule, can it?

Isn't it an amazing coincidence that they introduced (and subsequently passed) this bill into the legislature immediately after Samuel Alito was confirmed? Amazing. The planets must have been lined up or something.

Rosa Parks' act of civil disobedience was elaborately staged and organized by civil rights groups. Everyone knew the policies in place, and they knew that the best remedy was the legal system. They just needed a plaintiff. A ringer, if you will - a person to carry the complaints of everyone who had been affected by segregation into the federal courts.

South Dakotans are not stupid. They know that this law is unconstitutional. By passing it anyway, they're rolling the dice that the court might be willing to reconsider its established precedent rather than simply rejecting the law out of hand. Best of luck to them and the myriad interest groups who put them up to it and finally have their ringer on which to expend millions of dollars in legal defense.