CRITICAL (M)ASS

How deep into the barrel of things to cover/sample must we dig before modern hip-hop artists are forced to actually start writing their own songs?

Every 6 months, something new comes out and causes me to say "OK, it can't really get worse than this." Then a few months later, it gets worse. To wit: Trick Daddy's homage to the Talking Heads' "Sugar." I am convinced that this song is personally responsible for Jesus refusing to come back for another couple of years. He turned to God and said "Did you hear that fuckin' song, dad? I'm not going back. These people don't deserve to be saved."

Then came the Black Eyed Peas cover of "Misrilou." Well, let's just say every Black Eyed Peas song counts. Have they ever done anything that wasn't a cover? Are they even a real band or are they just a CGI-animated corporate logo created to endorse every product on Earth?

And now, we've reached endgame: Gnarls Barkley covering noted hip-hop icons and pioneers the Violent Femmes. If you have been staying up nights thinking that the world needs a sorta-rapped version of "Gone Daddy Gone," prepare to sleep easy.

In light of this aggressively awful monstrosity, I think ginandtacos needs to start a pool guessing the next unlikely song to be turned into a hip-hop smash. The Kingston Trio's "Sloop John B?" Or how about a little ABBA? "Fernando" perhaps? Or maybe we can delve into the catalog of the 70s horn bands. Chicago? I'm putting good money on a 50 Cent version of "If You Leave Me Now."

I kid, I kid. Everyone mentioned herein is a great musician, and I'm just jealous of their phenomenal talents.

YAWWWWWWWWWWN

I'm bored to death with far right-wing social conservatives turning out to be closet queers, wife beaters, drunks, pedophiles, or adulterers. It's so damn predictable. If you haven't quite figured it out yet, please realize one thing: anyone that far to the right is hiding something. Period.

So apparently Ted Haggard, President of the National Association of Evangelicals, likes the gay hookers. And meth. It's nearly impossible for me to summon up the strength to mock him and point out the hypocrisy. Wow, another virulently anti-gay Jerry Falwell knockoff secretly likes the dick. Haven't we heard this before?

Tell me I've been bad

What the fuck is wrong with these people? It's like they can't get it up unless they think that whatever sex act they're about to consummate is going to condemn them to hell.

"Hey congregation! Gay marriage is a sick, perverse sin!" (*Oooh, I'm a dirty dog. Tell me I'm a bad boy....*)

"Be sure to vote Republican, folks!" (*Oooh, I'm a nasty liar...you better punish me, Mr. Gay Hooker*)

"Marriage is between a man and a woman! Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" (*Mmmmm, I love it when you make me lick your balls*)

Something tells me that in about 20 years, christian fundamentalism is going to be considered a fetish rather than a religion. It's obviously less an interpretation of the Bible than it is a precondition to its adherents getting hard.

CAN'T SPELL 'COMEDY' WITHOUT 'HARD GAY'

About a month ago, someone asked me if there were any (living) comedians I actually like. For someone who is a comedian, said person was understandably confused by the fact that I apparently hate every comedian on Earth. David Cross? So fuckin' overrated, it hurts. Dane Cook? Get me a rifle. Carlos Mencia? I've taken shits that made me laugh more. Lewis Black? Basically a decade-long version of Chris Farley's "van down by the river" character that struggled to stay funny for 3 minutes.

Basically, modern stand-up comedy is a group of people who are so f'n bad as a whole that anyone who's even halfway decent (Sarah Silverman, Cross, LouisCK, Eddie Griffin, Daniel Tosh) ends up being treated like the reincarnation of Lenny Bruce. Yes, they're funny. No, they're not anything special.

So I'm losing a lot of faith in stand-up. Mostly because I blow at it, but moreso because everyone else seems to blow at it too these days. For some strange reason, I've been getting most of my giggles out of people with bizarre and/or retarded comedy alter-ego characters. Sort of like Sacha Baron Cohen, only, you know, funny. What? FUCK YOU. No. He's not funny. Borat isn't funny - it's Yakov Smirnov with a big budget. Ali G isn't funny. And go watch "Talladega Nights" if you REALLY need proof of how piss-poor this man's comedic skills are. Just marvel at how everything on screen dies every time he opens his mouth. Amazing, really.

Anyway.

I love Hard Gay. Go ahead and take that last sentence out of context, please. Hard Gay (aka Masakai Sumitani) is the kind of ridiculous shit that Americans think of when we think of Japanese TV. I spent the better part of this past summer watching Hard Gay clips on YouTube. Whether he's using his skills to help out local businesses, reminding Japan of the importance of Father's Day, interacting uncomfortably with children, or engaging in Hard Gay Social Improvement, this man is just plain hilarious. Of course you also get the comedy bonus of awkward Engrish translation. The character is offensive and completely demeaning to gays. And funny.

On a completely different note, I'm almost as obsessed with Nardwuar lately. Canadian comedian and complete jackass John Ruskin (yes, his parents really named him John Ruskin) legally changed his name to Nardwuar the Human Serviette years ago - and when anyone calls him John, he points out (loudly) that no one calls Iggy Pop "James Osterberg." Basically, this guy is really, REALLY annoying until you reach some tipping point at which you realize he's brilliant. He's an ambush interviewer who focuses on politicians and musicians. He's also intelligent as shit and likes to freak people out by asking them questions about obscure aspects of their past. He gets a lot of "how the fuck did you find out about that?" looks. A lot. He also gets threatened with physical violence a lot. The best moments come when he interviews unsuspecting people who don't know whether to take him seriously or call the cops. His interview with Panic at the Disco is priceless.

What? You need a stand-up fix? Fine. Russell Peters. He'll be huge soon, I promise.

THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL

As of this morning, I have been alive for 28 years. Quite a miracle, when you stop to think about it. At the close of the 19th century, the global life expectancy for a male was 35 years. In ancient Rome and Greece, life expectancy was 28 years (so Jesus both died young and beat the odds by 5 years). Today, in the three lowest life expectancy nations of sub-Saharan Africa (Swaziland, Lesotho, and Botswana) the average male can expect 32 years on this Earth - compared to 81 in Japan or 77 in the US of A.

Furthermore, my status as a free man here in 'merica is equally remarkable. If you take the cohort of african-american males born in any given year and then check back on them in 28 years, 22% of them will be dead or incarcerated. For white males, the same figure is 4%. Thanks, entrenched social inequality!

I could recount the extensive list of great people who accomplished great things and checked out before they turned 28, but suffice it to say that birthdays cease to be fun once you get out of college. Aside from the fact that you end up working on 5 out of every 7 birthdays after that point, it turns into a rather melancholy reminder that you're A) getting closer to dying and B) you haven't really accomplished anything. No one actually expects you to have done anything when you turn 19. But turning 28 - or 30, or 35, or 40 - and saying "Wow, I make minimum wage and can't really point to anything noteworthy I've done"....well, that's just not worth celebrating.

So here's to 28 years of me. One year closer to losing my hair. If nothing else, I'll celebrate by considering the fact that the national GOP is having to spend millions to protect House seats in Wyoming, Nebraska, and Idaho to be a birthday gift from the Lord. I'll consider the fact that I have to start teaching a 3-hour night class tonight (after my regular 75-minute lecture) to be....what's the opposite of a gift from the Lord?

Oh, right: a swift kick in the nads.