WORDS FAIL ME

To paraphrase Paul Westerberg, if this isn't the worst thing I've ever seen than I guess it's the best.

NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2

So there's apparently a new show on Discovery called "Man vs. Wild." There are so many things wrong with it that I hardly know where to begin.

The show is hosted by some testosterone experiment gone wrong named "Bear Grylls." First of all, that is the worst fake name this side of Vin Diesel. Second of all, he is pretty much a complete ass pirate. I can only hope that some tragic accident will befall him and preclude this show from returning for a second season.

The premise of the show is that Mr. Grylls indulges a lot of puerile, 13 year old GI Joe fantasies by using MacGyver/Boy Scout-esque "survival" techniques to "conquer" and otherwise quasi-sexually dominate nature. You know, crap like starting fires by rubbing sticks together, trapping wild animals, making elaborate contraptions out of twigs, and of course eating raw insects. It is essentially the most asinine thing ever.

Not only is it not very entertaining, but he does the world a disservice by perpetuating the myth that one "prepares" for outdoor adventures by learning arcane tricks that are almost certain to result in your death in an emergency situation. Now I am in no way a master outdoorsman, but I have learned quite a bit in my occasional forays into undeveloped North America. Therefore, in an effort to combat the harm Mr. Grylls' idiocy has done to public awareness, I have prepared a short quiz:

1. How do you start a fire when stranded outdoors?

A: Using the cheap, disposable lighter you were smart enough to bring.

B: Rubbing twigs together for 3 hours

2. On a mountain-climbing trip, you and your group become stranded in a harsh winter storm. How do you signal for help?

A: Call the state police on your cell/Sat phone.

B: Make smoke signals that no one will ever see

3. What is the rule for identifying edible (i.e. non-poisonous) leaves and tree fruits?

A: What the fuck are eating leaves for? Eat the food you were smart enough to bring with you. What kind of idiot goes hiking without food?

B: Leaves of three, let it be!

4. If you are lost in a deserted area, how do you find your way back out?

A: Using the GPS unit you wisely invested $150 in before heading out into Middle of Nowhere, Alaska. Or, failing that, a 99-cent compass and a map. Dumbass.

B: Identifying the constellations and finding the Osiris star cluster.

I hope this has been informative.

WHAT PART OF "IT'S NOT LIKE VIETNAM" DON'T YOU GET?

The Boston Globe has a neat little piece about soldiers' reactions to the "Iraq Study Group" recommendations. Of course, it doesn't bear repeating that the group's recommendations are A) pitifully watered down and B) almost certain to be used as toilet paper in the White House. I can't call him out by name because he happens to be affiliated with my University, but let's just say I'd really like to put my foot in the ass of the "Democratic" co-chair of the ISG panel. He's one of those Lieberman/Zell Miller douchebags who is used to christen projects like this with the window-dressing illusion of bipartisanship.

I find this quote particularly cute:

"In Iraq, we try to win the hearts and minds of population," said Dow, 32, of Chicago. "They want Americans out of here. They blame us for all their problems. They look at us as the terrorists and then they turn around and help the terrorists who are trying to kill us."

Nope, that doesn't sound like Vietnam at all! Boy do I feel better now. That quote certainly couldn't pass for a soldier's commentary in 1968 if you replaced "terrorists" with "Viet Cong!"

SEND LAWYERS, GUNS, AND MONEY

Please evaluate the following potential album titles for A) awesomeness and B) likelihood of resulting in litigation.

What Kobe Wants, Kobe Gets

Guns n' Roses Presents: Chinese Democracy

The first is more clearly libelous, but by withholding a surname we (arguably) are not directly defaming Mr. Bryant's impeccable moral character.

The latter choice seems more likely to result in letters from attorneys, because I think we can all safely assume that Axl has absolutely no money left. None. And he just seems like the kind of guy who would sue a lot anyway (let the 2002 MTV VMA performance serve as evidence - watch on an empty stomach).

By the way, what happens if China is in fact substantially democratic by the time Chinese Democracy finally gets released? I realize that's more of an "if" than a "when" but there's something undeniably awkward about ironic album titles rendered unironic by actual events.

(OK, did you watch the VMA "performance" clip? I haven't seen that in 5 years, and I recall thinking it was the worst, most painful thing I had ever seen. My opinion hasn't changed with the passage of time.)

OBITUARY

It is with great sadness that I pass along the following news:

The Baron Doodle von Taintstain, 2ish, of Bloomington, beloved pet of Rancho Relaxo, has passed away. His passing was painless and in his sleep. The likely cause is the landlord's refusal to fix the broken furnace in a timely manner, allowing indoor temperatures to drop below 40 degrees.

He is survived by his owner, Liz, and premarital step-owner, Ed. Services will be held tonight in the guest bathroom of their home. In lieu of flowers, please donate to the Sierra Club.

I <3 EXPERIMENTS

I don't know who Jerry Klein is, but he's officially on my short list of heroes.

Apparently he's a DC-area radio host who kicked off an hour-long segment of his show by announcing that all Muslims in the United States should carry special ID cards and be marked with either a visible crescent tattoo or a red armband.

Sounds a little....out there, doesn't it? Not according to the listeners! Among a smattering of callers who told Klein he's out of his mind, supportive callers made comments such as:

"Not only do you tattoo them in the middle of their forehead but you ship them out of this country ... they are here to kill us."

"What good is identifying them? You have to set up encampments like during World War Two with the Japanese and Germans."

It wasn't until the end of the show, after an hour of hearing DC's finest share their helpful hints on how best to mitigate the "threat in our midst" that Klein revealed that he had pulled a fast one on his right-wing listeners. He explained that his "proposal" was in fact a hoax, and then offered his response:

"I can't believe any of you are sick enough to have agreed for one second with anything I said."

"For me to suggest to tattoo marks on people's bodies, have them wear armbands, put a crescent moon on their driver's license on their passport or birth certificate is disgusting. It's beyond disgusting."

"Because basically what you just did was show me how the German people allowed what happened to the Jews to happen ... We need to separate them, we need to tattoo their arms, we need to make them wear the yellow Star of David, we need to put them in concentration camps, we basically just need to kill them all because they are dangerous."

Jerry Klein, you f'n rule.