I'D BETTER WRAP UP THE RIGHTS TO THE BOOK OF DEUTERONOMY

Posted in Rants on August 9th, 2005 by Ed

Nothing makes one feel more empty, soulless, and already dead quite like the new Hollywood trend of re-making anything and everything. It's depressing enough when they crank out original dreck (Collateral, Wedding Crashers); offering big screen versions of old sitcoms (Charlie's Angels, Dukes of Hazzard, the Mod Squad, etc etc ad infinitum) and old stories (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Peter Pan) adds insult to injury.

Let's be honest – it can't be that hard to write a script for a new, original, and horrendous movie that will rocket straight to #1 at the box office. What, like it took a convention of the world's ten greatest living authors to crank out Must Love Dogs or Men in Black? Yet no matter how simple the "let's make a Vin Diesel movie that will break $100 million" formula is, Hollywood still strains under the weight of the artistic burden. So they steal. They re-make. They sequel. They Adapt Things for the Big Screen. Video games, Disneyland rides, comics, TV, pop fiction novels, Shakespeare….if it's not bolted to the ground, they'll take it and make a movie out of it.

With one old piece of classic fiction currently wallowing in the top 10 among current releases (War of the Worlds) it's only fitting that we predict classic literature to be the next area strip-mined for ideas that these people are entirely too stupid to think of on their own. Lots of classics already have older film versions – so what? Make'em again.

Lest you think I'm pulling this out of my ass, I submit: Robert Zemeckis and Roger Avary are producing a big-screen version of Beowulf. Yes, Beowulf. Beo-fucking-wulf. The very same one you nearly jammed two pencils up your nostrils while trying to read in high school. The same one that is barely readable and details a story that really isn't even mildly exciting.

I can think of no adjectives in English to describe how tired, pathetic, desperate, and intellectually retarded the people running these studios must be if they're digging up Beowulf for Next Summer's Action Blockbuster. Charlie's Angels 3 would be dignified in comparison. Then again, so would Carrot Top Presents: 90 Minutes of Fart Noises and Blows to the Groin.