How not to run for the senate

"Hi my name is Jack Ryan. It is my promise to the voters of the Illinois that if elected I will work to privatize schools, get funding for a missle defense shield, and lower tax rates on corporate earnings. And it is also my promise that if you vote for me this November, my ex-wife and I will personally show up to your house and have sex on your bed while you watch and take pictures. That's the Jack Ryan promise."

That's of course a parody ad. Sort of. Big news in chicagoland: the recently released divorce papers of Illinois senate candidate Jack Ryan, state that Mr. Ryan tried to get his ex-wife, actress Jeri Ryan, to have sex in "sex clubs" in Paris and New York. In the following excerpt, "respondent" is Mr. Ryan:

"The clubs in New York and Paris were explicit sex clubs. Respondent had done research. Respondent took me to two clubs in New York during the day. One club I refused to go in. It had mattresses in cubicles. The other club he insisted I go to."

Wow. This senate race in Illinois is shaping up to be a virtually "how-to" book on running for office:

Lesson One: Don't Beat Your Wife. Else we'd probably be sitting here talking about Blair Hull.

Lesson Two: If you want to be a Common-Sense Midwestern, Do Not Go to Sex Clubs in New York and Paris. Is there anything more alienating and upsetting to mid-west Republicans than just the existence of New York and Paris? Not to even mention the idea idea of their Golden Boy sneaking into a loft in the meatpacking district filled with soiled mattresses.

I was really upset that the Obama campaign had never gotten back to me about volunteering. Guess it doesn't matter much. I have a friend who works in a small-town illinois newspaper, and he gets weekly press releases from Ryan. And every single one just talks about how elite and socialist and evil Obama is to the voters. For someone who is counting on taking some sort of morality lead with voters south of I-80, well, he doesn't have to worry about that very much. Because as much as Republicans in chicagoland may possibly be ok with this news, once you get to Carbondale I think voters may be a bit more judgemental.

Last thought: like most things it's the reaction that's important. Evidently (check the suntimes link above) he spent much of the weekend and past week (and entire election) assuring Republicans, who in Illinois are very shell-shocked these days from scandal, that there was nothing to worry about in that file. It so reminds me of Clinton telling all of his secretaries and spokespeople to bunt for him as he was clearly innocent of any wrongdoing. Man does that bite you in the ass – Republicans are already looking into whether or not they can switch candidates. And Bush is defintely not coming to Illinois to support Ryan. Even if Ryan lets him watch.

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14 Responses to “How not to run for the senate”

  1. Schneider Says:

    For kicks here are what some people are saying about Jack Ryan:

    State Treasurer Judy Baar Topinka helped Ryan. Sources close to her say:
    "She stuck her neck out for him and he assured her nothing in those files was embarrassing to him or to the Republican Party. There's a general feeling by a lot of people that they've been lied to."

    Downstate Congressman Ray LaHood said:
    "In the interest of saving further embarassment for him and his family, he needs to immediately withdraw from the race. There is no way Republicans in Illinois will vote for somebody with this kind of activity in their background."

  2. mike Says:

    I remember you mentioning that he once released a press statement saying something like "where does Obama stand on going to church? and god?"

    Can you get that again, and let's photocopy the hell out of it and leave it in public places. And wall-paper our kitchen with it.

  3. reality check Says:

    so the guy likes it dirty. who cares? it may make him a hypocrite, but his sexual turn ons don't necessarily define how he would do his job. I am sure everyone on this site has either thought about or done something completely filthy. Should that make you any less credible, less of a human? should it be fully scrutinized before you are allowed to work at any job other than as a McDonalds janitor? probably not. Unless he is fucking babies or having his wife shoot herion directly into his cock, focus on the fact that he is a moron, not that he likes cubicle sex.

  4. mike Says:

    Since day one he has told reporters to stay away from that file to protect his son. He told reporters that the only things in there were related to his son, who suffers from "developmental issues", and that there was nothing related that could impact his campaign.

    This is as cynical as asking "what the meaning of 'is' is." He took advantage of people who were concerned of the well-being of his child, mislead prominent Republicans into believe that they should give him money and votes because even if the files went public there'd be nothing in there to hurt him. Every dollar that the Republicans fed into him is now compromised at best, gone at worst. And all for nothing. For something that if he brought up himself would have disappeared a year ago.

    *edit* as for his ability to do his job, it probably won't impact him being a senator (though his anti-gay-marriage stance seems a tad bit weaker all of a suddent). The same could be said for Hull's restraining orders. But it will impact him getting elected, especially among religious mid to down-state voters where he hopes his pro-life bush-supporting agenda will carry the lead.

    and now the republicans have to sit and wait for the suntimes to find some fetish hipster from Williamsburg whom Ryan had take pictures of him with his wife, and all the rest of this scandal to unfold. But who knows – maybe they'll be a Clintonesque "let's really around this guy" effect. who knows.

  5. Ed Says:

    In the words of Kafka, "At that point, their battle ceased to be a competition and became simply punishment."

  6. Dave Says:

    I really wish politics over here was this interesting. The best we ever had was a right-wing MP hanging himself surrounded by discarded bottles of amyl with an orange in his mouth.

    But he died, so we couldn't take the piss.

  7. Hoarsedick Says:

    This whole dizzy is so… nonissuical. Ryan hasn't had an icecube's chance in hell of beating Obama since day uno. By the by, Barack's campaign isn't big on volunteers outside of Chicago, so I wouldn't recommend trying. I have for about 7 effing months and nada. I have my theories, but I digress. True, who gives a shit if Ryan is a kinky Republinky. The sad thing is, there are actually a few decent Repubs in Illinois, but one of the reactionary corksoakers would be his replacement if they went that route anyway. The sadder thing is, in spite of this whole nonissue, he's still the best chance they have.
    Don't get me wrong, Obama is a campaign managers wet dream (hence the fact that they don't have to do anything with the new material and it will only add a lustrous sheen to his already impeccable image). However, any time one side gets too much of a leg up on the other, shit gets off kilter and the fringes start to swing their weight around. No 'every Stepford citizen likes Ike in a completely wholesome way', no McCarthy. No Kennedy, no McNamara.
    The problem is, Illinois Dems are already figuratively (if not actually) led by people like Madigan, or Blaguhmukluk, or Gianulis, or Mell, or… These guys aren't the types to really give a rats aboot the people they're supposed to be working for the benefit of. OK, they do, sort of, or they wouldn't be Democrats. But its way down on the priority list. Granted, if Obama can take the lead, it will be a good thing. But let's not forget that with his success, he's bound to have his own Tommy Corcoran or Alvin Wirtz or some other such scumlicking businetician.
    In any event, Ryan has been toast since the git-go, now he'll just be little soggier from all the slavering journalists.

  8. Ed Says:

    Jack Ryan's new slogan should be "I'm still a more legitimate candidate than Lisa Madigan"

  9. eep Says:

    From what I hear from a friend on the inside (and trust me, I really DO have a friend on the inside), the whole "public sex at sex clubs" thing was just a bone thrown to reporters to keep them from digging deeper. Supposedly that divorce record has a LOT more in it. The public wouldn't be too happy with Jack at all if they knew what else was going on, or so I hear.

  10. Ed Says:

    But……I thought Jack Ryan would turn out to be a good man whose name was besmirched by false allegations.

    I'm so disillusioned.

  11. friends of obama Says:

    Obama for president?

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