DENNIS MILLER: A CASE STUDY IN OPPORTUNISTIC COCKSUCKERY

Congratulations, former comedian Dennis Miller. Your exploits in 2004 have earned you the coveted Ginandtacos.com Prick of the Year award. I never thought the man was a genius, but I found his wit to be a welcome and refreshing change from the bulk of his fellow comedians. His post-SNL career was not exactly illustrious, and he remained a fringe player in the comedy world – respected more than he was enjoyed.

In 2001, Miller jumped at a chance to re-enter the spotlight as a Monday Night Football commentator. Many cried "Sellout!" but I personally found his comments to be a vast improvement over the monosyllabic grunting and Telestrator-scrawling of ex-jocks. However, seeing as how the average American male ain't so good about following compound sentences (let alone historical references) he was a colossal failue, quickly canned and sent back to cable talk show obscurity.

At this point, he could have gracefully exited the spotlight. Surely he had sufficient financial security, and he was certainly well-respected. He could have been the guy that young comedians cite as an influence. He could have been the subject of grand celebrity roasts and tributes befitting retired stars. But apparently ol' Dennis just didn't have enough money.

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"I'm available to do live shows, corporate events, and bukkake."

Instead he underwent a very public political conversion to neoconservatism and positioned his cable show as the right-wing answer to The Daily Show (minus the talent and actual humor). He paraded Republican politicians through his show until even they became so visibly uncomfortable with his fawning verbal hand-jobbing that they stopped showing up. What he failed to realize is that the right-wing nutjob on TV role is already loaded with personalities more caustic and pleasing to the ears of conservative America. A socially liberal ex-progressive from Hollywood is far, far down in the pecking order for your average talk radio fan.

What he thought was a wise, opportunistic attempt to keep raking in the dough and publicity turned him into the Constantine of entertainment – the left loathes him and the right won't take him. Rather than becoming America's new political darling, he's alone on an island, ignored except for the occasional moments in which the public laments how far he's fallen.

Sensing that his jaw could open a little wider to accept another inch or two of Satan's cock, he also decided it would be a good idea to do some Net-Zero commercials. He doesn't even need the money, and he's on TV hawking AOL's competition for a few bucks. His twin conversions to product pitchman and right-wing puppet have shown with shocking clarity how one can concoct a career as a social commentator without even the slightest shred of principles or morals.

Finally, it is worth noting that becoming a neocon at 50 is not a conversion, it's a reversion. Becoming a simplistic reactionary is hardly indicative of intellectual and spiritual growth. One does not "see the light" of blaming everything on the foreigners and darkies or of solving problems with physical force. Those are steps backward; a lazy return to the lowest common denominator by a person whose principles were nonexistant or feeble in the first place. Violence, jingoism, racism, fear-mongering, and lobotomized simplicity of worldview are the mental attributes of children and morons, and it can hardly be considered progress for a grown man to revert to seeing the world as the barely-literate do.

So fuck you, Dennis Miller. I hope you choke on every dirty check you get on your knees and suck for on a daily basis. You have conclusively shown that you'd fuck your mother in the ass for $1 or five more minutes in the spotlight. You deserve the ass-clown status to which you have condemned yourself. Ginandtacos.com wishes you the best in your new career as a has-been hooker for sale to the highest bidder, and we hope you die of something that makes it burn when you pee.

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7 Responses to “DENNIS MILLER: A CASE STUDY IN OPPORTUNISTIC COCKSUCKERY”

  1. ae Says:

    Bravo! Well done. In complete agreement. Though, I am tempted to give Dilettante Cocksucker of the Year to Tim 'Lil Russ' Russert in perpetuity, just for his especial brand of sad, pre-Vialis, hard-nosed, tough guy posturing. He wishes he had the dignity of that two-peso hooker Miller. Ech, you're right. Russert would probably not f*ck his mother in the ass for a dollar. He'd hold out for a quarter more. I applaud your fine judgment.

  2. myconfidence Says:

    Well. It looks like Dennis Miller's comedic soul isn't worth quite as much as Jay Leno's, after all.

  3. Cathy Says:

    Ouch!

  4. Beavis Says:

    Funny and true….Dennis the penis draped the flag over his career and shot it with a large calibre yawn.

  5. Max Ballstein Says:

    You can't be 66048 serious?!?

  6. Tara Lopez Says:

    Vivid Entertainment has offered Carrie Prejean, Miss California 2009, $1 million …

  7. Rockit Reports Says:

    A good send up, but it's a bit insulting to prostitutes (who after all are just doing a job).