UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMORS OF 49 OTHER STATES

Do people in New York really have their heads as far up their own asses as their attitudes indicate? Or is the rest of the country just projecting inadequacies onto the helpless citizens of our nation's largest city?

I've always been firmly in the "heads in asses" camp. I saw something this morning that strongly reinforced my admitted bias. A New York sportswriter described this World Series as "the greatest Series ever played that no one saw" (pretend for a moment that he's not talking about a subject you don't care about….after all, you could punch in "Senate race" or "new Musical" and find the same comment being made about anything happening west of Manhattan).

I will assume this man has an atlas, internet access, and an old dusty World Almanac either in his posession or available to him through the company that pays him to write such nonsense. I will also assume that he realizes that the topic on which he speaks has played out between Los Angeles (2nd largest city), Chicago (3rd), and Houston (5th), with a combined metro area population of over 20 million. Not to mention some other little villages like Atlanta, Boston, and St. Louis.

As I like to say about politics, in order to make such a statement this writer must be either totally ignorant or a complete asshole. I have to strike out ignorance here – surely this man is aware that Chicago and Houston are rather populous. Therefore the only remaining possibility is that he and his legions of readers are complete and utter assholes. Because when he says "no one" he means "we", and of course nothing could possibly be important unless New Yorkers, the only people whose opinions count, care about it.

This man and his ilk may simply be oblivious to the existence of 250 million people in this country outside Manhattan. Or they may be conscious of it and honestly believe that their judgment is the sole arbiter of what is and is not important in the world – if William F. Buckley isn't writing about it and Annie Liebovitz isn't taking pictures of it, it might as well not be happening.

Fuck you, New York. I cannot stress that enough. Please. Get a running start down one of your long boulevards, hit the trampoline in full stride, and land ass-first on something long, thin, and cylindrical. And spare the rest of us two years of writing and news coverage about the Great Manhattan Ass Violation Spree of 2005.

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13 Responses to “UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMORS OF 49 OTHER STATES”

  1. Samantha Says:

    So…wait…the Cubs are in the World Series?

    I kid. Congratulations on making it all the way after such a long dry spell.

    It's amazing how apathetic we are in Atlanta to have been to the playoffs so many times lately. I think the general consensus here is that maybe the Braves aren't really that great of a team, but somehow we keep sneaking in there. We're proud, but it doesn't feel exactly right.

  2. Ed Says:

    My old roommate here in Bloomington is an Atlantan and a Braves fan, and I couldn't understand why he wasn't crushed by their defeat. He made some reply indicating that after a dozen or so playoff trouncings they start to become second nature.

  3. J. Dryden Says:

    The problem with telling New York to go fuck itself–which it should do, painfully and often–is that you cannot penetrate the defensive shell of New Yorkian smugness, anymore that you can, say, talk a born-again Christian to a more nuanced world-view. Once you wholeheartedly embrace the belief that "Everyone outside New York wishes he/she was here, and is therefore pitiable, contemptible and bitterly envious," then any protestations of external outrage, however justified, fall on deaf ears. Said sportswriter, if he read your words, would no doubt smile condescendingly and say/think, "Typical. Barbarians in the sticks can't stand to hear the truth." And then pat himself on the back for living in a city where he have tzazkiki delivered 'round the clock. But there are a lot more of us than there are of them, and we know the truth: Chicago is, in fact, the best of American cities–all of the cultural advantages of New York, combined with the self-deprecating common sense of the Midwesterner–hence a great town with no attitude. (And no, I don't live there. I just *wish* I did.)

  4. Liz Says:

    J, I think you just stole my boyfriend.

  5. Scott Says:

    To be fair, I really don't think some of those other 49 states exist either.

    Idaho, c'mon…really?. Idaho? That's got to be made up.

  6. Ed Says:

    I have been to Idaho. Regrettably, it exists.

  7. Jeff Says:

    Living in Arizona, it is abundantly clear that New York, LA, Chicago, Boston, and many other "Metro-Areas" believe we still ride horses and fight off "Injuns" in Phoenix. Obviously not true.

    However, it was mighty f'ing satisfying beating the Yanks in the 2001 series. Granted we bought that series and have sucked goat dong since, but it was great to be the David breaking one off in Goliath's arse, if only once!!! New York is full of dumbasses who are drunk on their "New Yorker" status.

    Go SOX!! Love the site. Thanks guys.

  8. Samantha Says:

    CONGRATULATIONS WHITE SOX!!! What a game! What a series! WOO HOO!

  9. madMan Says:

    New York is great; Chicago is great. I prefer New York, him prefer Chicago. Alas, him tho angwy at the man wif the micwophone. Professional baseball has no soul, but it's still cool that the White Sox won; good jorb, Ozzy. Congratulations, Chicago…

  10. Nathaniel Overholtzer Says:

    Well, this was apparently the lowest rated World Series in history. It's a bit extreme to say that nobody watched it, but outside of their home states, a lot of people didn't.

  11. frankadelic Says:

    Everyone knows nothing is worthy of existence outside of Nor-Cal

  12. Frank Says:

    Dude…it's the White Sox. People in Chicago don't really care, do they? The writer from NYC might be a bonafide assclown but I believe him when he says most of America doesn't care about this matchup. This series had the lowest TV ratings in history, which is what he was talking about, I'm sure. White Sox-Houston in straight games is the quickest way to learn how to fall asleep standing up, ever.

  13. Nate Says:

    I love any world series win that doesn't involve the Yankees. I'm also for any team that beats the Yankees, even though I'm a Cubs and Bears fan at heart.