RUMINATIONS

1a. Did anyone else catch Shepard Smith losing his f'n mind on Fox News at about 1 AM (EST)? He looked like his head was going to explode and went on some bizzare, incomprehensible 90-second rant about how the Democrats will need to find a leader to step up and realize that the war we are in is a war for the existence of our civilization. After that it became essentially impossible to understand, as he threw disconnected batches of words at the screen while choking back tears and bile.

x__shepardsmith2.jpg

1b. I came to the stunning and somewhat sad realization last night that, in voting for Baron Hill in my Congressional race, it marked the first time in my life that I have voted for someone for President, Senate, or Congress who actually won. Mind you, I have voted in every election after 1994. Unfuckingbelievable.

2. Whatever happens in Montana and Virginia, I hope to God it is decided by the recounts and not by the courts.

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I don't think America can take another 6-week vote-counting debacle that is ultimately decided by a nonsensical ruling from a Republican judge.

3. Where did I go wrong with the Senate calls? Well, in Tennessee I did the classic bet-with-your-heart-instead-of-your-brain. I really like Harold Ford and I wanted him to win.
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All signs indicated otherwise, though. In New Jersey, I think I've learned something about underestimating the power of corrupt but incredibly powerful Democratic urban turnout machines.

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Kean was the better candidate, but the GOP's disadvantages in that state are just too huge. Lesson learned.

4. When the smoke clears, the Democrats will have about 30-32 House gains.
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They did better than expected thanks to a strong showing out west. WY-At Large will end up being decided in a recount and is incredibly close. That the Republicans could end up hanging on for dear life in such a seat is stunning.

5. The miracle of gerrymandering in action: of California's 53 House seats, exactly one changed party control. One. But it was a big one – noted lunatic defense industry hooker Dick Pombo was taken down. In Illinois, none of the 19 seats flipped.

6. I hate Joe Lieberman. Jesus H Tap-Dancing Christ on a Crutch, do I ever hate Joe Lieberman.

The ever changing financial market.

Perhaps everyone simply thought that Mike and I would sit on our laurels and wait for the results of today’s election. That was definitely a faulty opinion. We have actively been trading in this free market of election results hoping to maximize our final 2006 midterm election profits.

I am going to give a quick update on what we have done.

  • Late last night we had made some money on our gamble that the Democrats would win the senate. So, naturally, we sold them out hard. Took our profits and strengthened our position that Democrats would take at least 20 seats in the house.
  • We also noticed some severe pricing irregularities in Rhode Island. The Wall Street Journal was telling us that Chaffee (R) had the momentum in the race. He was also strongly undervalued. As a result, we sold Whitehouse (D) and took a position in favor of Chaffee, it was simply an economic no brainer.



    Come on Chaffee! You're now our guy!

  • Changing position on the Rhode Island race freed up some money for another decent investment. We are now in favor of the Democrats taking the house while the Republicans retain the senate. Mathematically it makes sense; the Democrats will almost surely take the house (even fox news agrees). However, to take the senate they would essentially have to win three coin flip elections. Statistically this is a 12.5% chance, whereas the position was valued at 41%.
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    We also used this money to strengthen our position that the Democrats would take at least 25 seats in the house.
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  • We thought we had found a good value, so we purchased Democrat Ben Cardin (on Ed's advice) in Maryland.
  • Earlier today market fluctuations left us with a wonderful opportunity to back out of or hedge in the House of 30 seats. We moved this back to 35 seats at no cost to us. We are at slightly more risk if the Democrats don't win at least 20 seats, but we do much better if they beat 30.
  • Everything else that isn't mentioned is unchanged.
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    Honestly how could we possibly go against Ed's gut in TN?


    Capitalism at Work!

The American (and partially the Irish) Way.

Mike and I haven't really posted anything on ginandtacos.com for quite some time. It is not that we don't have anything to say, but…no actually it is mostly because we don't have anything to say.

However, all of that changed this evening when we went to Taco Bell to enjoy several of their new menu entree the "Cheesy Gordita Crunch". For the record, the commericals where the texture of said food item is debated are valid in so much as the texture does tend to change in every example of this Gordita, and often within one sample. More to the point, this fine bit of Mexican food got us thinking about the fact that neither of us intended to vote tomorrow. Its not that we don't care, its just that we both kind of forgot to register.

We felt bad not being involved in the democratic process, so obviously we responded the only way we knew how.

By placing 100 American Dollars into the futures market for 2006 midterm election results via a somewhat shady Irish website. We are at least 85% certain that it was legal.



click the above image to see the full resolution image of Mike and Erik buying a Democratic senate
(technically selling the Republicans keeping control)

It seemed quite obvious to us. Mike is obtaining a Masters degree in Financial Engineering, Ed had already supplied us with a bunch of sure fire "winners" and I- well I decided it was exceptionally amusing and was willing to risk 50 of those American dollars.

So here is how it transpired. After we became 85% certain that this was legal, and there was a good likely hood that we could actually get the money back from the Irish, Mike created a 100 dollar account. It was a good sign when his bank accepted the transfer of money (at least we think it was a good sign). When looking at the site, there are options to buy or sell contracts on pretty much every race, and other various overriding situations (for example: the Democrats taking at least 24.5 seats in the house). If you are buying a contract it means you are purchasing your opinion that the event will happen. If you sell a contract it means you are assuming the event will not happen. The moral is that I could simultaneously buy a contract saying that Rod Blagojevich is going to win the Illinois gubernatorial race and sell contracts saying Judy Baar Topinka will win. Mike and I did not do this. That would have been stupid. I am fairly certain even Judy Baar Topinka's mother knows she is going to lose.
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Hence, we would make absolutely no money. We needed to find positions that were fairly volatile, and where Ed had picked the winner in his previous post.

As much as Mike and I are proud to be Americans and were taking great pride in doing our civic duty, we also wanted to make a lot of money. The only way to do this was to place sums of money "against the market". We believed we had superior information (Ed's previous post on election results). We were taking obvious cues from Ed's past performance:


Proven Past Winner

So here is what we did:

Ed tells us that the Democrats are going to win between 23 and 25 seats in the House.

So we took a strong position on the Democrats winning 19.5 seats, a weak position on Democrats winning 24.
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5 seats. And actually sold contracts on the Democrats winning more than 29.5 seats. Essentially we are putting our money on the Democrats taking between 20-30 seats. That's going to be fun to watch.

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The market is saying (in a dramatic fashion) that the Democrats are going to hang onto New Jersey. Mike and I trust Ed's opposite analysis of the race and sold contracts to people believing Bob Menendez would win – we invested in the democrats losing. The margin was better than simply investing in Tom Kean.

Ed Believes that Lincoln Chaffee's luck has run out. That was a position we could invest the hell out of. Particularly since most people in the market still thought Mr. Chaffee had a bit of luck.

Here is a really interesting one. Ed proclaimed his gut was in favor of Harold Ford Jr. in Tennessee. I have seen many bottles of Robert Burnet's London Dry Gin processed by Ed's gut. Even though the market is only 15% certain this will happen, we invested in Ed's gut much like his gut invested in many Taco Bell Grande Meals throughout the years.

We invested in Jim Webb in Virginia.

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We really did not like the political stylings of George "I hate the negros" Allen, and this race was trading at 50-50. Sounded good to us.

Finally, just so that we felt we were doing right by the Democrats we have picked them to win the senate. I know that this is in direct contrast with Ed's opinion, and our pick of Tom Kean in New Jersey, but what the hell. It wasn't a lot of money.

If you are bored with watching traditional exit poll results tomorrow. Take a quick look at some live updating graphs of Mike and My position in the futures market. Bare in mind our position was purchased around 9pm.

Oh, and despite having never watched it and aren't even entirely certain what the format of the show is, we invested money in Joey Lawrence taking it all in Dancing with the Stars.





Here are updating graphs of our official positions: Capitalism at Work!

WHO ARE YOU TO ARGUE WITH SOUTH CAROLINA?

You're nobody, that's who. The State, which calls itself "South Carolina's Homepage," recommends ginandtacos.com. I fear looking around to see what else they recommend.
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Also, hey look! Mike and Erik posted something! While its true that they've come out of the woodwork to make fun of my 2004 predictions, if that's what it takes then so be it.
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THE END

So the campaign is over and within 36 hours you will have voted. Ginandtacos takes this opportunity to serve the public with a review of competitive House and Senate races one final time. We have also put our political oddsmaking balls on the line by making predictions in competitive races – predictions that, come Wednesday, will either leave us open to severe mockery or provide even more evidence of why we rule.

See previous posts on this subject for a review of non-competitive races. To economize time and effort, they will not be re-hashed here.

Continue reading

CRITICAL (M)ASS

How deep into the barrel of things to cover/sample must we dig before modern hip-hop artists are forced to actually start writing their own songs?

Every 6 months, something new comes out and causes me to say "OK, it can't really get worse than this.

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" Then a few months later, it gets worse. To wit: Trick Daddy's homage to the Talking Heads' "Sugar." I am convinced that this song is personally responsible for Jesus refusing to come back for another couple of years. He turned to God and said "Did you hear that fuckin' song, dad? I'm not going back. These people don't deserve to be saved."


UHHH. Put tha sugar on my tongue, tongue…

Then came the Black Eyed Peas cover of "Misrilou." Well, let's just say every Black Eyed Peas song counts. Have they ever done anything that wasn't a cover? Are they even a real band or are they just a CGI-animated corporate logo created to endorse every product on Earth?

And now, we've reached endgame: Gnarls Barkley covering noted hip-hop icons and pioneers the Violent Femmes. If you have been staying up nights thinking that the world needs a sorta-rapped version of "Gone Daddy Gone," prepare to sleep easy.

In light of this aggressively awful monstrosity, I think ginandtacos needs to start a pool guessing the next unlikely song to be turned into a hip-hop smash. The Kingston Trio's "Sloop John B?
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" Or how about a little ABBA? "Fernando" perhaps? Or maybe we can delve into the catalog of the 70s horn bands.
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Chicago? I'm putting good money on a 50 Cent version of "If You Leave Me Now.

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"

I kid, I kid. Everyone mentioned herein is a great musician, and I'm just jealous of their phenomenal talents.

YAWWWWWWWWWWN

I'm bored to death with far right-wing social conservatives turning out to be closet queers, wife beaters, drunks, pedophiles, or adulterers. It's so damn predictable. If you haven't quite figured it out yet, please realize one thing: anyone that far to the right is hiding something. Period.

So apparently Ted Haggard, President of the National Association of Evangelicals, likes the gay hookers. And meth. It's nearly impossible for me to summon up the strength to mock him and point out the hypocrisy. Wow, another virulently anti-gay Jerry Falwell knockoff secretly likes the dick. Haven't we heard this before?

cap018.png
Tell me I've been bad

What the fuck is wrong with these people? It's like they can't get it up unless they think that whatever sex act they're about to consummate is going to condemn them to hell.

"Hey congregation! Gay marriage is a sick, perverse sin!" (*Oooh, I'm a dirty dog. Tell me I'm a bad boy….*)

"Be sure to vote Republican, folks!" (*Oooh, I'm a nasty liar…you better punish me, Mr. Gay Hooker*)

"Marriage is between a man and a woman! Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" (*Mmmmm, I love it when you make me lick your balls*)

Something tells me that in about 20 years, christian fundamentalism is going to be considered a fetish rather than a religion. It's obviously less an interpretation of the Bible than it is a precondition to its adherents getting hard.

CAN'T SPELL 'COMEDY' WITHOUT 'HARD GAY'

About a month ago, someone asked me if there were any (living) comedians I actually like. For someone who is a comedian, said person was understandably confused by the fact that I apparently hate every comedian on Earth. David Cross? So fuckin' overrated, it hurts.

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Dane Cook? Get me a rifle. Carlos Mencia? I've taken shits that made me laugh more. Lewis Black? Basically a decade-long version of Chris Farley's "van down by the river" character that struggled to stay funny for 3 minutes.

Basically, modern stand-up comedy is a group of people who are so f'n bad as a whole that anyone who's even halfway decent (Sarah Silverman, Cross, LouisCK, Eddie Griffin, Daniel Tosh) ends up being treated like the reincarnation of Lenny Bruce. Yes, they're funny. No, they're not anything special.

So I'm losing a lot of faith in stand-up. Mostly because I blow at it, but moreso because everyone else seems to blow at it too these days. For some strange reason, I've been getting most of my giggles out of people with bizarre and/or retarded comedy alter-ego characters. Sort of like Sacha Baron Cohen, only, you know, funny. What? FUCK YOU. No. He's not funny. Borat isn't funny – it's Yakov Smirnov with a big budget. Ali G isn't funny. And go watch "Talladega Nights" if you REALLY need proof of how piss-poor this man's comedic skills are.
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Just marvel at how everything on screen dies every time he opens his mouth. Amazing, really.

Anyway.

I love Hard Gay. Go ahead and take that last sentence out of context, please. Hard Gay (aka Masakai Sumitani) is the kind of ridiculous shit that Americans think of when we think of Japanese TV. I spent the better part of this past summer watching Hard Gay clips on YouTube. Whether he's using his skills to help out local businesses, reminding Japan of the importance of Father's Day, interacting uncomfortably with children, or engaging in Hard Gay Social Improvement, this man is just plain hilarious. Of course you also get the comedy bonus of awkward Engrish translation. The character is offensive and completely demeaning to gays. And funny.

On a completely different note, I'm almost as obsessed with Nardwuar lately. Canadian comedian and complete jackass John Ruskin (yes, his parents really named him John Ruskin) legally changed his name to Nardwuar the Human Serviette years ago – and when anyone calls him John, he points out (loudly) that no one calls Iggy Pop "James Osterberg.
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" Basically, this guy is really, REALLY annoying until you reach some tipping point at which you realize he's brilliant. He's an ambush interviewer who focuses on politicians and musicians. He's also intelligent as shit and likes to freak people out by asking them questions about obscure aspects of their past. He gets a lot of "how the fuck did you find out about that?

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" looks. A lot. He also gets threatened with physical violence a lot. The best moments come when he interviews unsuspecting people who don't know whether to take him seriously or call the cops. His interview with Panic at the Disco is priceless.

What? You need a stand-up fix? Fine. Russell Peters. He'll be huge soon, I promise.