Today's No-Politics Friday ™ topic requires YOU – Time Magazine Person of the Year that you are – to cast votes and settle an important debate.

A hundred years from now when historians cast their backward glances at the time period in which we live, I fear that they will be unable to determine the worst, most embarassing Rap Performance By a White Girl. Hopefully they can find this post and use your votes to guide them.

The Contenders

1. Blondie, "Rapture" – This literally makes blood come out of my ears. It sounds like the mom from Malcom in the Middle being forced to rap at gunpoint. Since Edison's wax cylinders made audio recording practical more than a century ago, I am not sure that anything more awkward has ever been committed to tape.

2. Madonna, "American Life" – The first time someone emailed me the lyrics to the "rap" segment of this "song" I was convinced it was either a joke, incorrect, or a Weird Al Yankovic song. It absolutely blows my mind that they not only recorded this but subsequently listened to it and said "Yup, sounds good!" rather than burning the tape. And then they went a step further and said "Sounds like a single to me!" What. The. Fuck. We always knew Esther the Kabbalist was a talentless whore, but come on.

I'm digging on the isotopes

This metaphysics shit is dope

And if all this can give me hope

Hold on, I have to go kill myself.

3. Gwen Stefani, "Orange County Girl" – Unbelievably, this is probably the least painful of these three songs. Think about that for a minute. Objectively, her "flow" is about as smooth as an El Camino with square wheels barreling through a minefield. But next to Blondie she sounds like Dr. fuckin' Dre. And her ridiculous lyrics read like the greatest poem ever written when compared to "American Life." Regardless, when this Robber Baroness of Black Culture finally dies the coroner will list the cause of death as "God fixing a mistake."

So who wins? I realize that no one "wins" in situations like this, but….you know what I mean. (Feel free to make additional nominations if you can actually think of anything worse that these specimens)

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  • Of the three, I've only heard the first one (I had the 45 as a kid), and I'm not going to do the requisite research it would take for me to feel qualified to vote.

    While we're on the subject, though, I'm curious what you think of this Lady Sovereign rapper girl. She seems to be all the rage with the hipsters around my 'hood. Maybe we should nominate her?

  • Blondie gets a pass because, as staggeringly bad as it is, she couldn't have known any better–rap was so damn young, who knew how to do it right? Awful, but it's like watching those early silents where people do nothing but run from room to room, slamming into swinging doors–sure, they suck, but who knew what to do with film?

    Stefani…yeah. Pretty bad. But…kind like a special ed kid coloring outside the lines. Did we really expect it/her not to suck? No. Not really. Moving on.

    Madonna. Wow. Sometimes you can't scream the phrase "Know Your ROLE" loudly enough. She's way, way, WAY too old not to be expected to know better. (Plus, having blown the entire playlist of Death Row Records, surely she can be expected to know what decent rap sounds like, if only through semen-based osmosis.) So I vote for Ms. Ciccone, and wish her nothing but sorrow–I mean, we're talking about the woman who forced us to say, "Wow–that version of 'American Pie' sucks worse than the original"…

  • That Blondie song is great. I wouldn't change a thing about it. You know she's stoned out of her mind, and you get the feeling that you could have sex with her by mentioning that you're her husband, even though it probably isn't true. I love her.

  • Acquaintance rape? I'll have to think about that one. I was trying to make a joke that she's comes off in the video as slutty and drugged out of her mind, kind of like a sexier 70s version of Courtney Love.

  • but does it count as "acquaintance rape" if he doesn't really know her?

    I'm thinking "groupie rape" or something.

  • You have to give Bondie a pass… she's the foundation that helped guide other white girl rappers to a better place. If she hadn't made the first step… where would the genre be?

    The winner is Madonna. She thinks that she can to everything. She can't rap.

  • Blondie was totally validated, for better or worse, by being sampled by Grandmaster Flash, who they also namechecked. Also, Debbie Harry can do no wrong.

    And Gwen's rap references "The Sound of Music" and Prince, so she gets extra WHAT THE FUCK points.

    I would say Madonna wins for shittiest white girl rap. That song just plain sucks in the first place; rapping only makes it much, much worse.

  • It really is just amazing how little redeeming value the Madonna song has. Everything about it is just fucking terrible.

    The other two are horrendous, of course. But something about that Madonna song is on another level. Maybe it's because Blondie and Gwen are rapping in the "prime" of their respective careers whereas Madonna is already washed up before she attempts it.

  • I just heard the Gwen Stefani song…and she definitely wins the WTF prize with her version of "The Lonely Goatherd." But, oddly enough, it's just weird enough that…um…I kind of like it.

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