Today's No-Politics Friday ™ topic requires YOU – Time Magazine Person of the Year that you are – to cast votes and settle an important debate.
A hundred years from now when historians cast their backward glances at the time period in which we live, I fear that they will be unable to determine the worst, most embarassing Rap Performance By a White Girl. Hopefully they can find this post and use your votes to guide them.
1. Blondie, "Rapture" – This literally makes blood come out of my ears. It sounds like the mom from Malcom in the Middle being forced to rap at gunpoint. Since Edison's wax cylinders made audio recording practical more than a century ago, I am not sure that anything more awkward has ever been committed to tape.
2. Madonna, "American Life" – The first time someone emailed me the lyrics to the "rap" segment of this "song" I was convinced it was either a joke, incorrect, or a Weird Al Yankovic song. It absolutely blows my mind that they not only recorded this but subsequently listened to it and said "Yup, sounds good!" rather than burning the tape. And then they went a step further and said "Sounds like a single to me!" What. The. Fuck. We always knew Esther the Kabbalist was a talentless whore, but come on.
I'm digging on the isotopes
This metaphysics shit is dope
And if all this can give me hope
Hold on, I have to go kill myself.
3. Gwen Stefani, "Orange County Girl" – Unbelievably, this is probably the least painful of these three songs. Think about that for a minute. Objectively, her "flow" is about as smooth as an El Camino with square wheels barreling through a minefield. But next to Blondie she sounds like Dr. fuckin' Dre. And her ridiculous lyrics read like the greatest poem ever written when compared to "American Life." Regardless, when this Robber Baroness of Black Culture finally dies the coroner will list the cause of death as "God fixing a mistake."
So who wins? I realize that no one "wins" in situations like this, but….you know what I mean. (Feel free to make additional nominations if you can actually think of anything worse that these specimens)